[whineandcheese]

I'll try to keep things short and simple. Forgive me if I go too long by habit (or go too short & not enough info should I actually accomplish my goal to keep short ;-)

Husband & I were born and raised in two totally different worlds, with different values and expectations. We have different lifestyles and personalities. In some ways, though, we can be alike, but that's not an everyday occurence. I'm not sure that we were ever meant to be more than just friends. We have two children, a 7 year old and a 15 month old baby. When I was pregnant with our second, it was a very difficult time. During my third month he said some things that caused me to build an "emotional wall" in our relationship. I developed a fear of intamacy with him--especially anything more than a hug. I don't really even hug him unless he initiates it. I did once recently though when he was leaving on a 5-day trip. He has shown sexual interest recently hoping it meant "kiss & make up", but it's all still just too fast for me. I allowed the hugs but nothing more. Somehow after everything, I think that maybe the only way we <u>might</u> be able to stay married could be for us to separate. We could live each on our own, but share some expenses like childcare, etc. I was thinking that maybe a situation like this might force us change, and to learn more about each other. It would be like starting over from scratch. We had little time with each other prior to our marriage. I left for the Army two weeks after I met him (while visiting an out-of-state friend). We met again four months later for about one week. After that, we met two months later where I was stationed in Germany for a few days. Only a week or so later, I was getting out of the Army (long story) and flying back to the US to marry him. We were married (just the two of us giggling, nobody else) only a day and a half after I got out of the Army.

Counseling has been done a few times in the past, cancelled each after a short time because of husband's concerns about financial costs. He said that he is willing to try it again if I want to. (Do I want to?) We are now paying for our 7 year old to see a psych because of her problems. I'm not sure that either of us really has any confidence in this relationship lasting many years. We've already been married since 12/92.

What do you all think? Any other ideas or advice?

[splash]

hi whineandcheese,

how were things between you and your husband before you were pregnant with your second child? you say that he said something during your third month with baby that caused you to become distant? you don't have to say what it is, but it sounds like there is something specific that you and your husband can work on in counseling if you should choose to go that route.

i've never been in a relationship, so i'm the worse person for giving advice, but if there's ever a chance to work things out first, before going to something more drastic, like living separate lives, i would take your husband up on the offer for further counseling together. my sister is separated from her husband. he sees his four year old son maybe once a week on the weekends, and even though he's a happy boy, it's got to make him wonder if there's something he's done wrong. my sister and her husband split, however, because he has taken up a girlfriend. i probably would have kicked him out, too. having never been in a relationship, and not having seen their day to day interactions, it's difficult for me to say "they should have done this or that."

well, now i'm rambling! i hope all is well with you and your family. take care,

splash