[pimprenelle]

Hello everybody. Need your advice. Got into a tricky situation.
I am a confident looking girl while I am actually pretty shy.
I met a few months ago an interesting guy at a friend's working place. I talked to him thinking he would remember me. He didn't but was obviously pleased that I said hello. He showed great interest in me and asked when he would see me again. I didn't really react coz I wasn't ready for anything. A week later I met him again and he acted like a complete stranger (amnesia ?). When I said that wasn't very nice he yelled at me !!! He immediately apologized. I was too stunned to be angry and I didn't have the feeling this was really against me (more against himself).
A week later I met him by chance when I was shopping. I said hello. He ran away. Things were getting interesting (Ha! Ha!). After the holidays, he became very friendly, but still distant. OK. Beats me. In the following weeks I noticed that he knew my schedule by heart, he was smiling at me like I was a lottery win, asking very private questions, checking if I had a boyfriend, AT THE SAME TIME pushing me away like I had the plague (excuses : I am a jerk, I hate women, I have a girlfriend nobody knows about, I don't want to owe a woman anything, I am happy to be alone...). He always seems to fight with himself when I meet him. He wouldn't even have a simple drink with me, but inquires when I would like to have one. He says that he doesn't want anything from me, but asks what I want from him. I asked him to stop playing around. He realized just then that his behavior was contradictory (until then he thought he was Mother Theresa because he often listened to my problems).
Now he has started all over again. He seems to think that I am chasing him to the moon, but I don't have the feeling I am doing anything out of the usual anymore. Since our discussion I have been only friendly but whatever I say is taken as proof that I want to grab him, marry him (and make him miserable?). He doesn't need me anymore to drive himself crazy. What on earth did I activate here ? I don't like this automatic pilot but I feel helpless and I am not sure it would be good for my mental health to expect anything in this lifetime. It would be much easier if I knew he didn't care, but despite my natural distrust, I am not convinced : too many excuses, too emphatic. Last time I saw him, he was hiding in his office. Since then I have avoided the office. It is getting too stupid. I will have to go back in a month or two. What should I do ? Become angry ? indifferent ? just pretend to be all of this ? tell him to stop this once and for all ? write this, let him ponder and turn up a few weeks later?
Some friends say : FORGET IT ! HE`S A JERK!!, others say : DON'T GIVE UP, COULD BE THE RIGHT GUY, BUT THE WRONG TIME. One thing for sure. This can't go on like that. After all, he may be interested but on a superficial level. He has his kid and his buddies to keep him very busy. Why should he need me ? He's been single for years. Usually he treats women like buddies. <font color="purple"> </font> <font color="purple"> </font> <font color="purple"> </font> <font color="black"> </font>

[kimmydawn]

hi and welcome!

well, from what you said, he is a strange one indeed.

i would avoid any more chance or planned meetings with him. you need a man who knows himself, his wants, desires, what he wants in life and a mate, etc. this man doesn't sound like he knows how to act half of the time, let alone what he wants for his life.

i would move past him quickly.

kd

[pimprenelle]

Thanks. You are probably right. But I am still wondering if he could give up his hesitations or if this sounds like a hopeless situation. Has anybody been in a similar situation ?

[kimmydawn]

i think that, even if he does get over his hesitations, he's going to have you running around like a hen on a hot rock after a worm.

that's not to say it wouldn't be worth it, though. if you feel like it might be worth it, then see where it leads!

gl. let us know!

[pimprenelle]

OK I get it (love the image !) and I agree completely with you. I have decided to play dead for a while. Thanks for your advice ! If anything new happens, I will let everybody know.

[kimmydawn]

yep, i agree with you it seems he's had you running around and confused. make him decide what he wants and come after it

gl

kd

[seeker1950]

Hi, Pimprenelle,
I would avoid this man and make efforts to stop thinking about him as a prospective "date." He has sent all kinds of "red flags" your way with his behavior, he's very erratic, and sounds unstable.
I agree with Kimmy...mark him off your list and focus on other things.
Seeker

[pimprenelle]

Thanks for your advice. Red flags, yes. I agree. But green ones as well. That's the problem. Given his behavior, I am not seeing him as a potential date right now but I am not sure if I should give up the idea completely. I am not very optimistic though.
It is just hard to decide whether it's a waste of time or just a long and difficult road. We have both been single for 6 years. So actually I am choosy.
Yes, he is unstable and erratic. I am trying to decide if I should give up entirely right now or give him a last grace period to think about everything without me being around. It is hard to think clearly. I have just given up a well paid job and moved back to France. Many changes and much confusion.

[MacD]

baby, you didn't activate a thing....I truly believe that there are some ppl who can only relate to the opposite sex by "playing games"...i.e. paying attention...then drawing away.....Do Youself A Favor....Let This One Go;...He's no different w/any woman..and probably "feeds" on the ego satisfaction of "stringing you around".....You're way too honest and straightforward to be dealing w/this type of personality......(& if he makes advances again, Tell Him To "bring it back when he grows up").....Love Grace

[pimprenelle]

Yes, I will let him come and if he does, my conditions will be non negociable. Of course, I might not be available anymore when he does. I know what I expect from a relationship. I have been patient, understanding. It is not my fault if he doesn't know what he wants. My ex-boyfriend grew up over night when I left him. Too bad for him it was too late.
You are right, this one got used to playing when communicating with women (with men probably too). His only relationship, as far as I know, is with his daughter he is devoted to (that's def. a good point) and his buddies. Nothing to encourage you to grow up !
I am not sure there's much I can do anyway. Even avoiding him is difficult. I tried to schedule my meetings at his office when he wasn't working, but he turned up under some false pretense. So the best option is to let him come, tell him I am not interested in friendship or flirting (brake the routine), and if he is interested, telll him exactly what I expect (the contract if you want). Take it or leave it. That way, if it doesn't work out, I will have some closure. If it does work out, great.