[Blue Krik]

Sigh. I have to rant yet again, cause seriously? It's never going to end.

I finally plucked up the courage to become a responsible adult, I told my dad and aunt that I'm done being their slave, that I'm going to go to the school I want, that I'm going to get the job I want (which I already did) and that I'm going to live my own life without any input from them whatsoever.
It was extremely hard for me to do this, while dealing with my therapy at the same time, but my T said this confrontation was a direct result of my evolution in the past three months and that she's very pleased and happy for me.

Now, what did I get from my parents? Let's see. First they said it was the world's fault that I decided to "go against them". That I couldn't possibly think for myself, like I'm retarded or something. Then they added that I will never be able to do anything on my own, so I will end up crawling back to them and they'll turn me down, obviously. And then they complained about the amount of money they spent with me the entire time I was growing up. Well, I'm sorry I was born, what am I supposed to do now? Play the guilty card forever so that I always end up doing what they want me to do?!
My mom is the only one that is here for me, though she's not allowed to. My father clearly told her that if she contacts me in any way, shape or form, she'd have to pack her things and move out. I've been told by my aunt that I simply do not exist anymore, now that I'm on my own. T says it's because she's losing influence over me, so duh.

So. Yesterday I exploded on everyone. I was talking to my aunt on the phone, trying to make her understand that all people need to live THEIR life and she started blaming my mother for this "disaster", as she put it. That my mother shouldn't have had me in the first place, because oh my, I turned out to be a disappointment. And how my dad tried everything. My dad was nothing but a lousy drunk until I was 12 and then he went to rehab because my aunt MADE him go, not because he wanted to. I never had a father. He was never there for me. Why the hell does everyone think he's a freaking saint?! He does nothing but abuse the people around him. The constant yelling, threatening, shoving around etc. They think it's normal!! "What, everyone gets mad" - that's what my aunt says. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. We do get mad, but we don't push our kids and wives around, just cause we're tough and we can.

I'm extremely angry. So angry that I could shove something down my dad's throat. Quite possibly my aunt's sick and twisted brain. It's okay for them to do as they please, but it's bad when others do it, too. Talk about double standards. My aunt told me numerous times that I can talk to her honestly about things and yesterday when I finally did (only because I got so angry, I just couldn't help it)? She called my dad and told him everything I said. Every little thing. And somehow that makes me the bad guy in the story, even though the only thing I did was to leave my house. I didn't take anymore money from them, I found myself a job and I'm trying to manage. It's not like I told them "you know what? give me money, but I'm gonna go and do absolutely nothing all day long". No.

I think this relationship with my aunt and dad is a goner. I don't even want to talk to them ever again. Actually, you can't talk to them. It's one thing you say and a totally different one they want to hear. My dad already stopped talking to me, almost two weeks ago. My aunt however tried to manipulate me to go back home and do what they want me to. I resisted and now I'm being treated like I'm clinically insane. Well then, I guess the entire planet is clinically insane, since we're all struggling to have a life of our own. Am I doing something that's so wrong? Sometimes I wonder if I'm the one that needs to take a step back and look at things. I was so sick of being a simple spectator to my life, I decided to take the reins. And...I'm being shot for it. I guess it's a bad thing.

It's times like these when I wonder if it would be better to end it all. After all, I am the biggest disappointment ever. Sigh.

((((Blue Krik))))

I think your really strong... the manipulation, the abuse, physical, verbal adn emotional, Im really happy for you for moving away and taking control of your life!!!

sometimes when family gets too much for me it can help to take a break, focus on you and friends and interests and the new job... and talk to them later on, be it days weeks months, with support from friends to help you

[perpetuallysad]

Wow, your dad and aunt seem to be incredibly controlling people. I am sorry that they treat you like this, but I think its wonderful you've stood up for yourself and moved out. That's a huge step. It may be hard, but I would suggest not having contact with them for a while. Clearly when they talk to you they are only going to try to manipulate you. Perhaps you can take a few months to get yourself into a better place, and put some distance between all the pain. It stinks to realize it but sometimes our family isn't healthy for us.

By the way, its alright for you to want your own life. There is nothing wrong with moving out on your own and having your own life. You are not a failure, or retarded or anything of the other things that your parents tell you or make you feel like. You are good. You do deserve happiness.

[IndigoD]

I think you are amazing and strong and doing your best in a hard situation. I understand that sometime emotional abuse/manipulation can be so much harder to talk about and deal with than physical because noone sees it or understands. My family played the guilt card on me too, I spent so many years trying to please them until I also questioned whether I wouldn't be better of ending it all. I did end it all, but in a more positive way. I took my life into my own hands, just like you. It was hard, it was lonely, but it was soooo worth it. It took time, but eventually I even managed to reform relationships with my family, when I was strong enough that they couldn't hurt me anymore. Now I am actually gad for what I went through - it has made me who I am today. I am kinder, more compassionate, stronger, and I understand other people (just like you! :-) ) much better. My family even look up to me now, they see me as independent and capable and ask for my advice.
But I had to take care of myself first. You are clearly brave enough to take drastic action - just make sure it is positive action for YOU. Put yourself first, and trust me, you will be glad you did!
I wish you all the best!
xx

Good luck with making a good life for yourself, Blue Krik.

[FooZe]

Originally Posted by Blue Krik

Why the hell does everyone think he's a freaking saint?! He does nothing but abuse the people around him.

Could it be because they're all afraid of him? As in, the first one to go against his wishes will be made an example of?

It sounds like you are one of the first, and everyone in the family has a big investment in proving that you won't get away with it -- because if you do, it'll mean that they could've, too, and all these years they've been putting up with his abuse, and (I'm guessing) one another's, for nothing. They seem to be trying to make you the "identified patient"; I'm pleased to see that for the most part you're having none of it.

You seem to have grown, and gained a lot of perspective on your family situation, since your other thread almost a year ago. I'm sorry this has to be so hard on you, but I think you're doing the right thing setting boundaries and distancing yourself from the whole mess.

There's one thing that I wanted to be sure to point out to you: if you set out to succeed or fail (at whatever) in order to prove your father wrong, your life will still revolve around your father. Whether you succeed or fail, let it be at something that you choose for yourself.

I don't know why I'm even asking, but is that aunt your father's sister or your mother's?

It's times like these when I wonder if it would be better to end it all. After all, I am the biggest disappointment ever. Sigh.

That is how it's going to look when you adopt your father's perspective. You already know his is not a good fit for you; you do a lot better when you're looking from your own point of view.

[salukigirl]

Good for you! My dad told me once that he resented having us because he didn't get to do what he wanted to and had to spend all this money raising us. Well EXCUSE ME! So it's my fault you don't know how a condom works?!

While I do think it's important to at least have a relationship with your parents, it sounds like it might be good to just go and be by yourself for a while. Give everyone time to calm down and think things through until it can be talked about like adults. Most parents would be thrilled to have a child that is so determined to go to school and have a good job and do what they love. If they can't handle it, it's their own insecurities. Congratulations on standing up for yourself!