Just Dont Understand Him -

He is working on it (slowly but working on it) - I just hope my head dont crack from me banging it against the wall.

I have been having the same problem with my boyfriend. It seems lately that everything I say is wrong. I don't understand him. I try to counteract this by just trying to stay positive and not give him a reason to pick a fight (perhaps faking being happy) and then he get mad at me for "not being myself." I can't win. I am done trying to please him and others. What has it gotten me? NOTHING! GRRRRRRR!

Here I am hoping the fit don't hit the shan -

Our household life is about to change and its going to be big one and I am not sure how well my Dr. Jekyll Mr. Hide husband is going to handle it..... but any ways here is the story.

Our oldest son and his significant other (with whom he has one child with) are separating after five years together and our son has asked to move back in with us for a few months (starting tomorrow) until he can save up some money and get an apartment of his own. He will bring with him a 1 year old pitbull which I gave him as a college graduation gift, therefore, I love the dog and dont mind the stay - but the young dogs still puppy like behavior gets on my husbands and our other sons nerves after a few hours of having to deal with him and the disruption his rambunctious behavior brings into the house with our own two dogs that are calm older dogs (14 & 7) - not to mention the two new kittens we took in a few months back that my sons dog thinks of as his own play toys - he never tries to hurt the kittens just bothers them to much.

\-- but now the good part of this all is that our son will get his baby girl (our 18 mth old granddaughter) every Friday through Sunday while mom is at work - mom is a nurse and does the 12 hour weekend shift so she can be home with her kids through out the week days... she has three kids by her first marriage, so that makes four in all (she is a good mom). Baby girl will probably share the king size bed we have with hubby and I when she visits on the weekend while dad (our son) sleeps on the living room sofa.

I am praying for a smooth transition and yet I fear it will not go that way as the older son that is moving back home is a lot like his dad (guess he learned thru watching) - please keep us in your prayers and thoughts and dont forget to ask how I am doing when you see me online, as I may need a friend or two in the weeks to come.

(hugs for me)

No wonder your husband is grumpy-- I'd be too.... with all that is going on and moving in! did your husband agree with these changes and is he on board 100%?

maybe he likes quiet down time when he comes home and now that is being taken away from him??

I hope things work out for all of you.

fins

No No - the grumpiness has nothing to do with this situation (even though it might make it worse) - we just found out about my son and his gf's break up yesterday... hubby has been grumpy for a good year and a half.

Just some FYI -

1. I give hubby down time after work
2. I cook a good meal for hubby and family
3. I do not mind if hubby needs time away from me
4. I rarely say no to sex when he wants it (maybe 3x in 27 yrs)
5. I do my best not to make waves in an already eggshell carpet house.

I feel as though I'm doing my part - hence this thread / post (i am confused).

Maybe there is something going on with the universe. Over the last month or so my husband has been particularly… aggressive. Not physically of course, but it his fuse has been very short. I’ve known him for 33 years, we’ve been married for 24, this is NOT like him. He has always been the kindest, most patient person I’ve ever met. I didn’t even think he had a temper for the first 7 years we were married. There was a brief period after his mother died unexpectedly that he didn’t act like himself, this is completely understandable.

At first I just thought something was going on at work or something and that it would just work itself out. But it got old fast. I stopped reacting to his snaps and asked him “what was it about that last statement/incident that made you so angry”.

Yeah - I too am learning not to respond so much to his negative reaction and then he will go away or at least the anger that erupted in him (for no real present reason) will leave faster.

I wonder how many of the ladies that have this save problem share their lives with men that are over 40 years old? - I ask because I just cant help but wonder if this is actually a grumpy old man stage starting to stir as I read in a medical book that older people cant help but to be grumpy / cranky at times as they age due to the fact that they are loosing the hormones in their body that helps keep them happy and balanced.

Some thing that came out of one of his explosions this weekend....

My husband is upset that I never (his words not mine) support him in what he feels when he gets upset... My side - how am I suppose to support his outburst when I am not the kind of person that gets angry easily let alone for it to be over some thing small and I'm diffidently not a person that has to rant rave and curse to feel better? - I find peace to be more beneficial to my over all heath.

