[runlikeanantelope]

Hi, I'm new here, just signed up to get this issue out there anonymously, and try to come to terms with what is going on, and where to go. I'm 32, my dad is 65 and my mom is about to turn 70.

My dad has had to care at home for my mom for the last 3 1/2 years. My mom has survived brain cancer and all the treatment, but it has left her neurologically impaired. She is in a wheelchair and needs help with most daily functions. She is able to feed herself but can't really get around or take care of herself.

this summer things started to change and communication from my dad dropped significantly. My sister and I saw clues, and began to suspect he was seeing another woman. This fall while I was away working I got a text message from him that my mom had an incident and was in the er, and would be going to a nursing home from there. she's now in an assistant living home, and will be moving to a nursing home in about a month.

my dad has admitted to pursuing another woman and I have told him that I don't think that is right, if he is already married, and based on he raised me. I question his priorities in regards to my mom's care because he is pursuing another woman. I am angry because I think that this other relationship caused him to rule out all other options as far as care for my mom, like a live in aide or both of them moving to a community where my mom can have assistance. I'm also angry because in the process of all of this he has constantly held things back, lying or giving half truths about his "new life".

I'm at a point now where I don't know if I want him in my life. I don't trust him, I don't agree with what he has done. I worry about my mom's care as well. I don't think I can just cut him out of my life, because he is in charge of my mom's care, and if I ignore that, I believe I will be doing her a disservice. My mom is more with it than he gives her credit for, and he's also hurting her. Oh and the stresses of all of this has caused me to have a IBS flair up, and is causing stress in my marriage.

How do I come to terms with the way I feel about him, and what I feel he has done do our family? There's a part of me that says I want to write him a letter, tell him I'm not proud of him any more, and I don't want him in my family's life.. and then start seeing a counselor to resolve my internal issues...

A lot as gone on in the last few months, I've written it all out, but it's over 4 pages long, and I don't know if I should post all that.

thanks.

[bebop]

I am sorry you are going thru all this. Have you tried sitting down and talking to him about this? One thing to remember....alot of married people have agreements about such things as this. I know I have had that talk with my husband on more than one occassion. don't cut off communication or kick him out of your life until you talk to him and maybe put yourself in his shoes. I am not defending him but give him a chance to explain. when would he have time?

Sorry, runlikeanantelope, my take is that your father's hormones have made your mother extraneous. Please stay involved so your mother gets proper care. Good luck.

People will think I have odd ideas about this I am sure .....

Your relationship you have with your dad is just that. A relationship with your dad.

You are not his keeper and he is not yours, what he does is up to him. I would keep in contact with him

I have a sister who made her feelings quite clear to my mum, that if she re married (my dad died many years ago) then she would be very upset about it so my mum never even looked !

[Tatyana2009]

I am really sorry. I can identify on some level with some of the things you wrote and the situation you are in. Its very difficult.

I agree with the above poster that you are not your dad's keeper though. And that you are not responsible for his actions/behaviour.

I know that knowing he behaved /s like this hurts you and you feel he betrayed you and your mother. That may be true or may be true to an extent.

I think it would be useful to talk to him quitely when you both have the time. Listen to how he sees this, what he feels and why he is acting the way he does and express your concerns, hurt and disappointment etc...

I am with you on the loyalty front etc. But there may be a way you can see how things are for him and that would make it easier. Maybe not...

In any case - for your sake and your mother's sake I think the rational thing to do is to stay in touch. You need to be aware of what his decisions are and how it affects her. He needs to know what your priorities are and respect them. I do not think that he should be the only one deciding where your mother should be (given your age

I know some one (a distant relative) who put his wife in an old people's home because she does not communicate or knows where she is but some times knows alot more than others... some times she recognises people and some times she doesnt. I know its hard on her husband. They have a carer as well looking after her and he comes to see he {ONLY} 3 times a week. Its beyond me. Where is the care? the love? the compasion? the responsibility and loyalty for the one you love. It breaks my heart every time I think about this. And I know she loves him so much. She adores him.

You have to go beyond your feelings and possible anger and make sure you stay close to look after your mother.

I do hope she gets better and I wish you the very best!!

[eskielover]

When you get married you take a vow for better or for worse!!!! That is the bottom line. That was the agreement going into the contract. Just because he isn't getting what he needs at the moment from your mother or for the last few years, that is no excuse to run off & see another woman. He will have enough chance to do that after your mother is no longer alive. It is his responsibility to take the best care of HIS WIFE NOW & see to it that she has the best care.

If he insists on seeing another woman during this time, I would demand on being named the "power of attorney" for her well being since it is obvious that you will be the only one truly concerned with her complete well being without any other outside influence.

I know that the value of marriage doesn't exist anymore.......even though I am separated from my husband, I have not had another man in my life at all for the last 16 years......so it isn't something that is necessary (from first hand experience). I don't believe in any reason he could give for being unfaithful to his wife & that would be the stand I would take if it were my dad.......what they do after the other spouse dies is completely free & up to them, but until that point, they are responsible for their marriage vows & faithfulness. This is a strong opinion & moral value that I will always hold to.

Originally Posted by eskielover

When you get married you take a vow for better or for worse!!!! That is the bottom line. That was the agreement going into the contract. Just because he isn't getting what he needs at the moment from your mother or for the last few years, that is no excuse to run off & see another woman. He will have enough chance to do that after your mother is no longer alive. It is his responsibility to take the best care of HIS WIFE NOW & see to it that she has the best care.

If he insists on seeing another woman during this time, I would demand on being named the "power of attorney" for her well being since it is obvious that you will be the only one truly concerned with her complete well being without any other outside influence.

I know that the value of marriage doesn't exist anymore.......even though I am separated from my husband, I have not had another man in my life at all for the last 16 years......so it isn't something that is necessary (from first hand experience). I don't believe in any reason he could give for being unfaithful to his wife & that would be the stand I would take if it were my dad.......what they do after the other spouse dies is completely free & up to them, but until that point, they are responsible for their marriage vows & faithfulness. This is a strong opinion & moral value that I will always hold to.

In your opinion, I totally disagree.