[lynn P.]

Some of you may know my MIL passed away a few days ago. I feel guilty speaking about a recently deceased person, but I can't hold it in. My husband had many family feuds with his family and it was always about money. When our business was doing well his mother always felt entitled to our money and if she didn't get it - she would make his other siblings turn against him. He was alienated for the last 2 yrs and she passed without having contact. I asked him 2 months ago if he would be okay if this happened and he said he could handle it. It turns out her death wish was to forbid my husband and another son from attending her funeral. His one brother didn't listen and went anyway, but my husband didn't and niether did we. He claims this fact, doesn't bother him too much because the BOND was broken a long time a go. He feels her wish was for everyone who comes to her funeral, would know there's something drastically srong between her and my husband - so he wanted to let her have that wish.

Now the second part of this dilema. My SIL was very close to my girls from the ages 4-8 - they're 8 and 12 now. She went against her mothers wishes and would visit us and showered my girls with gifts and 'love'. I put this is quotation because I now don't feel it was sincere. So this was 4 yrs ago and all of a sudden she completely stopped calling and coming over. My girls used to cry from missing her and couldn't understand why she stopped seeing them. I couldn't call because I grew conditioned to their family problems and learned to stay out of it. So I've been wondering all these years why she just stopped COLD.

So my husband went to visit her yesterday and he said "she stopped visiting because it was making her mother UNHAPPY." She(SIL) is a 50 yr old woman with a mind of her own. I'm sensing now that my MIL has passed, that my SIL is going to try to, simply waltz back into my girls life, like nothing happened and expect it to be the same. The problem is I'm SO DONE with them, especially since the problem with my own marriage - I feel COMPLETELY detached and have zero interest in seeing them. I truly felt she loved my kids and when she dropped them, I was very hurt beyond any repair because my girls were hurting. Now I'm afraid my husband will get coerced by her(them) to come back into my life and my girls. I told him I have no interest in seeing her or forgiving - but I fear he won't respect my wishes since he's vulnerable. Sorry for the length of this post - I feel I could write a book.

[Typo]

(((((LynnP))))

I don't have much advice, just wanted to give you a hug and let you know I"m here for you.


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[AAAAA]

(((Lynn))) It is shocking how many middle aged adults are still under their parents’ thumb. Most of us are “guilty” of it to some degree. I know I made many choices in my adult life out of concern for my parent’s reaction.

I’d have an honest conversation with your SIL if/when she decides to come back into your life. I’d let her know that her abrupt abandonment of your children hurt them and you’re not comfortable with someone that shows so little concern for their well being.

Have you let your husband know that although this type of behavior is common in his family, you don’t want your children to grow up this way?

Just curious, have you asked the girls how they would feel about seeing the SIL?

[perpetuallysad]

Lynn I am sorry you are going through all of this. Its amazing how petty and vindictive some people can be at the cost of children! I can see why you wouldn't want her to have the chance to hurt your girls again. I have to agree that if she loved them in the first place, she wouldn't have stopped seeing them so abruptly and certainly not because "her mommy" didn't like it! I can see where TheByz is coming from about asking the girls, but then again, I know that kids really work from their hearts on stuff and would likely make the choice that would end up causing them pain again. So, I guess I have absolutely no advice, but I do want you to know you have my support. You are their mother and it is ok for you to limit them seeing someone who hurt them so much, especially for selfish reasons.

How likely is your husband to do what you want on this? I know you have talked to him, but perhaps you could explain that while you don't care if HE has a relationship with the SIL that you would rather not let her see your girls again?

[lynn P.]

Originally Posted by AAAAA

(((Lynn))) It is shocking how many middle aged adults are still under their parents’ thumb. Most of us are “guilty” of it to some degree. I know I made many choices in my adult life out of concern for my parent’s reaction.

I’d have an honest conversation with your SIL if/when she decides to come back into your life. I’d let her know that her abrupt abandonment of your children hurt them and you’re not comfortable with someone that shows so little concern for their well being.

Have you let your husband know that although this type of behavior is common in his family, you don’t want your children to grow up this way?

I'm embarassed to admit this, but the only sincere contact my kids have with any relative on mine and is side, is with my oldest brother - but they don't see him often because he lives on the other side of Canada.

