Can you learn to fall in love with someone

I dated this guy for about 2 years and recently broke up because I was confused. I divorced over six years ago (I married young) and ended a relationship to a man I was totally smitten about over 3 1/2 years ago. I met the "nice guy". Everyone else prior to that was somewhat of a bad boy. The nice guy was great! He treated me like a princess, was cute, didn't have any major hang ups and accepted me for who I was 100%. I have never met anyone like him in my entire life. I never felt the spark the butterflies...nothing. I felt a sense comfort, belonging and slow evolving feeling I can not point my finger on. I could do no harm in the eyes of "Mr. Nice Guy"...I was perfect in every which (to him) that you can imagine. He even put up with my confusion and brushed it off, he believed I was falling in love with him slowly and I am not too sure if he was right or not.

He didn't play games, was predictible, cooked and he liked my two kids. He too had two kids, but had visitation rights. He was great dad. Okay what bothered me the most about Mr. Nice Guy, I HATED his wrinkles! He was in his late 30's and he had wrinkles like someone much older only he didn't look it (he was cute). I also hated that he was skinny, but he has gained some weight since. He was skinny since he was a child. I know it sounds superficial, but I can't help it. Our intimate moments were good...no problems in that department, BUT I can't shake this feeling that I may not be "IN" love with him! It drove me so crazy that I ended the relationship. I wasn't bored of him or anything like that. We had fun when we were together. I am just so haunted of stories from my relatives/friends of people who have married someone who was a "good man" only to be miserable because they weren't "in" love with him...

Can you really fall "IN" love with someone?

What does being "IN" love mean to you? Raging hormones? Or something more? What is the more for you?

The art of love... is largely the art of persistence. ~Albert Ellis

I wonder if there's is even a definition for love -to me it means different things to different people - so subjective. I do think many people mistake lust for love and perhaps that's why there's such a high divorce rate. The guy you describe sounds very nice.

I think you were not just into him! That's it....just don't beat up yourself over this....it's okay....I think you need the physical attractions as well....
When I was younger, I used to give more time to THE NICE GUYs....but I don't do that anymore....I know if I'm not into the guy, I won't be in future too....however, some of my girlfriends are different....they said they fall in love later in their relationships.....I'm confused sometimes, not sure if they are really in love or they are just used to the partner!!!!

how are you doing, WhatisLove?

You can't chose who you fall in love with and you can't make someone love you who doesn't.

It sounds to me like his "goodness" made you nervous instead of making you feel good. Are you in therapy at all, have you discussed this with a counselor or anyone? Like TheByzantine said, it matters what being "in love" means to you; other people's ideas and definitions don't have any bearing.

You basically answered your own question. You felt comfortable with him, he was nice, you had FUN. Guess what? You're describing a friend! You've had sex so that bumps it up to describing a friend with benefits.

You also don't sound like you were really physically attracted to him. Ok, he wasn't hideous but the wrinkles and weight turned you off. Everyone wants to believe that "beauty" is "on the inside" but the truth is that for most people they need to have some physical attraction there. I'm far from a superficial snob but I do the same thing with men. I had sparks with the last guy but the fact that he was balding in his 30's was a turn off for me. (well there were other issues) I guess maybe somewhere deep down I want to "grow old" with someone and not get with someone that already looks old.

Regardless of what "type" of guy it is; whether a "nice guy" or "bad boy"..the physical and emotional chemistry has to be there. In your case, it wasn't. If you were in "love" with the bad boys, could it be because you knew it wouldn't last and just enjoyed them in the moment? Was Mr. Nice Guy too hard to love because it would hurt more if he dumped you?

As for "learning to love"..I'm definitely no expert. But my opinion is that if you can't love because you have so many walls built up and are scared of love and of getting hurt..then I guess you could "learn to love" by opening up more. But in the end I think if it were real "love" then the right person would magically break down the walls anyway. Speaking for myself in general here, not saying this is you.

I have to agree....

Shangrala