I'm sleeping with someone else's wife

Met this lady. she's 39. im 29. slept with her for two months already. like today, weekend, she will not be able to accompany me. i feel really down. lonely. sitting alone here typing in this forum. every weekend this happens. im going crazy. she says to give her some time to divorce. i just gotta hold on.

Soprano,
A situation like this is often hard on the other man or woman, as well as the spouse who is being cheated on, and sometimes it is also difficult for the spouse who is doing the cheating. I feel sorry for everyone who is hurting in a situation like this. Since you want her to divorce and say you are going crazy because you don't see her on weekends, it sounds to me like you have emotional feelings for this woman, and that it isn't just about physical relations. If that is the case, I would advise, if you can, guard your heart for now. Some married people do get divorced for the other person in an extramarital affair, but many do not, even though many who stay with their spouse continue for years to promise the other man or woman that they will leave in time. I am not saying she won't leave- I am saying that you should be aware there is a very real possibility that she will stay with her spouse. If you are too open to letting her in emotionally now, and if you also agree to wait, you might be waiting and growing closer over a period of time, just to discover she isn't leaving. I know it sucks to be lonely or to not be able to be with the person you love. I hope this works out the best it can for all three parties.

I wish I could be more understanding but I'm a wife who's been cheated on. The pain her husband would feel, is far worse than you or your lover's pain. I do wish you good luck though and I have a feeling she won't be getting a divorce soon. I hope you find a single woman who can devote more time to you - which is what you deserve. I apologize for not being more supportive.

You deserve soooooo much more. Stick with us. We care about you and are not afraid to tell you how wonderful and valuable you are though you may not be able to see it right now!!!

I am sorry that you were cheated on, Lynn. However, I don't think anyone can make that kind of judgment, since we have no idea what kind of marriage this woman has (although she might have indicated more information to Soprano than we are privy to here). There are so many scenarios that we cannot even fathom what kind of reaction her husband might have. Plus, he could even be having his own affair, for all we know. Also, I don't think it is fair to try and quantify someone else's pain...we can't guess who is feeling "worse pain," since pain can't be measured.

With that being said, Soprano, I agree with Locust. Do watch out for your heart and try to communicate as well as you can with this lady so that you can stay informed. Trust your judgment, and take care of yourself. You do deserve someone who can give you their whole heart.

[quote=tractionbeam0610;1330446]I am sorry that you were cheated on, Lynn. However, I don't think anyone can make that kind of judgment, since we have no idea what kind of marriage this woman has (although she might have indicated more information to Soprano than we are privy to here). There are so many scenarios that we cannot even fathom what kind of reaction her husband might have. Plus, he could even be having his own affair, for all we know. Also, I don't think it is fair to try and quantify someone else's pain...we can't guess who is feeling "worse pain," since pain can't be measured. I accept your criticism , as this post triggered deep emotions. But I'm a firm believer in fidelity under all circumstances and don't condone cheating under any circumstances and I wish everyone thought the same way. If the spouse who's being cheated on, deserves to cheat, then I guess I have the green light to cheat too I also apologized for not being supportive, as I usually would - but I think it's good for people to understand the other side of the coin. IMO the person who's cheated on, typically feels more pain.

With that being said, Soprano, I agree with Locust. Do watch out for your heart and try to communicate as well as you can with this lady so that you can stay informed. Trust your judgment, and take care of yourself. You do deserve someone who can give you their whole heart.

Thanks everyone. I appreciate your replies and support. I really do.
If you all wouldn't mind, I would like to share abit more.
She has been married for 5 years and has always been faithful to her husband. Her husband cheated on her last year and as a result, her love for her husband has faded. And then she met me. Our love blossomed and since then she had lost all even the remaining feelings she had for her husband. She doesn't even let her husband touch her now. We hang out until the wee hours everyday. She said to me "Trust me pls, give me some time to settle this, I want to be with him and I will divorce him".

I'm a sensitive person I admit. I need someone to be with me and give me assurance 24/7. Even if one day slipped, just like today, I feel totally lost. I mean we're human after all eh...