Here is the incident that brought out these feelings...

It had been raining all day Friday and the four or five trucks that drive in and out where we live (on in laws property) had made some divots and muddy puddles at the front of our gravel drive way and in the back field behind our house... when my husband got home from work and saw the mess the trucks had made that day during the rainy down pour he went postal and was ready to attack anyone and everyone that was involved in letting those dam trucks on the property in the first place.

My husband seemed to be upset for damage "he felt" the trucks were possibly going to do to the property in the weeks to come - I on the other hand did not feel that it was our issue (or side of the property) to get involved in nor did I want I expend any negative energy on some thing that had not yet happened, as I could tell the guys were doing their best to drive carefully with the rain and all... not to mention that I did not wish to stir matters among good caring family members if we did not have too.

My husband said "he is annoyed that I don't get annoyed" -

I thought that is how we were suppose to be - to mature after years of growing in wisdom and experience... and btw I do get annoyed, its just not that often and I have just learned to pick my battles and to not make every little thing a war zone... were as hubby seems to want a war.

What Am I to do.... I am a person that see's the cup half full - and hubby is the person that always see's the cup as half empty... he is negative I am positive (and) it is driving a wedge between us. *sigh*

I really can see both sides of this particular issue. It is annoying when people show no respect for your property. I live on a corner and all of the rain has gotten rid of the snow and my yard is FILLED with litter. I get very annoyed, we don’t even drink, yet our yard looks like we’re alcoholics. Don’t even get me started on people letting their dogs crap in my yard and not picking it up. My OWN dogs don’t crap in my yard, they go in the 15 X 20 foot run and it’s localize and easy to clean.

But if the property isn’t his, then he really doesn’t have any room to complain. I understand his frustration, I am one of those people that call the police with your license plate number when you throw a fast food bag of garbage out your car window.

I’m with you though, you have to pick your battles. It only makes you miserable to let everything irritate you.

I agree 100% - and I would be upset IF it was our property that was getting damaged, but its not it the property next to use.

Yeah Right try telling my husband that - the people that are helping the rain destroy the ground with their big trucks are related to the person that owns that side of the land.

While I do understand his frustration - I cant become part of it as I feel that it is not our issue to get involved in.... nor our part of the land.

AMEN! - and yet hubby wants to be annoyed with me because I will not get annoyed with the trucks the rain and the ground...

What I think he is really upset about is that the trucks shouldn't be back here in the first interfering with our peaceful solitude - the owner of the property is letting one of her adult sons run his construction / electric company of out this residential zone until he can get back on his feet this year.... and we are the only family that lives on one of the 5 acres she owns back here... she being my sisters mother-in-law via a twenty year marriage to her other son and she was my second mom away from home when I was a teenager and needed a place to retreat to (so I dont want any ill feelings between us if there dont have to be).

But even with all that said and done the real issue here is still problems like these that seem to happen in my husbands angry mind every other day of our life and they are driving me crazy and pushing us further a part from each other and I dont know what to do about it.

I can support husband when he is right or when he needs to vent in order to release and move on, but I cannot condone what he says and does when he is driven by anger like a mad man.

? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?

Maybe anger is the only way he can express his frustration? I know, that's not really helpful. I'm sorry that you are struggling with this. I hope it gets better.

With out a doubt anger is his first reaction to most things... why is that people see anger as a suitable way to express negative feelings?
I will never fully understand human nature. *shakes head*

I have read that men when hurt or upset become angry to release.
I have read that women when hurt or upset cry to release their feelings.

... i am starting to think this may just be the norm per male and female reactions.

I think that author had it right, men are from Mars and women are from Venus. Ideally we balance each other out.

The one thing that my husband and I… discuss over and over again is his immediate negative reaction to something. Tonight for example, our 20 year old daughter called for … approval on buying a hedgehog. This absolutely set him off. He came storming in (interrupting Lost, which is NOT done) ranting to me about how this is going to limit her apartment choices next year etc etc etc. Every single argument he made was 100% accurate and correct.

