[catrules]

When I first got diagnosed last January, my husband really struggled with it. He, like many men, is a fixer, and this was something that he could not fix. So he began pulling away, and had a five month affair that started about two months after I got sick.

We have been working really hard to get past this, and it is an everyday struggle. But one of the things that has really been helping, is that we make time after son goes to bed to talk about anything that we are feeling. This is something that neither of us has been very good at, as we were both brought up in family situations where this did not happen. I think that these nightly sessions, is one of the things that is really helping us to heal.

[Belle1979]

I think that communication is very important - if you can't freely express yourself to your life partner then who can you express your wants, needs and emotions with.

Sounds like you are on the right track

I hope it all works out and you are able to move forward in a loving and happy way.

Good luck, catrules.

[catrules]

Thanks guys. Oddly enough, after this devastating year, and everything that has happened, I feel like right now, we probably have a closer and better relationship than we have had in the 12 years that we have been together. We had gotten so far away from each other and from ourselves for that matter, that it was like we were strangers. I feel very fortunate that we have both been willing to put the work into it, so that we can avoid divorce and separation at this point. If you had asked me two years ago if I would have stayed in a relationship where my spouse was cheating, I would have said hell no. But, I have found that it is so easy to judge other people, and to make predictions about what you would or would not do in a certain situation. But you never really know how you might respond until you are actually walking in those shoes.

[lynn P.]

I know EXACTLY how you feel - I 'm been there and walked and still am walking in your shoes. I would have said the same thing - "don't tolerate a cheater, kick him to the curb". When I 1st found out, I almost was going to go to a women's shelter with my girls - I felt like I was being emotionally abused and wanted to run. I always tell people now, never make decisions when you're upset. If I would have gone to the women's shelter it would have ruined my childrens lives and thrust them into poverty. They would have gone from living in a beautiful house to living in a room and taken out of their school. Now 3 yrs later I think much differently and I now consider myself on friendly relations and we respect each other.

I applaud your choice to stay and work on your marriage. Talking and sharing is the best thing to do. I think couples give up way to easy today. I also don't believe in being enemies(exceptions being abuse) when a couple splits especially if there are children involved - why do the kids have to pay for the parents mistakes. Best of luck and good for you both.

[catrules]

Thanks Lynn.

I have a friend who says that marriage should cost a dollar, and divorce 50,000. And he believes that people might be more likely to think twice about it.

But I know that my decision would not be healthy for everyone. One of the things that was a life saver for us was finding a sexual addiction online support group. H has been working on those lessons, and there was a workshop for partners (myself) as well. In order for me to recognize, work through, and let go of the hurt and anger. I agree that my decision to stay would not have happened had I been dealing from my anger. It was definitely harder to stay than leave in a lot of ways.

[amante]

Catsrule,
what's awesome is that you are seeking all the support groups and talking about the situation, that's a huge step in the right direction for your marriage. Millions of marriages do survive cheating, I believe that your love and marriage can get through this. Sending positive vibes your way.