[ElizabethRose]

When I was 18 I was date raped and from that I had a daughter at 19. I decided to keep her and raise her. I met my now husband when my daughter was 6 months old and he fell in love with her. Everything was going great. We married when she was 14 months old. Fast forward, we now have another addition to our family and it seems his emotions have changed. He in the begining steped up to really be her dad and now seems that her real father should be paying support and that she should know the truth about where she came from. Mind you that she is only 3 1/2 years old. I don't think that this is the right time to bring it up. Now since we have daughter number two we have been fighting more than ever on this one subject. Her father knows about her and doesn't want anything to do with her. He works at taco bell and has another child with someone, so getting any type of child support wouldn't really be worth it. It may just lead to other problems. My daughter is happy and well adjusted, telling her that her real father is a rapist right now is wrong. I never pressed any charges or went after him, I just want to put this behind me and move forward, and my husband just thinks that she should know the truth growing up. Where do I go from here.....When we do talk we never can agree.

Is money the issue? I have a hard time with the attitude of your husband. Ideally, he could have agreed to adopt your daughter. Now, he seems more concerned about preserving the marital property for his child.

Quite often, married couples prepare wills that give the marital property to the survivor, trusting that the survivor will do the right thing with respect to the children. If you and your husband had those will provisions and you died first, your husband could will the property to his child alone.

I know this is more than you are asking about. Nonetheless, I am concerned there is more going on here than telling your daughter at an appropriate time who her father is.

I don't believe in secrets as they always have a way of coming out, at the age of three I would just let her know she has two daddies and how lucky she is to have them both ! And leave it at that.

[salukigirl]

Just because you go after him for support doesn't mean she had to know all the details. My niece is 15 and her dad was a total dead beat. When she was born his parents told him if he never saw her again they would pay for his college - so thats what he took and has never ever met her. My sister has since gotten married and they have 3 children of their own. She always knew that Jim wasn't her real father but my sister didn't think it was appropriate to explain how her dad was a total jerk.

So she has gone back and forth between wanting to meet him and never wanting anything to do with him for several years. She is just now starting to come to terms with the fact that she will probably never meet her real father.

Does she call your husband daddy? Did he ever adopt her or put his name of the birth certificate? Even though my niece calls Jim "dad" her last name is different because she understands that if he were to officially adopt her they would stop receiving child support and I think she knows that the financial support really does help her out.

3.5 yrs old is pretty young to be explaining things like date rape.....maybe talk to a T about the right way to explain things? My friend has an open adoption and her child is 5 and the adoptive parents and her had to go to counseling to learn the right way to explain that "Aunt Natalie is really your mom".

[lynn P.]

I agree-- keep it simple with saying she has 2 dads and you don't need to explain further.

[bebop]

right now she is too young to understand any of it at all. it would only confuse her. I would wait til she is older since her bio dad doesn't want anything to do with her. my grandson recently found out that his dad is not his bio dad. my gson is 11. I think he still doesn't really understand but more age appropriate I think. he was told when he was about 4 or 5 but has no memory of that. he did not understand it then.

[ElizabethRose]

We are doing well in the money department, he feels that this other man should have to pay for what he did. My husband doesnt understand how her bio father doesn't want anything to do with her. When we got married I had my daughters last named changed to match.
I was raised by my grandparents because my mother didn't want me and my dad tryed but when I turned 12 he just gave up and droped me off and didn't care. I don't want her to get hurt, I hurt every day untill I finally relized what a great family I had right there in front of me. I don't want her to feel abandon by her real father like I did. Right now she knows that her mommy and daddy love her. And to answer someone's question she does call my husband daddy.
I'm just more concerned that in the begining every thing was fine and we agreed that her father should stay out of the picture but then we had a baby and his whole mind changed.

[Elysium]

First off, a near four year old child is not going to understand Rape, and what it means to her and you.

It almost sounds like your husband is taking the attitude that the two children are somehow different...that his step-daughter is different because she is not biologically his.

My suggestions are to work this out any way possible. If she is raised with the notion that her sister is "better" than her, in her Father's eyes (Yes...Father's, not Step-Father; he's the only one she's known), not only will this impact and probably hurt the sibling relationship, but it will lead to self esteem issues in your child, and she will grow up feeling this divide between her and her Father which will cause long term damage in her life.

I think, when she is mature enough (Not necessarily based on chronological age), she would be okay with learning that she has a biological DAD and a real DAD who has cared for her since she was a baby. BUT...I would be very careful telling her that she was a child of a rape, no matter how old she is. This can devastate a child...even as a teen or young adult. It can mess with their heads real bad and hurt them tremendously.

If her Dad can get it together and drop the "your different than us" thing...I think this would be best. If not, you may need to seek some guidance from a counselor at some point to assist with damage control.

[marvin]

This is a very hard issue for everyone. Your husband is going to have a hard time with it but if he loves you and the children then he will respect the decision. But you have to think of her. She does not need to hear this at that young of an age. It's hard to say how old she should be but 3 1/2 is too young. If your husband can't accept that then he, unfortunately, shouldn't be there.