[mlcsawright]

Started dating at 40, my boyfriend 41, in April 2009 and he told me he loved me the first time he saw me. He always made me feel so good because he took better care of me more than anyone ever has. It was nice to have a guy that cooked, cleaned, best intimate person who made me feel like I was the only one who mattered. Within 2-3 months he wanted me to tell him I loved him. August we starting fighting, he was getting jealous because in my career I work and talk with a lot of clients, male and female. He started calling me awful names, saying very cruel things and when I told him to leave he spit in my face and said he wasn't leaving. I started to cry because I have always been a strong willed person and I was scared of him. I broke up with him a week later because I couldn't accept the fact of what he had did. A week later I let him come back because he made me feel like he was really sorry for his actions. He told me that he had never been jealous but his last relationship of 7 yrs ended because she cheated on him. We made it a couple more months but ended it a month ago because it is extremely exhausting. I blocked his emails, phone calls and anything else I could think of because I didn't want this relationship anymore. He started seeing a therapist to get help with his jealousy. I know that I care for him a lot more than I realized and I know for a fact that he loves me. Can he get over this jealousy and learn to trust or do you just move on and hope you can find someone who really loves you without the issues?

[RoxanneMurphy]

I'm sorry hun. <3
From what you've told, with out knowing any other circumstances, his behavior seems very typical of someone who abuses, and not just jealousy. Even without the presence of physical abuse, what he was doing to you was emotional/psychological abuse (name-calling, degrading names, and especially the spitting incident). Emotional/psychological abuse is just as bad, and possibly even worse (depending on the perspective [emotional scaring can last longer than physical scaring, etc.]) than physical abuse. The problem is that abusers always say that they didn't mean to do what they did ('sometimes, I just get so angry, I can't help it' or 'I can't stand the though of your men clients looking at you, and I don't know what else to do', you get the idea) and always make the promise that it will never happen again, and a majority of the time, make you think that they're the victim and make you feel sorry for them, so then you take them back. Afterward, everything seems absolutely wonderful, as if you can't believe that someone that wonderful could ever hurt you in any way, and that it must have been just a fluke. Soon enough, it goes back to what it was before, repeating the cycle once again. A majority of the time, the next incident gets worse than the previous one.

Let him go. Therapy could very well be a stint to make you think that he's trying to change, but it more than likely won't last long, you'll take him back, and then the cycle will repeat once again. This in not solely a jealousy issue. Please, please, just let him go. What you described, like I said, without knowing any of the other circumstances, is very typical sounding of an abuser. No one can tell you what you should do, but I can still advise you against trying to start things back up with him.

I wish you the best of luck with your situation, no matter what you choose.

[Hearty]

Originally Posted by RoxanneMurphy

I'm sorry hun. <3
From what you've told, with out knowing any other circumstances, his behavior seems very typical of someone who abuses, and not just jealousy. Even without the presence of physical abuse, what he was doing to you was emotional/psychological abuse (name-calling, degrading names, and especially the spitting incident). Emotional/psychological abuse is just as bad, and possibly even worse (depending on the perspective [emotional scaring can last longer than physical scaring, etc.]) than physical abuse. The problem is that abusers always say that they didn't mean to do what they did ('sometimes, I just get so angry, I can't help it' or 'I can't stand the though of your men clients looking at you, and I don't know what else to do', you get the idea) and always make the promise that it will never happen again, and a majority of the time, make you think that they're the victim and make you feel sorry for them, so then you take them back. Afterward, everything seems absolutely wonderful, as if you can't believe that someone that wonderful could ever hurt you in any way, and that it must have been just a fluke. Soon enough, it goes back to what it was before, repeating the cycle once again. A majority of the time, the next incident gets worse than the previous one.

Let him go. Therapy could very well be a stint to make you think that he's trying to change, but it more than likely won't last long, you'll take him back, and then the cycle will repeat once again. This in not solely a jealousy issue. Please, please, just let him go. What you described, like I said, without knowing any of the other circumstances, is very typical sounding of an abuser. No one can tell you what you should do, but I can still advise you against trying to start things back up with him.

I wish you the best of luck with your situation, no matter what you choose.

I completely agree with Roxanne - it's not just jealousy...he is abusive. Degradation of name calling, saying cruel things,
spitting at you, etc. which is terribly abusive - can also rapidly escalate to physical abuse.

I've been in a similar situation where I had a tough time ending an abusive relationship, but in the end I was able to moved on.
What scared me more than being alone was being with an abusive person without my self-respect. (Which I found slowly chipping away.)
I left while my self-respect was still somewhat intact, and found people who valued and treated me with respect.

It's easier to leave earlier before things get worse...before he really wears you down.

Please be careful and take care of yourself.

[jerrymichele]

I agree with everyone else. Get away from him. I'm not sure if you live in the states, but some states give spitting a felony. I seem to think that this guy has probably been like this for a long time.

[opheliasorrow]

I agree with the above posters about this guy .. it is beyond jealousy. Sometimes lack of self esteem can cause a person to be jealous, insecure etc. If that person gets help with their issues they can start to love themselves and not put THEIR issues onto another, but in this case it is emotional/psychological abuse .... good luck hon, you certainly didn't deserve the way he treated you, Ophelia xxx

[salukigirl]

I agree with everyone. This guy WILL abuse you. I have had an ex spit in my face before and I clocked him. He called me some of the worst names in the world and after about 6 months he began physically abusing me. The verbal is only the start. Once he realizes he can get away with that he absolutely will start pushing the envelope even more. Abusers will always say they're sorry and my ex used to bawl his eyes out the day after so I always went back and it took a long time for me to wake up and realize that he would never stop. Get out now while you still can. Even if it comes to the point where you have to call the police and tell them he is harrassing you, do it. Do whatever it takes to get this man out of your life.

[Beholden]

"We made it a couple more months but ended it a month ago because it is extremely exhausting".

Right there tells me a lot. A positive relationship isn't one that exhausts you. He is getting under your skin and sucking you dry sweetie. He is using you. Once you are all used up, you are gone.

He only seems like he was a nice guy now that you are not with him. You deserve much more. When you are with people you care about and they care about you, it addes to you not takes away.

[marjan]

no, I don't think he can change