Can a relationship survive deception and lies?

My partner and I have been in a relationship for two years. During this time she has been working on freeing herself financially from her last relationship. She is a self admitted horrible money manager. Last fall she received money that was put aside to finally get her finances in order. We talked extensively about how importnat the money was and how it should be spent. She promised financial transparency. I have repeatedly offered support and assistance and she insisted it was her problem to take care of and she would. Since then when I have asked about the progress and if the funds were still being appropriated as needed. She has repeatedly reassured me that everything was right on track and she was being very careful with it so we could finally start a life together.

This week she finally came clean that all of the money is gone and we are no closer to her being financially available to move on than we ever were. She's apologizing and asking for a second chance. I can't even look at her. She is already on her second or third chance. She had a fresh start with this money and put more effort into deceiving me for the past seven months to keep me around than she did into getting her mess cleaned up. She now says she has been struggling and I have no idea what she's been through. She was too scared to tell me, didn't want to lose me, blah, blah.

She says people make mistakes, it's no reason to "kick her to the curb". She's even pulling the guilt card ("our families are involved, our kids are involved"). None of that occurred to her when she was pissing away our future? Anyone out there care to tell me why I want to invest myself in this relationship again and help her fix this mess? My response has been that she needs to go and fix the mess. I am done hearing about what she's going to do - I need to see her actually do something about it before I can even consider whether or not there is anything left to salvage. Anyone out there care to tell me why I want to invest myself in this relationship again and help her fix this mess? Can a relationship actually recover from this kind of deception?

It will be difficult if it is possible. The likelihood of repairing the relationship will be up you the two of you but yes, if the relationship is both of your number one priority then it can be fixed.

When my wife and I first got together she worried aloud that she was too broken for our relationship to work. I told her then that all I needed from her was her best, that her best would be enough; I promised her the same. One's best is all someone can give so it has to be enough. I realize that your partner has problems with money management and apparently with honesty - was this her best?

My wife and I have both grown throughout our relationship. Our best has changed and improved. Is your partner willing to make changes or just try the same solution? Perhaps she is willing to hand over the finances to you? She has violated your trust and her responsibilities. Perhaps she deserves another chance, but you deserve her willingness to feel safe and she can't expect the same trust she once received from you until she earns it back.

I think I would ask my wife to allow me control over the finances and if she refused, if she isn't willing to trust me with that responsibility, then trust in our relationship would appear to be a one way street, and that would be unacceptable.

Well, yes it can be fixed. The question is, do you want to fix it?

This is a huge trust issue in my way of thinking. I would say that if you do decide to go forward in your relationship I would get involved in the issue more. She might not be thrilled with that but she has already shown that she can't handle it. Maybe you should stand by her and walk her through it. Not in a way like your standing over her shoulder and demanding but more in a way like your holding her hand and leading her along. This way you can keep her from straying from the path.

My hope is that doing it that way will not only accomplish the goal but end up being a trust building and relationship building thing between you two.

Also, really sit down with her and explain how this is making you feel. You probably already have done this but it is amazing how often people let communication go by the side when things aren't looking up. Of course that has the effect of making things worse than they are. So, sit her down, have a talk with her, listen to her and then explain that you want to get involved in solving this problem. She might protest but let her know how important it is for you and that it might really be what you guys need.

It is a small step in the right direction but it is a step and that is the point. It might take a while to build full trust up but you can only take it a step at a time. This seems like a good place to start.

Of course that is all up to you and how much the relationship means to you. I am assuming it is important or else I don't think you would have asked for advice.

Good luck, I hope this helps.

If that person said the sun was shining I would be compelled to go to the window to see for myself.

Same.

- Lies because she "didn't want to lose you". So obviously the next time something happens, she will LIE again out of fear for losing you.

- Plays the guilt card. Families involved, kids involved

- Clearly doesn't trust you or your relationship enough that she can't tell you "what she's been through" and again doesn't have enough faith to be honest out of fear of "losing you" and not realizing by lying she's "losing you".

-She had a fresh start with this money and put more effort into deceiving me for the past seven months to keep me around than she did into getting her mess cleaned up. - Huge red flag.

Too much.. for me. Maybe you want to stick around because you're one of those guys that feel like they can or have to be the saviour or rescuer?

How do you feel about her lying to keep you around though.... Not necessarily a red flag... it could really be that she was too frightening of losing you to actually come clean.
She did the wrong thing... that is all true and how many chances can you give her... well that's up to you.

I wish you happiness in your decision xx