[ke35096]

never thought that I would be in this situation where I have to get online to ask this…. But…. Well here I am.

Im 21 years old, US ARMY and im in Iraq for the second time. After my last time in iraqI started dating a woman, let’s call her Nina.
When I met Nina we had some of the best times in our life, for months, I was so happy. until I found out everything that she had told me was a lie. I found out she was married. After I packed up and left she pulled the whole I was confused bit. She told me that she was putting in the devoice work. come to find out she lied about that too. After a few weeks of back and forth of her telling me she left him and then i find out diffrently. I left and she showed up at my door a few weeks later with the devoice papers in hand.

Well I took her back…. Big mistake. The lies even about the most pointless things in the world continued, and got worse. And it pushed me so far away that I left her again. And she didn’t seem to care until I started talking with another woman. She came to me tearful and begging me to came back And damnit I love her and I went back. And the lies did get better…. She did cut it almost to a complete halt. But…. With now her divorced and she knows that the 1 more lie and I’m out the door, that’s when the mental abuse started. well….. it got worse, Now im very patent when I comes to this kind of thing but it once again pushed me past my mark. And I left again…

Once again she didn’t seem to care until she found out I was with another woman. She begs a pleads that she is going to change. And I do love her….. but I don’t know if I can handle the stress of her any more. And to be honest I feel like I lost my chance with much better girls for choosing her.

And on top of this during the cores of our year long relationship she has had 2 acts of infidelity, and talking to hubby behind my back until I put a stop to that. I guess you could say that I was unfaithful also with the two girls that I was with when I left her.

Now I will give a little background on her. I do know that one of her ex’s was extremely abusive. Physically and mentally. I know that her parents were not the best in the world and I that lil radar in my head thinks a history of sexual abuse also. That’s one part of why I have kept working with her. I have never even yelled at this girl, and the only time she has ever seen me violent is when someone almost hit my new truck .

I do know that she has the capacity in her to change, ive seen it with my own eyes. But with me now in a warzone, the stress is more of a burden than before. I can’t trust her, I worry about what she tells me. I also worry about what she does while I’m away. I have a very strong hunch the she has cheated on me again.

What am I to do…… do I try and work with her at the risk of my sanity, or just let this one go?

I can give a little background on myself. I grew up with an alkey of a mother, and all my father figures have been drug dealers. I left that lifestyle in search of something better. At age 15 I left and lived on the streets for a bit, and then finally got taken into the child services and wound up with an outstanding foster family. That pushed me over the limit in search of something better.

I took my ged at age 16 and passed with a 3600 and was offered a scholarship for one year. I wound up joining the army at 18 for the money to continue school. I did have a little difficulty adjusting to the lifestyle at first. ( the wake up the most ). But currently as Im writing this my sergeants talk nothing but praise of me. I also here from friends, and my superiors on how resoundingly resilient I am. There is not much that can get me down I always seem to find the bright side of things no matter how bad they are.

[Michah]

Dear person,

Having read what you have written........and knowing that you are in foreign lands.......I can only imagine how difficult this must be for you.

But I feel from your tone, that you have your answer already.

You have great insight......you are very good at your job.......you get praise from your superiors......you have left a dangerous and damaging home life to become a very honourable, brave and devoted man, to yourself and to your country.

I do not doubt that you deeply love this person, but I wonder if they love themselves? And if she does not, you cannot teach her. She must learn to love herself on her own. You can support her, but do not give yourself up in the process. Give nothing that you were not prepared to live without in the first place.

You sound like a lovely, caring person who deserves to be loved in the most pure of ways. Do not accept anything less. She cannot have her cake and eat it too. I imagine that she loves you too in her own way, but it is unhealthy. There is no trust, and where there is no trust, there is no friendship, no loyalty, no honour......

As you would expect your fellow soldiers to have your back, so must you expect it from people who you love. It is no different.

Love thyself and all else shall follow........get rid of all things that are dark, and the light of all things will come to you.......I guarantee it

Take good care.......of your precious self.

