[walkswithspiritbear]

Sorry that I have to post again with my last one right at the top, but I so need some help. Or vent or ??? Heck I don't even know anymore.
I am trying so hard to be happy. I have a lot of health issues that can be extremely difficult to deal with but that seems so small to me compared to having a healthy happy marriage .
I don't know exactly what I am doing wrong anymore if I am at all. I have read so much of late trying to make some sense of my life.
I have a great man in my life who I love deeply. He is not happy and is content with that. I don't understand that but I have to the realization that if he is unhappy and doesn't wish to do anything about it then who am I to butt in........ unfortunately I am his wife and his happiness is probably more important to me than my own.
He will not tell me what will make him happy. He does not know and does not even want to think of it . He says then he will end up hurting me, so he would rather not think of himself.
Am I that off base to think then that he may not want to be with me, because I have told him that is the only thing that could really hurt me. Did I do wrong to tell him that?
I thought I could be honest with him in everything, and of course, lately I have found that I can not. He jumps to conclusions and becomes so defensive. I have tried every which way to communicate with him so that defensiveness is something that would not take place, but it always seems to.
I just want to know what will make him happy and if I can help him in any way. I am not always capable of doing much but I want to do all I can for him.
We have been together for 18 years, we have no children as I can not have any of which he knew from beginning. It took him almost 10 years to decide to marry me. 10 years......... of living together and loving.
Am I worrying for nothing here? I don't know anymore.
He does not tell me the truth though he doesn't actually lie to me that I know of.
I am feeling more and more insecure as the days go by. I need to know how I can possilbly help myself deal with this Am I just whining? Am I asking way too much of him and or myself?
Is there something wrong with wanting him to be happy ?
Is there something wrong with my wanting him to be honest with me even if he feels he may hurt me?
He will say I am always right with what I say so that is how he will think . He seems to think I think what he thinks is wrong or something and its nothing like that because he does not say anything except what I say.
Oh geez please someone help me sort this all out. I have never felt so alone in my whole life or lonely. Thanks for reading and Any ideas or thoughts would be appreciated. Constructive critism is welcome even. I so need some help thank you again Linda

[Artist]

Walking, I think the two of you need to go into marriage counseling. He needs to open up to you. this may hurt but maybe he does want to leave you. Your health issues maybe getting to him. It is not your fault that you have health problems. With counseling the both of you can get this worked out. your anxiety and worry are far worse then what may really be on his mind. Takea deep breath Walking, Relax and don't let worry ruin your life. It is far better to take some action do something rather then sit and wonder and let you mind run.
Also keep posting here never mind if you think you are posting to much. We all need help and support. Post as much as you like.

[walkswithspiritbear]

Thanks Artist ! I appreciate your kind words
I would consider counseling, heck we even kind of did it though that was not what they were calling it for insurance sake. That is the problem now, my medicaid would not cover marriage counseling and he has no insurance. He does not make near enough money for us to really even consider this as an option at this time.
Also we have so much else going on (no I am not making excuses) he works 1 50 miles away so I don't see him except on weekends right now. We moved back to Wisconsin a few months ago and have been living with his aunt and he finally found a job in his field that offered more than minimum wage, tho not much more. anyhow that makes talking so much more difficult, and then we try to cram it in on the weekend. Is not working very well.
I cry all week then we argue on weekend, I don't know how much longer it will be till we have our own place I am hoping no more than a month more.
So there is all this extra stress also to deal with.
Actually his aunt is not bad but her grandkids are here and they are driving me CRAZY like right now he is trying to look over my shoulder to see what I am doing. Geez how parents are raising there kids nowadays leaves a lot to be desired in some cases.
Anyhow sorry for the long whine session here thanks for caring enought to write Linda

[SeptemberMorn]

Sounds to me that your husband has a lot to deal with. My guess would be that his "provider" status at the moment is what is getting him down the most. That is SO important for a man! Not having a job that provides for your basic needs, like insurance and a home of your own, is probably weighing heavy on his mind. Any other problem is compounded by this.

If you can talk out your problems with someone else, like here, for example, and spare him that much, it would help alot. Instead of complaining when he's home, encourage him, tell him you have faith in him.

Don't know when you told him that he's the one that could really hurt you, but if it's been during this rough time, it was a pretty heavy load to lay on him. There's no undoing it, but by encouraging him and acting "normal" when he's home, you can ease that burden.

If you possibly can, don't depend on him for your moods. I know that's a tall order, but it will be helpful for both of you.

Good luck!

[walkswithspiritbear]

Hi Sept
Actually this has been an ongoing issue for a few years. He even tried counseling and we even had a few sessions together. They never got anywhere unfortunately. My darling man has such an issue of not speaking the truth, he will talk and talk but never answer your question. The most major example he always gave to me from his sessions was that Doc had asked him what he wanted from life and how he sees himself in a few years? Everything he said had to do with me and how I might be doing healthwise, like he said he saw himself taking care of me. It was not enough for the counselor as he saw the avoidance even then, so he kept asking him the same question with always the same result. My husband as good as he is a man is not the best communicator. Whcih is what is happening now so that nothing is being taken care of really. He wont say what he wants so I cant give him any kind of help. I cant encurage what I dont know you know what I mean? I have lots of faith and I tell him all the time but I need some communication from him. He wants it all from me don't I have the so called right to expect the same from him. We cant share a life together if he won't open up to me. sorry didnt mean to go on here. Thanks for answering my post. Linda

[SeptemberMorn]

Don't worry about "going on," ok? You need to get it out. That's what we're here for is to support others.

I know what you mean about the answers you get from him. My DH is the same way. Didn't the T tell him that he needs to communicate with you? Probably didn't do any good, eh?

Your hubby, he wouldn't by chance be Scottish, would he? LOL Mine is, that's why I ask. They're so "stoic"!

[walkswithspiritbear]

Stoic!!! Oh yeah My man is Native American LOL I know what that is

[SeptemberMorn]

Oh, my!! Ok... I understand.

(thinking... thinking... ... ...) Hmmm...

Just keep talking and maybe one of us can come up with something. In the meantime...

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{SpiritBear}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} Know that you're not alone.