[xxAmyxx]

I've been trying to seek advice for this but have got little to no help with google (which is how I found these forms.).

I completely shut down when I am upset and it is upsetting my partner. We live together and when I get upset I completely shut down. I won't talk, move, I just kind of stare into space and be generally unresponsive.

This is how my outside reacts. On the inside I am screaming at myself to move or do something but it is like my body just won't react.
I want to talk to him about why I get upset but I can't. Its like my body won't let me.

He gets so mad when I won't respond but he just won't understand that I can't. I am so afraid that this could end our relationship and I don't want that to happen. I want to fix this.

I have trust issues and have also been physically abused in the past. I keep thinking this is a defense mechanism but I am not sure.

Most of the things that I get upset with him over is the fact that he won't tell me when things upset him. He wants "to make me happy" but I feel sometimes its at the price of him being happy. I have heard some of the complaints he has about me and I just don't understand why he won't come to me with them so I can fix them. I could never say this to him though. Like I said I just shut down.

[gimmeice]

Hello xxAmyxx, welcome to psych central.

Have you considered writing down how you feel about this situation and then showing it to your partner? You could even show him this post.

Shutting down does sound like a defense mechanism to me, have you considered talking to a therapist? This is something that you could work on in therapy.

[purple_fins]

Oh! I used to do the VERY same thing. For me it was a defense mechanism. I was too fearful to say how I felt-- fear of physical abuse and emotional abuse. Just felt like I couldn't risk such vulnerability.

It took a l-o-n-g time for me to start voicing my feelings/thoughts. I think it wouldn't have taken nearly as long had I went and got counseling help back then. (would have saved me from A LOT of fighting with my partner-- I wasn't being fair to him, NOT saying what upset me, gave him no clue as to how to help the situation-- think he felt helpless and confused and felt if I cared about "us" I'd take the initiative to speak up... he didn't know, and most don't..... just how deep a fear can go)

Have you ever considered meeting with a therapist or someone in a similar field? even just a handful of visits could help you to venture out of that thick, strong fortress that, while protects one it also keeps one from living a fully expressive life and puts a "cog" in the wheel of relationships.

best to you and Welcome!

purple fins

[Pomegranate]

I agree with the others, sounds like fear and/or anger is blocking you. Therapy would help - especially if both of you go together. Start in little baby steps to tell him how you feel, use "I" statements. Talk about YOUR feelings. Feelings aren't good are bad, they just ARE. We can't control the way we FEEL. What you do about feelings, what you CAN control are your actions - they can be good or bad.

Not talking about your feelings with your partner will eventually cause problems in your relationship. Perhaps enough to end it. If you start openning up sooner rather than later, you can either get a much better relationship going sooner. Or you'll end one that was never going to work out or be good for YOU sooner, saving you both time and pain.

Well, you know what is not working. You have been given good advice about what may help. Now it is up to you. Good luck.

[jelyicalCat]

Originally Posted by xxAmyxx

I've been trying to seek advice for this but have got little to no help with google (which is how I found these forms.).

I completely shut down when I am upset and it is upsetting my partner. We live together and when I get upset I completely shut down. I won't talk, move, I just kind of stare into space and be generally unresponsive.

This is how my outside reacts. On the inside I am screaming at myself to move or do something but it is like my body just won't react.
I want to talk to him about why I get upset but I can't. Its like my body won't let me.

He gets so mad when I won't respond but he just won't understand that I can't. I am so afraid that this could end our relationship and I don't want that to happen. I want to fix this.

I have trust issues and have also been physically abused in the past. I keep thinking this is a defense mechanism but I am not sure.

Most of the things that I get upset with him over is the fact that he won't tell me when things upset him. He wants "to make me happy" but I feel sometimes its at the price of him being happy. I have heard some of the complaints he has about me and I just don't understand why he won't come to me with them so I can fix them. I could never say this to him though. Like I said I just shut down.

I am going to respond in kind because my brother just came for Christmas and is going through something very similiar.
He and his girlfriend have been together for quite some time. I would say a good seven or eight years. They also live together and have for approx. five of those years. As a result of the economy, the two of them have suffered hard times and money crunches. When they have a disagreement or dispute/argument, she tends to shut down as well. This wasn't always true with their relationship. Even though I have only heard one side of the story, because it was his side maybe you will benefit. When she shuts down he says,"she hides behind her eyes." He explains that she sits close to the window, lights a smoke and stares out of the window without saying a word for hours....maybe even days. From what I hear from him, it seems that he makes his own explanations and comes to his own conclusions about thier disputes, because she won't imput. I would be willing to bet that at least 70% of his imterpretations aren't accurate. Even if you have to write him a letter after one of these episodes. Believe me when I tell you he isn't getting an accurate picture of your true intentions or feelings if you won't let him know somehow. I wish you the very best. I believe that your post was brought to my attention for a reason.

[Tatyana2009]

Hello xxAmyxx!

Well - I think some clarity is needed and seperating things out. I will explain:
You talk about you shutting down - this in itself and issue.
I think the fact that he reacts to that with anger - is another issue
Then there is the dynamincs between the two of you
Then there is your past (abuse that you carry with you and imapcts your behaviour
And there is the fear to trust
You also mentioned that he wont tell you what makes him upset - so the communication between the two of you as well as both of your emotional intelligence is lacking.
For all these - I really really think you would benefit from seeing a counsellor / therapist together.
You know that your response (shutting down) is not helping. His anger at the situation probably escelates things. So you have to learn why you both respond the way you do, how to change it and new ways of responding. This is hardly impossible to do alone for a sustainable amount of time.
My guess is that the not speaking not moving response is a learnt response. Something you did quite early on in your life and never really learnt healthy ways of dealing with conflict. This response is not helping your relationship - you know that. Talking, sharring and trusting your partner to work on things with you while exposing yourself and how you feel, what makes you happy, sad and angery (yes angry..) - is the only way to grow as a couple and be strong together. If you were abused in the past - of course you will have difficulties doing that. Why would you want to make yourself vulnerable... The risk is too high - you may get hurt and you are probably not sure what will happen next.
To start with - I would explain to the BF in a moment when things are fine and calm that you have an issue. That you know that your response is not helping the relationship and that you know how frustrated he gets. Then I would explain that I do not do this on purpose and that I cannot help it and need help to change. What do you think he woud say to counselling?
I hope this helps dear!! x
P.S. I used to respond like this and I promise you - it can change if you want it to!!