In stillness,

Michah

[Tatyana2009]

After Michah's kind words, which I stand by completely, and I could not have put it any better, I want to share something with you as I was reading your note:

The phrase 'work with her' stood out to me. I think you repeated it twice. I think it is very telling of the frame of mind you are in and how you see this relationship. You work with a colleague, with a unit, with a problem. The fact that you feel you need to work with her is a sign that you are not getting your needs met and that your idea of a relationship may be hurting you.

If you feel a woman deserves your love and loves you as you should be loved you would not feel you need to 'work with her'...

Her lies, dishonesty and instablity causes you pain and I think you know the answer already. You have done well stepping out of the life that had and achieved status and appreciation. I think its time you did the same in your love life. Some times when we stop trying so hard that is when happiness comes. I would ask myself - what is my need to hold on to someone who does not love themselves? Maybe you want to rescue her (work with...) or change something you could not change before - whatever it is - put yourself first and see that your needs are met. We only live once!

Take care of yourself and I hope you continue to grow and prosper! And stay safe xxx

[NuckingFutz]

Could not have said it better myself. Coming from a veteran, there are so many women out there that will treat you like a human being instead of treating you like their own personal emotional play thing. It is time to stop being her yo-yo. Let her go, even if she begs...and carry on soldier.

[lostnbigcity]

wow. after reading your post and reading the replies I'm thinking these people know their stuff. A lot of good advice there and I think you have so much life ahead of you that you need to focus on what you want & need for your future and keep moving on. I have wasted 10 yrs of my life waiting for someone to grow up and its time for me to do the same. I would like to say" I'm proud of YOU " for what you are doing (after all you have been through) just hang in there and don't settle for less that what you deserve. I wish you the best and hope that we will read some good news comming from you very soon . take care of yourself and stay safe.

[ke35096]

well guys, i did it, i broke it off with her. but now i just need to stay away from her.

i need my heart to rest befor she starts agan so i can tell her to shove it or something

[Tatyana2009]

Ke, well done dear! That is good news. Now - like you say, the next step is to stand by your own conviction and be strong.

In my view, I think the best thing is to stop all contact with her. Not answer her calls, even change your number, do not agree to see her again. If she tries to make contact - tell her you are not interested to hear from her and you are moving on. Say it calmly and politely. No anger in your voice. And put the phone down, or walk a way. If she then does not stop - warn her that you will call the police if she does not stop. I know its hard but she is bad news and you have to be the mature one and set the limits.

Do not tell her about new women you meet or anything about your private life for that matter. If its over - its over. I know that if you give her even the tiniest glimpse of chance to get into your life she will maniulate her way in. Be firm and clear.

Hugs xx

[ke35096]

Originally Posted by Tatyana2009

Ke, well done dear! That is good news. Now - like you say, the next step is to stand by your own conviction and be strong.

In my view, I think the best thing is to stop all contact with her. Not answer her calls, even change your number, do not agree to see her again. If she tries to make contact - tell her you are not interested to hear from her and you are moving on. Say it calmly and politely. No anger in your voice. And put the phone down, or walk a way. If she then does not stop - warn her that you will call the police if she does not stop. I know its hard but she is bad news and you have to be the mature one and set the limits.

Do not tell her about new women you meet or anything about your private life for that matter. If its over - its over. I know that if you give her even the tiniest glimpse of chance to get into your life she will maniulate her way in. Be firm and clear.

Hugs xx

sound advice, and i will do every thing in my power to follow it. yea im a little blue, i did love...er... i do love her. but she es toxic for me. and i need to stay away from it.

[ke35096]

sound advice.... and im going to do every thing in my power to follow it.

Good luck, Ke.

[salukigirl]

And remember if she does ever try to come back and start telling you all those lies just think of every time she let you down and lied and think of that emotion and how that felt. If that doesn't work....come on here and tell us and we'll find someone to fly over there and slap you out of it!

[NuckingFutz]

Good for you! You trust that M16 like you would never trust her! WhoooHaaaa! It's a military thing xa know.

[Tatyana2009]

I know you love her but I think you love yourself more. So stay firm and positive. She is toxic and those who lie to us will also hurt us. Lies are a form of abuse. Trust your own truth and self worth!

We are here for you x