[lonelyone]

Hi. Any tips on making friends. I'm a married (unhappily) woman with 2 great kids. I've always had difficulty forming and sustaining friendships throughout my life. I'm in my early 40's. I've tried learning a new sport (tennis) and made one friend but she "disappeared" after a while. Neighbors are friendly and people generally are, but how does one become friends? I always feel like an outsider at parties or events. Everybody seems to hook up with each other and I'm usually left standing by myself. I have a soft voice and reallyhave a hard time being heard sometimes. Also, I sometimes stutter (!) and it's so embarrassing, but it's kind of rare when I do. I get the impression that people think I am boring or stupid, and I'm beginning to think I am. Please help.

[heidu]

I don't have any great advice for you but I wanted to tell you I totally understand. People have generally liked me and for some reason feel very comfortable with me. After knowing someone an hour or so they end up telling me thier secrets, life stories or asking for some sort of help with some situation. I have made lots of friends in my life but most don't stay. They say a friend for a reason a season or a lifetime. I have a hard time with the lifetime. Everything seems fine and suddenly they get mad, fade out or just dissapear.
People seem for some reason to admire me for the person I am and it makes them feel worse for the person they are. I don't put that out cause I think I am open, honest and non-judgemental. The thing is they may think I am "close to perfect" but I try really hard to be the person I am and to treat people well. I can't imagine that I have to be thoughtless, uncompassionate or mean just to keep good friends.
I don't know if this helps at all. I just intended to say I understand but then all this comes out.
As for the boring or stupid, maybe it's because your a little shy and uncormfortable and since your kinda quiet people aren't "noticing" you so much. No your fault at all, if that's how you are. Not everyone can be the life of the party.
I am very much a people person but I live in another country where they speak another language so I get the same thing, because I can't participate people forget I am even there and it makes me feel not fun and boring and sometimes stupid. I have to keep reminding myself I am not but it is hard.
Keep reminding yourself that you are not boring or stupid. Maybe it's just a crowd that you don't mesh well with r have so much in common to talk about.
I am gonna shut up now!! If you find any secrets to making good friends let me know!!
Heidu

[mj14]

lonelyone, it seems that to make new friends, you must meet new people. And I have two things I do when I want to meet new people...join a club or take a class. Do you have any interests? Even if it is just joining a book club (a lot of libraries and book stores have them now), or taking a class at the local high school or YMCA...it puts you in the company of other people.

Good luck...as long as you are getting out and meeting people, you always have the chance of finding someone that you really click with.

*hugs*
mj

[kvinneakt]

I used to be involved with the biggest, lovingest, happiest bunch of social misfits ever. (Not all, please don't be offended if you are in that subset of this group.) Who? Folkdancers. Folk dancers and folk musicians seem to self-select for people who need social contact and are not very good verbally. You don't need any talent, just find a dance (contra, old English, old time, Irish, etc) and show up early. There is almost always easy to follow lessons for free. You will never get so many smiles and hugs in those few hours in years of the rest of your life. It is very child friendly. You can bring your partner, or not, it really does not matter. It is great exercise.

(gee. I almost have myself talked into getting back into it.)

Hi Lonely,

We are about the same age and the same situation although I have one terrific child. I don't socialize very well, mostly because I don't trust people any longer - everytime I do, I end up getting hurt.

You are not boring or stupid, just shy probably. That's not a bad thing - people just need to take the time to get to know you and I'm sure that you will find some who will. Get involved in an activity that you enjoy doing, go to the library, etc. You'll meet people who have the same interests as you and start talking.

Take care.

Mary Alice

[SeptemberMorn]

Hi there.

Has anyone ever said something about you having Social Anxiety? I used to feel the same way as you do. In fact, people used to think I was "stuck up" because it was difficult for me to walk up to anyone, especially at any kind of gathering, and just say "Hi." Suddenly, I didn't have anything to say. It was that way for me most of my life until I started taking anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medications. Oh yeah! And I stopped worrying about what people thought of me! Like Popeye said "I yam what I yam!"

<font color=blue>This above all: To thine own self be true. --Shakespeare</font color=blue>

[heidu]

Sorry again I rambled so much. Maybe that's a reason I have a hard time keeping friends?
I am just having the same thoughts you are and wondering why so I just started rambling.
Hope your having a good weekend.
Heidu

[Rapunzel]

You sound a lot like me. I don't know that I have any answers, but we can be friends - how's that? I found it a lot easier to make friends through the internet than in person, for several reasons. I'm quiet and easy to overlook. I stutter sometimes too, but not particularly often. I can't usually get a word in when people are having a conversation. I'm short, and I think that a lot of the time people don't even see me or know that I'm there. Also, I was an Air Force Brat, and moved around so much, so no matter where I am I'm the new girl and everybody else has plenty of friends already so they just don't need me. I have social anxiety. One of the things they have always tried to get me to do in therapy (which I resist with everything I've got) is to be more assertive.

Since getting internet connection (almost 7 years ago) and joining some e-mail lists I started to have on-line friends. That has helped me more than anything. I can talk to people this way and they even hear me. I'm not afraid of moving away or them moving away because we can still talk on-line. I have some true friends in my internet pen-pals. I've even met a few of them in person, which is scary and doesn't always go quite as well as through the computer, but we're still friends and always will be. Learning how to have friends this way has also helped me a little bit with learning how to make friends off the computer too. It's a lot less comfortable, but it is possible now.

You could also try therapy - particularly group therapy (a social skills group). It's uncomfortable at first, but it can help. Or, what hobbies do you have? You mentioned tennis. Finding people who share the same hobbies as I do is one of my strategies too. Starting a new hobby is also good.

I'm married too and I have three kids. If you want to write to me, click on my user name and you can PM me or find my website and my e-mail and write to me that way.

<font color=green>Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that, you, too, can become great. -Mark Twain</font color=green>

Rapunzel,

I hope you consider me a friend as well - I think you are terrific. Online is where my friends are also these days - it's easier than going thru with meeting in person.

Have a good day, ok? {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Rapunzel}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Mary Alice

[Rapunzel]

Mary Alice,

You really made me smile just now. I definitely do consider you to be one of my friends, and I'm so glad that you feel the same way. What I said above about writing to me goes for you too as well as anyone else who is my friend or would like to be. I am very glad for all of my friends here.

<font color=green>Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that, you, too, can become great. -Mark Twain</font color=green>

[Dias]

i want a freind please!™

[Rapunzel]

Sure thing. There's always room for one more friend.

Welcome, Dias
Wendy

<font color=blue>Life is filled with tragedy; if you let it overwhelm you, you cannot enjoy life's innocent pleasures. -Robert Heinlein</font color=blue>

[Dias]

thanks!!!!! :-)

[Dias]

thanks alot rapunzel were freinds already!

Why Fear Im Here