To complicate things further, she's a foreign national (China) married to a Malaysian national in Malaysia. Im a Malaysian. Which means, if she's getting a divorce, she will be deported (but that's not an issue, cause I will marry her. But the divorce process, marriage tribunal to reconcile, if the husband decide to contest the divorce (which he 99.9% would), takes years and is just too crazy to go through. But I'm willing. The thing is sometimes when she's with her husband she wouldnt call me at all. Call me sensitive, I can't help but wonder if she has decided to go back to her husband.

OMG, how did I ever end up so badly...

If it works out between you two, will it be ok if she does to you what she's doing to her husband right now?

Hello soprano and welcome to PC, I’m sure you’ll find the site full of support and helpful information.

I know absolutely nothing about you, this woman you’re in a relationship with or her husband, but I am absolutely certain of three things.

1) This woman is in the driver’s seat. She’s not gambling a thing really. She has her husband and you waiting for her when she wants to spend time with you. Her husband is sharing his wife, whether he knows it or not. You are sacrificing your own happiness waiting for her to make a decision to fish or cut bait.
2) There is a natural order to things. I’ve heard every single excuse under the sun. This woman made a commitment to her husband, what makes you think that she’ll honor a commitment to you? My favorite Aunt always says “if he cheats on her with you, he’ll cheat on you.” I speak not from a moral stand point, but a logical one. You have to wash the walls before you can repaint or the paint won’t stick. How can you start a new healthy relationship with the muck from the last one is still there?
3) You DESERVE someone that considers YOUR feelings too. Someone that respects you and your relationship enough to make a firm commitment to you.

I’m not passing judgment on this woman in any way, I’m sure her life is very complicated. But she’s acting very selfish, she’s hurting two men.

Man to man, grow up. You are committing adultery and causing your own pain. Are there no single women in your area? where are your morals and values? if she is cheating on her husband with you, what makes you think she wont do it to you. I'm sorry and I know this is harsh, but where the hell are peoples morals these days.

My wife cheated on me and not only hurt me, but our kids in the process. Having an affair is one of the most selfish acts one can do. I am sorry but you wont get any sympathy from me. Find a woman who is not married and find out why you would allow yourself to shack up with a married woman.

This malaise is self-inflicted.

I chose to believe that she is stuck in a situation she can't get out of. She wants to be with me but her husband won't divorce her. It is not until her husband cheated on her that now she wants to leave her husband.

You can rationalize all you want. A person of integrity would not be doing what you are. At some point you will learn that those who cheat may very well cheat on you. Of course, since the sanctity of marriage means nothing to you, you will simply move on to target another conquest.

I had a similar experience. After my divorce, I found that my previously strong feelings for the man I was cheating with - just disappeared. I. e. with the right prospective, i.e. with the marriage and excitement of cheating gone, I found that the forbidden love was also gone, and my husband had moved on. Much of what you might feel might be the excitement of something forbidden. You might want to move on until after the prospective "divorce" is well over. My affair ended very abruptly following my divorce, when "forbidden" was no longer in the picture and I could see the new man for what he was. Now I would given anything for that ruined marriage back. Try to see your woman for what see is, not what she could be if your "dreams" came true. You are missing the harsh realities. Concentrate on what she really is. Look for someone single. Gettting what you want now probably won't be worth the price later, and regret is awful to live with. Best ~

Not sure what you are looking for here, someone to tell you that her cheating on her husband is ok, and you sleeping with a married woman is acceptable? If you really see nothing wrong with what you both are doing, both of you should go to couples therapy and explain to an unbiased person how this is going to work without destroying 3 lives. Let us know how it goes. Good luck.

Not matter the situation I can't agree with cheating on someones partner.. Think about the consequences... and the fact that others are being hurt.
This post brought up horrid feelings and memories in me which in turn made me feel the drakness again... which is why I haven't posted until now.
We are hear to listen and offer advice but as envision says perhaps you should talk with a therapist about how it is going to work without destroying 3 lives.
Good luck with the decision that you make.

i have to agree with the last couple of posts. what you and she are doing is wrong. just because her husband cheated it doesn't make it right for her to cheat. really, there is no excuse for either of you doing this.

