can't get over my ex

Well, I haven't posted on this forum in a long long time. And I mostly post in the Psychotherapy forum when I do. But here I am.

I'm feeling so sad because I seem unable to get over a past relationship. This relationship ended several years ago. I've even had another relationship since (which didn't work out), but I'm still in pain daily when I think about the old one. I was involved with a really wonderful guy -- had a really great time but couldn't seem to figure out what I wanted. I lost that relationship because I had a lot of trouble with communication, and also because I was afraid to take a chance on having that relationship grow to a new level (okay, so I was a commitment-phobe). I've since done a lot of therapy and believe I'm getting better at communicating and would fare better in a relationship. Problem is: I really only want my ex. I don't feel like I'd be able to love anyone else. I don't think I have love to give any more. I'm not even very good at being friends. After my breakup with my ex, I avoided a lot of people because I couldn't stand to be near my ex (and he and I had many many mutual friends). I stayed away so long that I stopped feeling close to any of them. Now I just get sad if I see them. I mostly find it hard to see any of them at all.

I feel lonely but don't think I can date again. I tried putting myself onto a dating site, but I mostly just stress out if anyone tries to contact me. I don't feel attracted to anyone. I ache every time I remember that I lost a relationship that should have been right for me. I feel like I've blown my chances in life.

I'm 39. I realize I probably won't have a family now either. It wasn't a huge dream of mine to have children, but it is sort of sad to realize that I'll probably never have the chance. Even if I found someone new, I'd want to be with them a long time before considering anything like that. And I'd say, biologically, it's too late for that. So that's another thing I'm sad about.

I wish I could just go out and date and be all optimistic and enthusiastic and meet someone and have fun and get involved and all that. But all I really do is beat myself up because of the relationship that I lost. I don't want anyone else. I feel better when I see my therapist, but I can't seem to hold onto that feeling better. I don't have the energy to search and search for a new relationship when I already know that I screwed up one that was really great. I'd be searching for something that I already had and lost. I end up mired in self-hatred.

I wish I could find some sort of meaning in life without a love relationship. I don't know if I can manage that either. How does anyone?

I'm sad a lot.

Thanks for reading.
Sidony

why don't you call him? he might be single!
You won't lose anything.....plus, you might gain something and have him back into your life....
let us know what you did....good luck....

Thanks Marjan,

No, he isn't single any more. And it kills me when I see him. I saw him briefly recently (at the wedding of a mutual friend), and I immediately fell into terrible depression. I try to put it out of my mind, but it eats away at me a lot of days. I don't know if I'll ever stop missing him.

Thanks for responding.

sidony

If u still love your ex you still love him. if he doesn't love you then you need to cry over it a little bit but then move on with your life. u can't dwell on someone who doesn't love u. I kno that sounds hurtful but i'm 14 and i ran away with my 17 year old boyfriend to new jersey. we were going to get married but he saw all the new jersey booty and he bailed and i had to find my own way back. I was so heart broken i spent 7 months in therapy because i thought he loved me as much as i loved him but i was wrong and u have to let things go. I t may hurt but in the end it will be fine.

very wise....and sometimes when we can't have something we crave for it...
There are so many people out there....accept the fact that you guys weren't meant to be together....I know how it feels obsessing about your ex-bf....but you can make yourself busy with other stuff and meet new people then you won't have to think about him anymore and eventually you will meet somebody....and don't worry about pregnancy stuff....now a days with technology people get pregnant later on in their age....you don't need to make 10 babies...ha...you still have time...I'm in a same boat as you....
take care and appreciate your life....
Past has gone...and future hasn't received yet...stay in this present moment and enjoy...
take care
Marjan

I know how you feel. I have a certain x that I've not even seen for almost 15 years and I still think of what could have been. That being said, I've moved on and I am now married to a wonderful guy.

You say you don't think you could love anyone else, but I promise when you find the person, you will love them. I look at it like having children, you love the first one so much you don't think you could possibly love another that much, then lo and behold, you have another and love them just as much as the first. Give yourself time and I am sure you will find a new love. And there's nothing wrong with continuing to love someone after you've split, just be realistic with yourself and don't be so hard on yourself about "losing" him. You never know, you may meet the greatest person ever tomorrow. Good luck!

Ya know, there are 3.5 billion guys alive on the planet now. It'd be reaaallllyyy weird if--even after filtering out the too old or young, those who speak the wrong language and those who aren't in the right geographic area--there were not three or four who could make you fell good inside. Just a thought...it need not be forlorn hope. Be good to you.

If you can, try to think of your ex as a list of qualities. Not as "your ex" but a list of objective qualities. The 'absolute deal breakers', the 'really would be wonderfuls', the 'would prefer but not absolutes', and the 'wow! hubba, hubba wonder if there's anything underneath that exterior'. Once you get your list together, you will have something to work with. (Also, throw in any other category that makes sense to you.)

Then, once you have your list together, it might de-personalize your search a little. You might be able to quit looking for someone *exactly* like your ex and see guys and meet guys who have potential.

My suggestion? Re-explore your own interests and get out among people and you will meet men who have the same interests. It's a starting point.

Oh, and by the way. I remarried at 38. I had two miscarriages (they were surprises because I had suffered severe endometriosis for 20 years) but then I had my first and only son at age 41. He was perfect. He has been the greatest joy in my life.

Hi Sidony,

I agree with Vickie . Write out the qualities and the hopes you have now that you didn't when you were in the relationship . And use those on a dating site as to what your looking for .

Theres bound to be someone else that meets the criteria.

LOL!

But I know what you mean . When you find a great package you begin to wonder if there are any more under the tree of life.

Keep hoping and your worth the next great man who meets you.

Patricia

Wow, thanks for the responses, everyone! It's helpful to read all this. And it makes me feel less alone with it to come here and talk about it. I especially liked Vickie in Phoenix's story and Ratanddragon's statistics. :-)

Yeah, the list of qualities is a good idea. I have a hard time figuring out what I want. I posted about myself on a dating site and have trouble even figuring out how to describe myself. It's hard to describe your interests when you're feeling uninterested. But I talked to a couple of folks. Maybe I'll dare to go on a date some time.

Thanks to everyone for responding, I really appreciate it. It's hard to go about daily life never talking about this stuff, but I'm sure the folks around me have all heard it. Anyway.

Thanks, Sidony

I know how you feel on a diiferent level m husband walked out almost 4 years ago after an argument with one of my sons and another had just een dx w/cancer my world fell apart he said he still loved me and cared about me just couldn't love in my house anymore after 3 years marriage and 3 years together before marriage,we were very compatible in every way and had a very deep love . He now has a live in gf for about a year .I haven't been able to move on he said he fell out of love with me a little over a year ago (soon after couple months met the GF)yet all his claims of "we will never be back together again"and me saying I know you are in love with someone else he just says "don't assume anything about my personal life".
My thing could he possibly be still love me or even questioning us getting back together after all this time ...I only ask since he has made o intentional effort to file for a legal seperation or divorce and we just discussed again the upcoming years ins.benefits he gets at work for all of us so another year basically committed to "this"marriage.I know I would not want to be the GF with the wife still in the background so to speak even if she never wanted to get married.

Any advice,comments etc.