BUT 1)What does he expect me to do about it? When she called me, I simply told her that this was not one of her better ideas and she needs to think it through. 2) She’s an ADULT, and if she wants to go out and get a hedgehog does it really matter? She’s here in our home a grand total of 4 months a year. I cannot comprehend why this is such a BIG deal.

If these trucks (noise and traffic) are disturbing your peace, is there a way to talk to the owner of the property? It sounds like you’ve had a pretty good relationship in the past, surely there must be a way to compromise.

1. Is there a disparity in education. My Dad would get upset when my Mom unintentionally made him feel inadequate.

2. Is there something going on at work that has caused your husband distress?

The trucks really don't disturb any peace audibly (the owner of that side of the property makes sure they remain as quite as possible because he knows we sleep in late) - its all in my husband dissatisfied mind, therefore, it bothers him that they are here.
and as far as the in and out traffic goes the trucks come onto the property in the morning when my husband is up getting ready for work... then the drivers leave in a company vehicle and usually don't return until its time to go home.

No Problem with Education... we both went to college and are very smart -

My husband has been dissatisfied with work for a few years... and I have supported him in finding another job if that is what he wanted to do - but he has been with this particular company for over 15 years and has great pay and benefits, therefore, he will not leave.

I might also add that hubby has been dissatisfied with most aspects of his life the last five years - this issue is just the latest.
---> Angry Outburst for no Real Reason and Hard to talk or live with with out setting him off (and thats for everyone, not just me)

Is his birthday coming up fairly soon? How about enrolling him in an anger management course?

He just had a birthday as stated in one of my earlier post (turned 45) - but he has been like this for almost two years.... and yes, I have suggested an anger management class and or counseling, but as they say you can lead a horse to water but you cant make him drink.

I'm not really looking for a solution here (as I am aware of most of them) - I'm really just trying to figure out WHY he is like he is so I can better understand the man I have loved for almost thirty years... he sure has gotten complex over the years.

Thanks for the advice though -

Rhapsody, figuring out Why makes sense, but is probably the hardest thing to figure out. Good luck and if you figure it out, could you please tell the rest of us women why men are so angry?

I think maybe the answer is already in this thread - men get angry and women cry...biological? emotional? I know my husband sees crying as weakness, but anger is strength.

Yeah - I guess that is WHY (human nature) and we all know that we cant fight that which we were born with.... now to try and help him work on managing it so his anger dont get the best of him, others or us.

Any suggestions on how to get him to calm down? - other than sending him to therapy, anger management classes or have him read a book - he hates to rely on strangers for help and like to solve problems by him self... go figure as he is male.

Wish I had an answer...maybe it's the nature of the beast...

Oh - I have an idea - maybe if anger is strength to men, we could help them find a different strength???

I'm just throwing some ideas here.

1. Men get very uptight when they're strained financially - are you both under financial stress?
2. Is he having any prostate problems or sexual difficulties?
3. Is he sleeping well - no snoring or sleep apnea?
4. Does he have an interesting hobby or could he find one? Take the mundane out of the daily routine.
5. Could you both go for long walks and talk. Go on a date where you don't have any serious conversation.
6. Ask him to think about what's the reason for his behavior - be genuinely interested rather than accusatory(not that you are)
7. See if he would be willing to count to 10 and take some deep breaths before he reacts.
8. Could you both go to a meditation class together?
9. Maybe he's having middle age crisis thoughts.

I cried when I finally realized just how bad men are perceived. I know men are slow on the uptake. I am happy to report I gave my cave a thorough cleaning. Also, I stopped referring to myself as an enlightened Neanderthal. I thought survivor of the dark ages may evoke a bit more sympathy.

But, I am sincere in wanting to learn. Thanks to all.

A little update... my husband has asked for some time to be set a side where he can talk to me - he says that he is not doing to well and he used the word fragile and scared of everything to describe how he is feeling.

Keeps us in your thoughts and prayers.....