Soprano - if you think your lover is stuck you should know me. I live with my husband for 3 and a half yrs now since I found out. I stopped sleeping with him the moment I found out. I'm with him for financial reasons and for the kids for now. I've tried to tell him to go to her but he doesn't want to. I know we'll NEVER be together sexually again, but I haven't cheated just because he has - two wrongs don't make a right. Cheating is a choice and any pain you/she feels is because you both made a choice. I wasn't given a choice and my life crashed into a million pieces. I almost packed my bags and was going to go to a woman's shelter but I'm glad I didn't because it would have made her happy. She kept asking "what's she gonna do"?? The next morning when I woke up, I felt like a cement block was on my BACK. I could barely function and I know what the bathroom floor looks like in detail because I've laid on it and spent too long in the shower to hide my crying from my girls. So no one can tell me that my pain isn't worse than their pain. I didn't make the choices to cause my pain.

In addition you can't believe everything your lover tells you- naturally she'll make herself sympathetic to you. If she isn't close to her husband then why can't she see you on weekends? I honestly think it should be allowed to sue the lover.

Gotta tell ya I'm unfairly biased about cheating. I think if she does it on her husband she can do it on you. Its an unhealthy relationshipp which is bringing you anguish. Gosh she has 2 men at her beck and call, I wouldn't be feeling very good about that. I would rather be alone, but thats my lonely opinion.

Agree with Lorna. Will your thoughts always be.. well she did it to her husband to be with me... will she do it to me later down teh track..
I couldn't be with a cheater.. thinking that it's exactly what would happen eventually no to mention that huge amount of emotional pain that all if this is going to cause.
Two wrongs don't make a right.

I've been cheated on, and it was the worst time of my life. The affair lasted 2 years and I knew about it from the start. I was hurt and confused and completely lost. I couldn't figure out if I should stay, leave or make him leave. It took five years before I could really put it behind me.

The affair was also very difficult on my husband and his lover. She divorced her husband immediately and expected my H to do the same. When he found he couldn't do that, he lied to both of us to keep things going, even though it eventually made him miserable too.

Its not sex, its companionship you want. You can't get companionship from someone who's only half there. Until your girlfriend actually splits, you will both be miserable.

Like others here, I would recommend you stop seeing her. You deserve more than a half a person to love. You have gotten into a very complicated place fraught with pain and suffering. Extracting yourself from this now will likely save you more pain down the road.

Sorry you find yourself in this spot.

My sister is cheating on her husband of 9 years. She fell for his "friend", who is seperated from his wife. This affair has been going on since September. The only thing her husband knows is that they kissed. He thinks that's all that happened between them. Well, they fell in love and have been messing around for 6 months now.
My sister and her husband do not sleep together anymore in the same bed, nor are they romantic with one another. They both gave counseling a shot to save the marriage. My sister now is 100% sure she wants this other guy, but her husband won't let her go. He is fighting for their marrige. She says it's over, but she cannot muster up the strenght to say the word "divorce". So, he's still holding on.
My sister wants this other man, but I wonder if she will ever leave her husband? She wants to, but will she actually do it? She hates to hurt her husband.
So although this woman may truly love you, you never can tell what is going on in her head. I hope it all goes well for you.

JMO...If your at the point where you want to be with someone else...well...leave the marriage first and go be with that someone else.....Marriage is sacred and if one partner is done then have the balls to admit that and leave. There is no excuse for infidelity no matter how bad the marriage is. The honorable thing to do is leave the marriage and then pursue what will make you happy. Just my experience....

Soprano – since you asked if you should play hard to get, I’ll give you my opinion. I make no judgments of you or this woman we’re all human and make mistakes.

I don’t know any of you, but based upon my life experience, I don’t think there’s anything you can do to make her act. Right now, as I said, she’s in the driver’s seat. If you do not continue to give her what she wants, she’ll find someone else. The way I see it you only have two options. 1) You accept this relationship as it is and expect no more than she’s willing to give you. The relationship is unhealthy and unbalanced in many ways. 2) You can move on.

Do you continue to make excuses for her behavior? Very often we give people credit for having virtues we wished they had rather than what they do have.

The latest research continues to show the world is populated with many predators, profligates and philanderers. One recent article discussed how single women who are disappointed in the unavailability of single men that meet their standards are now making a game of trying to seduce married men. They like the challenge and the lack of commitment.