[SophiaG]

this is going to be a long post.

But I'm confused by something.

This past year or two has been quite confusing for me sexually. Up until then I thought I was just satisfied by being with guys, but then I got into a relationship and things changed.

I think I am straight for the most part but there is a part of me that has the potential to like a girl.

Let me explain...

I was friends with a girl for a long time, best friends. I looked up to her (she was a bit older) admired her and generally hung out with her quite a bit. My first love had recently died and I was broken up about it...and making friends with her sort of healed my grief. She had a problem with alcoholism...and I cared/worried about her a lot. Worried that she would relapse.

I remember confiding in her that I liked a guy. And soon thereafter, she sort of *ahem* made a move on me. I was sort of taken-aback, but I didnt say anything. I dissociated...and yet I loved the idea of her kissing my cheek and cuddling with me. I've never dissociated before during a sex act and I remember thinking that I didnt want to do it beforehand. But I didnt want to humiliate/embarass her by saying no. So I went along with it, dissociated and freaked out afterwards because I didnt understand why i dissociated. After the first time I dissociated...I never experienced it again. The girl and I began to have a full-on relationship. And I loved her, very much. I do not dispute that I loved her. I did and I'll defend that I loved her til the death of me.

A few months later, I decided to do some background on this girl I had been talking to online for such a long time. She had refused to give me any real-life information and I felt that I had waited long enough to gain her trust. I felt I needed to to get peace of mind because it felt very suspicious. So I went ahead and did a background check. And to my utter-shock/horror I figured out that I had been speaking to a guy and not a girl.

It was a mind ****. I felt betrayed & used. I felt hatred, i felt un-godly pain. I looked at the girl I once loved and her face slowly shattered in my mind/heart...into the face of a much older man. It hurt...so much. I was angry for a long-long time. After a lot of persistence, they admitted they were who I thought they were.

And a little while after that, something else broke in me. I went mad for two days....all my sexual-feelings for guys rushing back. (I had been repressing them because of some horrible things guys had said to me a few months back)

And there was this little voice in the back of my mind saying "i'm glad this person turned out to be a guy instead." as though perhaps if I had continued with the relationship with this girl, I someday...wouldve regained my feelings for men anyway creating a huge mess.

After the relationship. I noticed that my sexual preferences were whatever reminded me of this person. Guys who had a witty sense of humor, older guys, blonde women and I began to feel like I had loved the person INSIDE rather than any gender that they had

So now....finally.... I feel as though I can move on. That my sexual fantasies arent driven anymore by the things that remind me of this person. In fact, I dont really have satisfying sexual fantasies anymore. I've noticed that I've begun to drift back to checking out girls.

There is still a part of me that says "ew" and a voice that says "youre straight, I dont think you can maintain a relationship with a girl emotionally."

My biggest fear is getting into a relationship with a girl and years later waking up to realize that I cant emotionally continue it and that I'm repressing who I really am. But at the same I cant deny that I DID fall in love with what I thought was a girl.

Deep down I want to say that I mostly like guys but the fact that I fell in love with a girl causes me massive confusion and leaves me wondering what would've happened had the relationship continued.

[Rhapsody]

Your confusion seems to have come out of a need for some one when you lost a loved one (which is normal) give it a year or two and then see how you feel.

[Pomegranate]

The past is the past. Learn from it and try to move on. Use your brain and trust your feelings in future relationships. Take things slow. Try not to think in terms of black and white, or labels. FEEL who you really are, THINK through things, then BE true to yourself. And you can always change your mind about almost anything, except death and taxes.

[VickiesPath]

After the relationship. I noticed that my sexual preferences were whatever reminded me of this person. Guys who had a witty sense of humor, older guys, blonde women and I began to feel like I had loved the person INSIDE rather than any gender that they had

I liked this part of your post.

There are lots of people who go through this type of confusion at one time or other. Then there are simply bisexuals. And yes, I agree that it all was probably prompted by your tragic loss of your boyfriend.

You will begin to feel better as more time passes. Oh, and by the way, I myself have been duped by an old geezer online before. He didn't claim to be a different sex but he did claim to be 30 years younger than he was. He also was a liar and a cheat. It's happened to a lot of people so don't beat yourself up. It's one of the pitfalls of the internet sometimes.