[trying to]

Hi,
I dont know how /what to do. My husband was on the comp the other night and was looking for friends on facebook from his emails and i notice one, he had a email he was entering in and i remember see that name before he used on a password. I asked How many email accounts does he have he said 1 (thats one i know). I said i've seen the top one before as one of your passwords, he shrugged his shoulders, i said its yours isnt it, he said yes.
Now he has lied and was hidding another email account ,here is his background, i've seen him online on pornsites and a sexual dating site he says just looking around,i believed him. But now after lieing to me about having another email account, am i just reading to much in to this or what.

Hello, trying to. Your profile says he wants an open marriage. He does not seem to be concerned about your feelings. Who knows?

[trying to]

I know he doesnt seem to care,but he seems to put the blame on me some how, and yes he does want an open marriage, i dont. we been married for 20yrs and it has changed in the last 4-5years with the porn and open marriage thing.
I told him i think something is going on when i seen the email account, all he could do is say noppe there isnt and if you think so he said "get out then if you think so' and hasnt said anything about it since and woke up this morning as if nothing happened.

[Belle1979]

Hugs for you.
No one really should speak to you or treat you that way. Have you considered leaving if an open marriage is not what you want?

[trying to]

no i have never thought of leaving, i do love him and have a daughter with him. beside i have no where to go and no job right now so i would have no money.
so what do you think,do you think he is hiding some type of unfaithfulness with this email account he had with out my knowledge and then lied said he onlly has 1 account the one i knew about.
I have never known him to hide or lie to me before, i always thought we told each other everything, now i wonder

Anything I say would be speculative, and totally unreliable.

[jenkins09]

Trying to,

Your in a tough position. Can I ask you a question? why would you stay in a MARRIAGE (one man, one woman) when your husband doesn't want that?

What message will that send to your daughter? I don't know what your husband does, but if you did decide to leave you would be compensated somehow by the courts.

It seems to me that what he is doing is pretty abusive and self-serving. I have always said that those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. If he wasn't doing anything wrong why lie? I would snoop and see what you can find out.

I wish you well and remember to love yourself and know you are worthy of dignity and respect by your spouse.

[Belle1979]

Trying to,

I always thought that my ex had told me everything... then after the break up I realised that he had told me very little... To prove to me he was faithful when we were actually together he provided me with bank statements, phones bills etc.. but no matter thow much 'proof' he gave me, now when I look back there are many unanswered questions about when his relationship started with his new woman.. I will always doubt him for that and it hurts to think of being lied too by someone who holds your trust.
I don't have answers to what you want - it's up to you if you want to snoop and see what happens - but if he is hiding something from you would you leave? and if not then what is the point of finding out?

[trying to]

Thanks everyone for the advice,I'm gonna have to really think what to do. I never really thought of it as abusive,or self serving.
I was hoping when he suggested the open marriage thing it was just a faze(sp?) him being 47. I dont have a problem if its just a fantasy but if he did/has is another thing. sure i have that fantasy to once in awhile but its only a fantasy in my head. I would like to see whats on the hiden account but have no idea how to.
But again thanks for any and all advice.

[Hopeful78]

trying to, I tend to agree with TheByzantine that he doesn't seem to care about your feelings. How could he be more indifferent in his statement for you to get out if that's what you thought? Is he willing to communicate with you at all?

[salukigirl]

I think if he was open about wanting an open marriage then there isn't really anything you can complain about. If you both went into this marriage thinking the other would change then it falls on both sides. I think you both need to talk about whether the other side is something you could be okay with. If he just can't bring himself to be in a monogamous marriage and you can't bring yourself to be in an open marriage, then there isn't really anything WRONG with either of you. Just 2 different viewpoints on an extremely important subject. If you can't come to a common ground then it might be time to go your separate ways.....

I rather doubt the marriage vows had a contingency which allows the unilateral addition of an addendum which provides unless later on I decide I would like to fool around if I get the urge.

[lynn P.]

((Trying To)) I'm sorry you're in this position. I know how you feel. I sometimes wonder what the real percentage of spouses cheating? Why get married it they don't want to be exclusive. It's so annoying to me.

Byz - yes you're right - I can see it now at the alter. "I take theee in sickness and in health........but if I get bored, I'm free to cheat." lol

[Slothrop]

Multiple email accounts is no biggie...sometimes it's easier to avoid spam that way...but the LYING about it (or trying to get away with lying) is a red flag.

I don't know you, don't really know your situation, but to me it doesn't sound like he's got your best interests in mind.

[Envision]

What sparked his interest in an open marriage 4 years ago? How did you respond then? If it was just a fantasy thing or you two wanted to explore something, thats one thing. However an open marriage is a radical change from 16 years of a traditional marriage if thats what you had before. His actions now seem to be inline with his want for a no rules open relationship. I think that needs to be your main concern rather than the email accounts.

[Perna]

I have maybe 10 email accounts and two private websites. I can't imagine my husband caring or my caring if he has more accounts than I know of; that sounds like the least of what worries you?

[jenkins09]

Originally Posted by trying to

I know he doesnt seem to care,but he seems to put the blame on me some how, and yes he does want an open marriage, i dont. we been married for 20yrs and it has changed in the last 4-5years with the porn and open marriage thing.
I told him i think something is going on when i seen the email account, all he could do is say noppe there isnt and if you think so he said "get out then if you think so' and hasnt said anything about it since and woke up this morning as if nothing happened.

This is a control tactic used by a lot of people. He knows your weaknesses and he is exploiting them to the fullest. Are you afraid to be alone? are you co-dependant? I ask these things becasue someone with healthy self-esteem would not put up with an open marriage if they didnt want it.

I can understand that your insecure about the e-mail accounts. He is clearly being deceptive and not showing any compassion towards you. I know being in these relationships are hard, and leaving is even harder. He will only treat you the way you allow him to.

If you can afford to see a T do it. Talk about your feelings and get some help, work on your self-esteem and dont accept this type of abuse.

[garden]

Trying to. I'm in agreement with Hopeful78 and Byzantine. What I see in your post is that your husband KNOWS you will always be there ... so he is indulging. His behavior is nothing you can change. But, what can you make positive for you at this time, in the next week, in the next two weeks, etc?

Take care of yourself, trying to.