[A_Long_ways]

I am really angry right now. My girlfriend and I broke up about 3 weeks ago. She stopped believing in me, she stopped caring about me, I couldn't find a job so she left me. Our relationship wasn't picture perfect but it was pretty damn close. Everything stopped, I'm lost. She refuses to work on our relationship, she accuses me of only dealing in absolutes because I told her we're throwing away all we had. She says "I look at it more as placing it down for a bit". ********. If I lose her now I lose her for good, that's just how it's going to be. She asks for space, but only when I say something that I'm right about, that I know she feels is an honest concern of mine about us ending it this quickly. She ALWAYS runs when I bring up something like that.

I lost the most important thing I had in my life, and now I'm supposed to just completely stop thinking about her like it's a switch I can turn in my head? Now I'm supposed to just not want to call her, not wonder what she's doing, not try repair things between us? This all happened because I couldn't find a job. I could've worked harder maybe, and I know this was a result of my unemployment. But I'm a lover, I'm a senseless lover that just wants to be with his girl and that's all the happiness he needs. And now I'm alone. She was my best friend, she was my lover, and she was supposed to be my future wife. Now I have nothing. I'm 26, going broke, no friends, no girlfriend, no job and having to consider moving back in with my mother.

I was fooled by this game of love and all of the pretty words attached to it. Devotion, yeah that went out the window real quick when I couldn't find a job. Compassion? Yeah, she won't even pick up my calls and she knows I really have nobody else to talk to at the moment. Understanding? I fail to even see where this word comes in. She can't find a job either, so she should be able to understand that me having a rough time finding work is... well... understandable.

I am just so lost right now. I don't have the one thing that made my miserable life worth living anymore. I can't even begin to think about trying to find someone else. I can't even bring myself to go to places we used to go together. I walked by one of our favorite restaurants a few days ago and started to tear up. A bus drove by that had a phantom of the opera advertisement on it and my heart felt like it stopped beating, she loved that play.

I feel cheated. I feel like my relationship ended without any chance of repairing it. I've heard many stories of people fixing their relationship after one person was unfaithful, or lied, or stole. Why is my situation broken to the point of no return over not being able to find a job?

I really wish I had some friends right now. Someone I could just hang out with and forget it all. I wish I was the type of guy that could just shrug his shoulders and move on. I wish I could call her a million hurtful names and make myself feel better but I can't. I love her too much.

Just so disillusioned about love, life, and happiness right now. Can't really think of a good reason to try to fix myself if this is what's going to happen once the first sign of ANYTHING going wrong happens.

Long post, I'm sorry. Just... had to get it out.

[Lenny]

Hi A_Long_ways and welcome...

I'm so sorry you are experiencing such pain. I know it is hard,,there is no pain quite like that of a broken heart. And there are few words to ease your heartache from anyone but her....

In my program we have an understanding that we simply cannot control or change people but we can change ourselves. When you find yourself in the right space...pick a point on your personal horizon and walk to it. By this I mean...create a new journey,,get a job no matter what,,,join a gym,,take a class,,join a team. Just do something different for you.

I know this might sound trivial and silly but actions do change thoughts...and sitting with your present thoughts will only continue to hurt you.



Lenny

[justfloating]

(((((((A Long Ways))))))))


I know what it's like to have someone drop you so suddenly ... it's very painful and very difficult to wrap your head around. I'm sorry you're going through so much pain. I wish there were some magic words to make it all go away.

What I can tell you is that one of two things is probably going on here. Your girlfriend dumping you just because you couldn't find a job when she herself is unemployed doesn't make very much sense, and I wonder if that's not an excuse she's using to push you away for some other reason. I don't know her or you, but I myself have done something similar. I'm not proud of it, but I have pushed away some pretty wonderful people because I was afraid the relationship was moving too quickly, was getting too serious, or that I was in a "dump or be dumped" state of mind. When I did that, I chose something to focus on, something that wouldn't ordinarily bother me but that I made my mind up to hate to the point that I just couldn't see that person anymore. I have no idea if that's what your girlfriend is doing, I just thought I'd offer my personal take on things in case it helped. I really think that if your girlfriend is asking for space right now, the best thing would be for you to give it to her. I know that's incredibly difficult and MUCH easier said than done, but if she is pushing you away for some reason besides the job thing, crowding her while she's figuring things out is only going to send her running the opposite direction.

On the other hand, if she really DID dump you because you're unemployed, then you might be the lucky one. She's showing her true colours by demonstrating that your employment status is more important to her than being with YOU, than loving you for you. I know it's not easy but try to focus on making something good from what you have now. For the first little while, you're really going to have to fake it, but after a while the desire to actually make something of yourself and your life without her WILL hit you, and you'll be able to learn and grow from this. Force yourself to focus on the other parts of your life -- your job prospects, for instance -- if not to take your mind off her than to remind yourself that life doesn't stop with your relationship. It may feel like that for a while, but the world does keep turning and you will get past this.

Sending lots of hugs.

[A_Long_ways]

Thanks a ton for your replies guys, it's getting "easier" to deal with as the days pass.

Lenny:

I've been thinking about doing something like this. Going to the gym has helped and its been a routine of mine for quite some time. I'm spending a lot more time at the punching bag these days though :P I actually found a very interesting astronomy group that's kinda close to me that I'm considering joining. I've always been awe-struck by the amazing wonders of the cosmos and I think it would be a good way to get my mind off things.

justfloating:

I suspect your first suggestion is what's going on here. That doesn't make it hurt any less, but it does somewhat make me feel a bit better about myself. I did everything I could to make this relationship flourish, and for a long time it did. She recently started going back to school, only one class, but I suspect that had something to do with it. Maybe she met someone at school, maybe some of her friends had an influence on it, I dunno. She was raised in a very traditional southern house. The man makes the money, the man takes care of pretty much everything. Perhaps that also had something to do with it, I don't know. I'm trying to give her the space she asked for, and doing a decent job at it.

And, as for your second analysis, if that truely is the case then I do agree with you. If I hadn't lost my job now, and things got to the point where I was considering marriage (which I was) and I lost my job somewhere down the line and this is how she reacted I would be broken beyond repair. I was raised in a broken house and saw what divorce did to my mother. I always said I would only get married once, and if god forbid I did get a divorce I would stay single for the remainder of my life. Perhaps it's a blessing in disguise I got to see her true colors now rather than after I said those powerful and binding words "I do".

I dunno, like I said as days pass it's getting a bit easier to handle. I still see things that remind me of her constantly, and it hurts. But what can I do, I just have to try to disassosciate her with those things in my mind I suppose.

Thanks for your replies

[BarbiGirl]

I'm sorry you're in so much pain. I'm sorry your girlfriend dumped you for seemingly petty reasons. Love is never easy. Despite your beliefs about this "break", I hope that you two may once again find each others arms.

[Yoda]

Originally Posted by justfloating

Your girlfriend dumping you just because you couldn't find a job when she herself is unemployed doesn't make very much sense, and I wonder if that's not an excuse she's using to push you away for some other reason.

That is exactly what I was thinking. I don't know the situation but it just doesn't add up from the story she is giving you.

Stay strong. I know you love her but you need a person who will stand by you for better or worse and it doesn't sound like she was the one.

[A_Long_ways]

Not a long post. Just lonely. Can't sleep, keep thinking about her, and wondering if she thinks about me at all. Trying my best to get these thoughts out of my head. It's just so hard when you're attached to someone day in and day out for 2 years to forget about them right away. Gotta be up in 5 hours for a job interview, nervous. It's such a step down but at least it's something, I guess. Gonna try to sleep. Thx again for the replies.