[meApe]

Yesterday my wife told me that she doesn't know if she still loves me the way it used to be, before I got really depressed. I told her that I will always love her. She said she was going to think about and decided whether or not our marriage is really going to work out. I was understandable hurt. The truth is with everything, she needs to decide if she really wants to be married to me or not. I thought I should keep loving her and giving her time. Then I saw a small stuffed bear that I thought would be perfect for her, just because it looked like something she would like. When I got home she was all lovey dovey and I don't know why. She wanted to be close to me and hold me. This is before I gave her the bear. We watched a movie and she layed on me and fell asleep. This morning she has been texting me non-stop a sin, which I have been accused of. I don't know what to make of her 180. She even called me on break and talked for about half an hour about work and home. Naturally I listened and tried not give suggestions. She needed to vent and I was here to listen, but she has got me spooked. I don't want to talk to her about and get her upset, but I don't want her to be setting me up for something horrible.

[Typo]

((((((Meape))))))))

maybe she has thought over it and decided the marriage is worth saving and is reassuring you through affection and attention?

I know in my current realtionship we have had some problems in the year we have been together, a lot of indecisivness on my end, a lot of starting and stopping, because I was unstable and not sure if I wanted the relationship, now that I am more stable and secure and sure in the relationship is what I want, I have been reassuring this by being affection and sending daily texts, in my mind it's me reassuring him I'm not going to bolt or turn a 180 on him out of the blue.

Maybe this is what your wife is trying to do?

I wish y'all the best of luck

Peace and Serenity
Typo

[shezbut]

(((meApe)))

I agree with Typo. I too can relate with what your wife is doing & saying. I have done the same things myself (with my ex-hub) many times.

My personal experience is that I'm "all or nothing". A huge flaw! I could not figure out how I truly felt about my husband, because my sense of self never really developed. The result is like a child: not happy? I hate. Happy? I love. One moment to the next. The thought of not loving my ex scared the heck out of me every time it hit. I would completely panic, the thought of losing him was unbearable! To make myself feel more secure, I'd do everything I could to hold onto him. A complete 180 degree change, which confused my ex, and last a few days before mellowing out a bit. Things would become more comfortable for both of us for a while until I was struck by the intense fear of not being "in love" again. What a horrendous roller coaster ride!

Sorry if my description scares you, or doesn't sound at all familiar. If it rings a bell, I'd recommend getting help (both solo and together) from a T. Very best wishes to you and your wife!

[meApe]

I really do love her so much, but sometimes I get so scared. Over the last few weeks we have been on a lot different ups and downs. This turn around just seems like new and because I never know what to expect out of her or me, I fear it.

If she starts leading me along, and still isn't sure whether or not she loves then I might start losing hope.

A guy can only take so much. I struggle for affection, she held it back, she held it some more, then all of it all at once. Maybe all of my sin aren't enough to warrant that punishment

[Perna]

Have you discussed the situation itself (not just the feelings) and asked her when these feelings began (and why)? Reading just your one side, I think I would feel uneasy too, your wife's moods seem to be roller coasting. That's not really "normal"? Has she seen her doctor lately or does she have anything to say about why the feelings "now" or anything so you can understand where she is coming from? That's not an unreasonable desire on your part, to get some sense of why/where these feelings of hers are coming from.

She may not want to stay with you because of your depression but I don't know that you'd want to stay with someone with whacky now-I-love-you/now-I-don't expression of her feelings?

A conversation shouldn't be one-sided and none of it is about "love". It's about the marriage and working together. You may/may not love her always (you can't tell the future) but sounds like you're working on expressing your love with her. I don't see what she's doing/working on.

[meApe]

In the past, she started rubbing my feet one day. I asked her, why are you being nice to me all of the sudden. She blew up and went off about me appreciating her. I did appreciate it, but when I ask about these types of things I'm walking into a mine field.

The nicest answer she's ever given in one of these moods has been, "Can't a wife do nice things for husband?" That is the clearest answer I've ever gotten.

[Perna]

I rub my husband's feet almost daily (he stepped on a Coke bottle and severed micro-nerves in his foot as a teen, almost didn't walk again and it still causes the nerves to "jangle" and give stabbing pains 50+ years later; the only thing that helps/soothes is my rubbing) and if he were to ask "why" I would be excited to tell him how much I loved him, not get offended.

Have you two ever had couples therapy to work on better communication?

[shezbut]

Originally Posted by meApe

In the past, she started rubbing my feet one day. I asked her, why are you being nice to me all of the sudden. She blew up and went off about me appreciating her. I did appreciate it, but when I ask about these types of things I'm walking into a mine field.

Important words describing your emotions of the experiences. My husband said the same exact thing!

I sure did hate hearing it, and didn't see it his way. After lots of personal and group therapy, I can understand how he felt now.