Have you let your husband know that although this type of behavior is common in his family, you don’t want your children to grow up this way?[/quote] This is what I'm struggling with now. His family is extremely disfunctional. If I keep my girls away from her - she's the only one who showed any interest in them - then my girls won't have any contact with his family. So I'm faced with the dilema of - is it better to keep them alienated or let them get sucked back into that false love. This SIL has also had money fights with my husband before too. I know AAAAA you're aware of my extremely unusual marriage problem. This alienation with my SIL happened the same time as my marriage problem. Something happened to me psychologically where I became very cynical and right now I feel extreme dislike for all of them. Normally I'm a fair and reasonable person but there's this dark side that feels very angry and I don't know how I can see any of them. I'm not a phony person- if I like you, you know it and it I don't like you - it's written all over my face. It it turns out she wants to come and visit - how do I put my feelings aside for the sake of my kids. My girls are also not feeling good about her either because they felt hurt by all of this. I already have to contain my feelings for my kids sake in relation to my husband - I sometimes don't even feel it's right to call him my husband because of what happend. We're really just in the 'business' of raising our children. This is such a MESS and I can feel the anger oozing out of me and I'm disappointed in myself.

[lynn P.]

Originally Posted by TheByzantine

Just curious, have you asked the girls how they would feel about seeing the SIL?

Even though I'm angry, I'm still a fair person. I will ask them at the appropriate time. I can predict my youngest(8) will gladly welcome her back but I suspect my 12 yr old will be more cynical - she has a mind of her own and doesn't tolerate people disrespecting her.

[AAAAA]

Lynn, the only thing I can recommend is be as honest with your kids as their age permits and use your best judgement. My father’s older sister is a compulsive liar. She’s been that way her whole life. She’d lie about big things, little things, it just didn’t matter.

I’ve always been a bit gullible, my parents didn’t want me to have any contact with this woman. My memories of her in person were not pleasant I must confess. There was always needless drama. She has a daughter my age, and when we were 12, my Aunt called to announce she was going to be a grandmother. This turned out to be true and we somehow became pen pals (she knew full well my parents did not approve).

Oh the stories she told me. At the time I was so angry with my parents. I felt they were being unfair to her. She was manipulating me. Just because someone is family, doesn’t mean they’re healthy to be around. You know YOU have your daughter's best interests at heart, stand your ground.

lynn,

i'm sorry for the difficult situation you are in.

Originally Posted by AAAAA

I’d have an honest conversation with your SIL if/when she decides to come back into your life. I’d let her know that her abrupt abandonment of your children hurt them and you’re not comfortable with someone that shows so little concern for their well being.

i think this is really good advice and i'd tell her she needs to explain to your daughters why she left and apologize to them. if it doesn't seem clear to you that she won't bail again then i wouldn't give her a second chance, but if she's sincerely sorry then it might be good for your daughters.

[lynn P.]

Thank you ((AAAAA)) and ((bloom3) for your caring words and wisdom. I spoke with both girls at dinner tonight, their father wasn't there. I told them the whole story about why their aunt stopped visiting them or calling - I made a point of sticking to the facts and not being emotional. I told them she expressed an interest in coming to see them. I thought the youngest would jump and say yay - but she was the 1st to say "no I don't want to see her" and then the oldest said "I don't either". If things ever change and she does come I will take the advice from you AAAAA and speak with her 1st and then have her explain and apologize to them.

I think what hurt me the most is, they idolized her and used to get so excited when she came and all of a sudden - nothing!! Off and on they would ask me, "why doesn't she ever come - doesn't she love us anymore"? I don't want them to experience that feeling of - if you do what we want, you're in with the family and if you don't you're an outcast. There's so much phoniness in his family and I never feel I can trust them.

[AAAAA]

I think one of the hardest things about being a parent is attempting to explain the unexplainable. Kids see things in black and white, right and wrong. How can you possibly explain such a heartless act to them? How do you reassure them that it really has nothing to do with them?

Good luck to you my friend. You’re an excellent mother with a good head on her shoulders. Your daughters are fortunate to have you as your mother.

[lynn P.]

Thanks AAAAA that really made me feel good. I've been feeling kinda low lately and your words lifted me up.

[lynn09]

(((((lynn P.))))) I was never able to have children, but I still can imagine how angry I would be in your situation with your SIL. The bottom line is that your SIL betrayed your and your innocent little daughters' trust - and mutual respect and trust are the foundation of any healthy relationship. Such betrayal is not something that can be overlooked or rectified with an apology and explanation because there just is no justification for your SIL doing that knowing full well that it would inflict so much hurt - you don't do something like that to someone you profess to love - and if she didn't know or didn't care that her actions would do such harm, then she's likely to be just as emotionally abusive towards you and your children again when it serves her interests.

Further, what she did could damage the trust your daughters have placed in you since they rely upon you as their mother to protect them. I understand that you want them to have some connection to their extended family, but toxic people are toxic whether related to you or not - and your SIL has proven that she is not worthy of your or your daughters' trust. I know it's a tough situation and exercising diplomacy in family relations is necessary at times, but your first priority as a parent is to act in the best interest of your children and to teach them to respect themselves enough to protect themselves from such abusers. You know that you're a good mom, Lynn, and you will do what your heart tells you is right and is in the best interest of your daughters.lynn09