[FeelingHopeful]

Does anyone know ?

[lynn P.]

Most of us are taught from a young age that 'its a sin to hate'. So why don't we use the same principle for ourselves. You deserve to feel love for yourself and some say, you can't show real love for others, until you love yourself. Love yourself and accept any flaws and imperfections.

What is it about yourself that you hate? Make a list. Be objective and specific. Once finished you will know what you need to work on.

Hating yourself is a waste of energy. Use that energy to make a better life for yourself.

Good luck.

[Giabrina]

I would start by making a list of four things you like about yourself.

I will give you #1: You are a caring, supportive person who wants to help others.

I know that because I have read some of your posts and I can tell from your words that you are a very good person.

Now you only have to think of 3 more things you like about yourself. That should not be too hard. Once you have thought of 3 things, PM me or leave a message on this thread that you have done that. YOu don't have to say what your three things are.

Then I will give you the next step. Soon, you will stop hating yourself.

[FeelingHopeful]

Thank you lynn p, byzantine and Giabrina. Love you guys. Lynn, the pics were beautiful, thank you.Byzantine and GiaBrina I will do those lists and get back to you both.

[AdamAW]

Well, I get some inspiration from the articles and advice of Pavel Somov on the home page.

Here's his latest offering, and poem which happens to answer this question:

Perfectly Imperfect

We confuse perfection with imperfection
But there is no difference
Unless, of course, you compare what is with what isn't

If I could be
right this very moment better, worse or other than what I am right now
I wouldn't be myself.
But I am, perfectly imperfect.

And so are you!

It is always like that, not just during this now
But at any now that you are alive.


Hope this helps a little.

[AdamAW]

(((((((((((((((Feeling Sad)))))))))))))))

I'd hazard a guess that many if not most of us on this site have things about us that we don't feel 100% proud of. Things we would like to change. Problems we dearly wish we didn't have.

It is sometimes so difficult for us NOT to hate ourselves. There is so much imperfection and messed-up ness to hate! But does it help???

Let's look at this:

If you hate your job you may be able to apply for a different one....

If you hate your car you may be able to buy a different one....

If you hate your accomodation you may be able to find somewhere else to live....

If you hate you partner you may be able to leave them and find someone else....

If you hate yourself....???

In fact hate doesn't help in any of the above examples. If we want to make a change in our life we will be able to do it far better without hate, but no where is the pointlessness and futility of hate more apparent than with respect to self-hate. It simply gets us no where - no where at all.

We have to accept that people aren't perfect. We have to learn to and accept people for who they are INCLUDING OURSELVES.

If we can have that and acceptance for everyone, including ourselves, then we will be able to see clearer and plan better. Rather than hating ourselves we need to treat ourselves with compassion and care. Rather than criticising ourselves we need to talk to ourselves kindly and gently and offer ourselves the best advice of which we are aware.... just as we would to a close friend whom we cared about very much.

Six years ago my self-criticisms reached a zenith. I was consumed with self-hate and self-loathing.... I came to realize "THIS WILL NEVER WORK".... I made a solemn pledge to myself.... to talk myself gently throught the rest of my life.

I have faltered in that pledge on many occasions, but I have never given it up.

Please be kind to youself FeelingSad. Please be gentle with yourself and take care of yourself as you would a good friend. Your brothers and sisters on PsychCentral know where you are coming from and are with you every step of the way.

[(JD)]

Re: How do you not Hate Yourself?

Work on changing all of your thinking, not just about yourself.
At the top of the psychotherapy forum is a sticky about the 10 common cognitive distortions.
From what I've found, when I am down on myself it's because of stinking thinking...
that I'm not thinking rationally and am distorting
truth and facts. I think it holds true for most people.
Learning to counter those negative (irrational) thoughts will help you have room for the good truthful ones.


Odds are you are blaming yourself for something that isn't yours to own.

[AdamAW]

Buddhist wisdom from the Thai Buddhist tradition:

Do not feel hurt of resent others. Such behaviour is a waste of energy and an obstacle to success.

Do not feel disappointment in yourself or in others. Resentment or disappointment can make one capable or murder or suicide. One might destroy everything one has.

Do not be angry with oneself of others. This can only bring harm.

Do not ridicule yourself or others. Ridicule will hinder you.

[Shangrala]

I do my best to refrain from using the word "hate" as it has such a negative sound with a psychological impactive strength to it.

For much of my younger years I've spent alot of my time disliking myself, even though I did my best to try to convince myself otherwise. My self opinion continued to repeat itself in cycles, (like vs dislike), and it seemed with every "down" cycle (disliking), it became gradually deeper, finding more to dislike, as though I was seeking justification for my lack of understanding WHY I disliked myself. It really didn't make much sense to me as I've always been a good person, (however in my teens, somewhat rebellious, but I believe that had little to no relevance to "who" I was...just a phase).

As I've aged and gained awareness, I've come to realize that despite my past misunderstandings were about myself, they originated from somewhere. I've realized that I "learned" this thinking process from, of course, being taught. And upon my discovery that it IS a thinking process, I also realized that any process can be altered. We "think", therefore we "are", sorta thing.
All those years I spent with inner contradiction & confusion. I KNEW I conducted myself with respect & regard for others, yet something inside of me was tugging at me, resulting in a great sense of self-disapproval, (thus disliking myself), and always questioning myself.."Why am I 'not' trying harder?"..."Why 'can't' I achieve greater?"..."I 'should' be happier"..."I 'wouldn't' be this, if I had done that".."I 'won't' ever be happy".
('not', 'can't', 'shouldn't', 'wouldn't', 'won't', and any other negative reinforcements..."hate"), are words which maintian a "doom" mental scenario for ourselves.
It was that process of thinking which carried the negative that I "learned".

The primary part of altering our own selves is HOW we think, not just about ourselves, but also, about how we perceive life, in general, (though it does start within ourselves...which is why it is so difficult).

I admit, it is a slow progress to alter our thinking, but it really DOES work.
If we can learn to "hear" how we think...to pay notice to the words we choose to utilize in our expressions, AND use the positive to replace the negative, then that is the step toward how we begin to view our own selves. We retrain our thinking process, and begin to attract toward ourselves that of which we actually think. As we practice this alteration it becomes easier.
ANY positive takes presedence over negative, (a perfect example of that practice is shown throughout this reply of mine, if you haven't already noticed).

You've received some great advice. Making a list, focusing primarily on the positive, is a great start. Try to pay notice to what words you use for thought & expression.
What I did was I wrote a few paragraphs of a description of myself. I was as honest as possible, without paying attention to any "good/bad". I just wrote what I felt about myself. I then reviewed it as though someone else had written it. I circled all the descriptive words used, "positive" (in green), and "negative"(in red). This provided me some great insight on HOW I think, which helped me a great deal on where to begin to apply alteration.

Perhaps, you can try this method, as well, at least to provide yourself a better understanding of how you think, therefore why you feel...

Below are a couple links I am including to "The Secret". It is something that I discovered early last year, which, upon my discovery, had only reinforced what I already knew, (however opened many new avenues for me). I am hoping they can help you, as well.

http://thesecret.tv/

I hope this helps you some.
I wish you all the best. Take good care.

Shangrala

How are you doing, FeelingSad?

[FeelingHopeful]

Hi Bzantine,Trying to take it a day at a time. Im having trouble forgiving myself for some stuff.