[uoffl]

I'm just so disappointed in myself. I feel like I'm letting everything slide out of my hand even though I worked so hard for it. I had an exam yesterday, and I could not concentrate to study. I cried half an hour before the exam, and I tried several times to stop it. Then I was tearing up during the exam. And it had nothing to do with the exam. When I was studying, I just got a sudden anxiety of..something, fear, I think. I kept thinking into the future and how it'd hurt if/when my boyfriend would leaves me, and those are real fears, because he has the power to walk away from our relationship and be fine, and I don't. I keep looking at our relationship and believing in everything good about him and pray and hope he'll be there. He has the right to walk away though 'cause I'm the bad person in this relationship. I can't help but feeling like such loser. Then I started getting scared because I was thinking how my close friend might leave me too and grow apart, and the fear is so unfounded because she's always been there for me. It got so bad, I even had to ask her yesterday if I was a bad friend, and she had no clue where that was coming from. I thought about my mom and how something might happen to her. What if she gets sick and I'll lose her too. Then I really freaked out. And I thought about my little sister and how she'll grow up and no longer happy to see me. She's small now so her love is unconditional, she just gets so happy whenever she gets to see me home. What happens when she grows up to be a teenager and start withdrawing? Am I gonna lose her too? I already had just lost my granpa, and now my grandma is sick and I might lose her, and then I don't know if my boyfriend will get bitter at me again and want to leave me, and I kept rethinking the whole thing again in the exam and I didn't answer anything correctly, so I did really bad on it. I'm such a failure, as a student, as a friend, girlfriend, daughter, sister. What do I need to do to fix myself? How do I prepare the pain and agony when my boyfriend doesn't want me again? I need to deal with it better so I can stop extending it to other people thinking they'd abandon me too. It's not fair to them. Ahhhh!!! I feel so emotionally weak. I want to be strong so I can provide all the love and support my loved ones need, instead of leaning on them for support. I was always the strong one, the listener, the advisor, and it feels horrible to have to burden my friends and family with my wacky emotions right now.

[Rhapsody]

[FeelingHopeful]

You sound like me! Why do you think your the bad one?

[Irine]

Don`t you think you may have separation anxiety?

[uoffl]

What's a separation anxiety? I actually haven't felt anything like this with other people. I don't know what it is about my boyfriend that makes me feel this way.
FeelingSad, to make long story short, I had an ex-boyfriend since I was 13. As I grew older, we grew apart, and I felt I needed to experience "what's out there". I remember being constantly wanting out of the relationship but he begged me back everytime,I felt bad, and agreed to stay, for 6 years. I went away for college, and I cheated on him. I can't handle long-distance relationship. I felt terrible. I broke up with him. Here's how I felt. "I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M THAT KIND OF PERSON, AND ALL MY LIFE, I HAVE BEEN ALWAYS SOOO AGAINST INFIDELITY!!! I'M GONNA BURY THIS, AND I WON'T CHEAT ON ANYONE EVER, 'CAUSE THIS FEELING IS TERRIBLE AND IT'S GONNA HAUNT ME THE REST OF MY LIFE NOW. I'M NO LONGER PURE AND GOOD. I'M JUST BAD." I guess as a coping mechanism, I learned the why, and the possible dangerous situations to try to avoid them, but then I put the event way back back back back back deep in my brain and never want to talk/think about it again. I got in another relationship. Few weeks into it, my boyfriend asked me if I had any romantic thing with the other guy, and I lied. I said no. Four months into it, e went through my email and found an old email from that guy who I had the affair with. He was furious. I apologized, cried, begged him to forgive me. He wanted to leave me. I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, couldn't socialize, think, or anything else. I just keep crying. He's still with me now, but he holds my lie over my head everyday. He threatened to leave more times than I can remember. He's right, I'm bull*, I'm not worth any time, I'm wasting his time, I'm a horrible person. That's why I say my fear of him leaving is real, but my fears of my friends and family abandoning is unfounded for. They only tell me I'm wonderful and beautiful, yet I'm still scared about them leaving, though they're not. I just wanna wake up one day feeling beautiful and okay.

[uoffl]

I'm not making much progress am I? Even as I was typing out my story, I get sick to my stomach and want to throw up when I got to the affair part. It's a really really horrible feeling, it just sticks.
I really want to be with my boyfriend. I really want to commit to our relationship and work as hard as ever. Everything I do now, I just do with him. When I'm away from him, I constantly call to check in with him so he knows where I am, and I'm usually just with my best friends/roommates. Whenever they have night girls out at club, I always stay home. He doesn't want his parents to know about me yet, so whenever we go back to our hometown (we go to the same school and we're from the same hometown), he can't go out or talk on the phone with me, so I stayed plugged to the computer to text him so he knows I'm at home plugged in. I just..really need to work on myself. I'm such a mess.

[Jess Petty]

wow, i don't know alot about serious relationships.
but i do know that threatening to leave just to get the other party
all emotionally confused is screwed up and wrong...

[FeelingHopeful]

wow, uoffl, Im sorry.That is very tough.Not to be Nosy, but how old are you.Have you considered Therapy? I myself am having some rough times now and can sympathize. Hope Im not being too nosy, I feel bad for you.

[uoffl]

I'm 22, I'm pretty young I know. I'm still watching Scooby-Doo and disney channel!
My close friends make fun of me all the time about that.
But I can't do therapy. I'm graduating so I'm just taking classes I need for graduation, which put me into part-time student category, and school's health services aren't available to part-time. I don't have insurance too so I can't really go to outside therapist.

[uoffl]

And thank you so much for your understanding FeelingSad. I hope you'll feel better soon too. I have a faith bracelet with me when I'm feeling down. I'd like to give you one so you can carry it with you too (mentally of course )
..'':F:''..A..'':I:''..T..'':H:''..<3