[DanR]

I believe I have a lot to offer and have many great qualities. I was never modeled what a good relationship is and mine have lack boundaries, good communication, support, etc. I have been working really hard to right my wrongs, change my patterns as this is destroying me literally. I have lost 2 marriages and rarely see my daughter do to what seems to be my infidelity. I have always longed for a great relationship and family, but now I fear all is lost that no one will give me another chance and take a risk on me due to my lack of being faithful in the past? I hope I am wrong but wonder why anyone would take that risk? Would any healthy women date me or ever marry someone with this history? I still sometimes can't believe I am in this position in life. Thanks!

[Shangrala]

Hi, Dan...and welcome to PC.

You know.....It's always been my belief that relationships begin on trust, and it's the distrust which is earned. So, yeah. I would think that there are women out there who would give you a fair chance, despite of your history.
We all make mistakes, sometimes repeating the same one several times over (I can contest to that one..lol).

So long as you are attending to the righting of the wrong, reconstructing your behavior into that of positive AND maintaining that structure, then there is little to concern yourself with.
Don't sweat the past, it's already done. Focus on what good you do offer and can provide. Project the positive and you will attract her.

I wish you the best.

Shangrala

[DangerMagnet]

As Shangrala said tust is there and distrust is earned. It will be harder for a woman to trust you if she's been cheated on before. As long as you are trying to fix your problem one day you will find someone who you can have a relationship.

[jenkins09]

Originally Posted by DanR

I believe I have a lot to offer and have many great qualities. I was never modeled what a good relationship is and mine have lack boundaries, good communication, support, etc. I have been working really hard to right my wrongs, change my patterns as this is destroying me literally. I have lost 2 marriages and rarely see my daughter do to what seems to be my infidelity. I have always longed for a great relationship and family, but now I fear all is lost that no one will give me another chance and take a risk on me due to my lack of being faithful in the past? I hope I am wrong but wonder why anyone would take that risk? Would any healthy women date me or ever marry someone with this history? I still sometimes can't believe I am in this position in life. Thanks!

Why would you want to date a women or get into a relationship while you still have major issues with boundries? Get yourself mentally/emotionally healthy and you will improve your chances of getting into and having a good relationship. Can you afford to see a therapist to address these issues?

[DanR]

Thanks for the replies...I am working on my issues and have made huge improvements but will continue to work on them probably what I make up a very long time if not forever. I am not actually looking to get into a relationship so to say but have always had the question in the back of my mind and part of my fights one way and part the other. Right now I am trying to concentrate on making myself better and building/rebuilding friendships. I am pretty new to the area I live and did not know anyone for a while and now kinda know a couple of women who I am building a friendship. I would like to build friendships with males but that seems to be much harder.

Thanks for your encouragement and advice!

[salukigirl]

I understand that when you are with someone the past is the past, but it is hard to not take that into consideration. Even though my boyfriend has changed A LOT in the past year it is still hard for me to not think about past times when he overreacts a little.

This being said I think it is important to work on yourself before being in a committed relationship. I think a lot of times infidelity, especially when its a consistent pattern, isn't with the other person, it's with ourselves. It's some kind of lack of security or confidence that forces us to seek out approval in others. I know that when I was in my late teens I had a bad streak of seeking attention from older men and flaunting myself because I wasn't happy with myself. Now that I am more confident and more self-respecting, I can't act like that anymore. I actually find it disgusting when I think about how I used to be.

It sounds like you're on that path. Like you don't want anything to do with that man you were in the past which is a good thing. The only person who can change you is yourself. You have to find those qualities in yourself that you aren't happy with and change them. Once you learn to love yourself it will be easy to love someone else. And I'm sure if/when you meet someone special again they will be able to see that.

I'm sorry about your relationship with your daughter. I went for a couple years without talking to my father because he had cheated on my step-mom and hit her the night she found out. After a while I realized it wasn't my duty to "fix" him and I should love him for who he is. I have found ways to let go of those things from the past but that took a while. Hopefully your daughter can see that and you two can rebuild your relationship. Good luck with everything and welcome to PC!

[DanR]

Well hopefully this works kind of a strange interface. Anyways, I agree with what you say and I am trying all of that. It is extremely hard or near impossible not to beat myself up for my actions. I am sure I have hurt others greatly but lately it has been the hurt I have inflicted on myself that is hard to get over. I am new to Seattle and really don't know anyone and work is strange so won't meet anyone there. I have met 2 people I have done things with a time or two...run, etc. They are both women...not going to analyze if it is good or bad. But, I have been able to keep things casual, but still find myself yearning to be around people and these are the only two I know. I do spend quite a bit of time with my dog and alone I would say but things have been different for me this time around. I sometimes wonder if/when is the right time to date and how will I know for sure. I may always question this in my mind. I know there is no right or wrong answer per se but I cannot mess up again but long for a relationship in a healthy manner. I guess I want a romantic relationship but I believe my yearning is just for an intimate relationship with someone I can connect with and who supports you and you can have deep conversations with. I guess this just takes time. I am wondering how long it took for you?

Originally Posted by salukigirl

I understand that when you are with someone the past is the past, but it is hard to not take that into consideration. Even though my boyfriend has changed A LOT in the past year it is still hard for me to not think about past times when he overreacts a little.

This being said I think it is important to work on yourself before being in a committed relationship. I think a lot of times infidelity, especially when its a consistent pattern, isn't with the other person, it's with ourselves. It's some kind of lack of security or confidence that forces us to seek out approval in others. I know that when I was in my late teens I had a bad streak of seeking attention from older men and flaunting myself because I wasn't happy with myself. Now that I am more confident and more self-respecting, I can't act like that anymore. I actually find it disgusting when I think about how I used to be.

It sounds like you're on that path. Like you don't want anything to do with that man you were in the past which is a good thing. The only person who can change you is yourself. You have to find those qualities in yourself that you aren't happy with and change them. Once you learn to love yourself it will be easy to love someone else. And I'm sure if/when you meet someone special again they will be able to see that.

I'm sorry about your relationship with your daughter. I went for a couple years without talking to my father because he had cheated on my step-mom and hit her the night she found out. After a while I realized it wasn't my duty to "fix" him and I should love him for who he is. I have found ways to let go of those things from the past but that took a while. Hopefully your daughter can see that and you two can rebuild your relationship. Good luck with everything and welcome to PC!