[RoxanneMurphy]

Just to put out there, this might be a lengthy post, but I'm not sure. So I just want to apologize ahead of time if it turns out so.

Like the title says, I just don't know where else to turn to get feed back and opinions from a wide range of people just in case my perception is just a tad warped about the scenario.

I technically cheated on my husband. It never went past a superficial emotional attachment and a simple kiss. The attachment stemmed from qualities that this person posses ed that my husband does not that I simply adore. The kiss came late on and unexpected. There was nothing more than a kiss.

The problem comes into play when my husband is holding on to the fact that he'll never know if it was simply that, just a kiss or something more. He cannot take my word on it and he wants me to take a truth serum (whatever that chemical is). I'm willing to do so, simply because it wasn't anything more than that. I just have difficult really coming to terms with the fact that he needs that in order for everything between us to start fresh, like a full second chance.

He has a history (and a big one) of being cheated on, and I understand that honesty was a big issue. I know that I broke his trust, because for a week I insisted that nothing much was going on. In reality, there really wasn't apart from the whole emotional attachment aspect. There was only one kiss, and two days after, I cut complete ties from that person.

I made a comment earlier saying that I wouldn't do the whole truth serum thing based on it's principle, and I was playing a game so I wasn't necessarily paying close attention to exactly what I was saying. Needless to say, things got heated and he called me a f*cking bi*ch and that the only reason why I wanted to stay after everything was to 'save face' so I didn't look bad, not because I actually care (because if I did care, I wouldn't have said that one comment) and that what else was I going to do, go live with my parents and be socially shunned? Not to mention that everything that I do with our daughter is seemingly insignificant because he's typically the one that gets up with her in the morning, even though I have her for a majority of the day because of his work schedule. Oh, and because I have attachment/abandonment issues, I'm an insufficent mother because I'm not properly attached to her.

Maybe it's because of my inexperience with social conventions and relationships, but I feel that it's a bit much. I can understand it, but I don't agree. Am I wrong for thinking the way that I do about the situation?

I will provide more details if needed. I just really, really need to have a better piece of mind about this from others' opinions, whether I'm right or wrong about it. Because if I'm wrong for thinking the way that I am, I will concede. I don't have a problem with that, I just need to know outside opinions. Anything is appreciated, but I would appreciate a guy's perspective more so.

Thanks.

[Rhapsody]

When we are the one that has done the wrong then it is up to us to do what the other person needs from us so they may feel comfortable again (short of drinking a truth serum)... and you probably know as well as I do that breaking a loved ones trust is a biggie.

[Yoda]

I am sorry that you are in a difficult situation. He is going to have to learn to trust you and he needs to understand that nothing more happened than it did.

Unless he is a doctor or pharmacist or nurse he would not have access to 'truth serum'. Even if he did that is not a good idea because the drug (sodium pentothal) is very powerful sedative and it sometimes is used for lethal injections/euthanasia. I don't think you want to go that route.

[seeker1950]

You mentioned: what else was I going to do, go live with my parents and be socially shunned? Not to mention that everything that I do with our daughter is seemingly insignificant because he's typically the one that gets up with her in the morning, even though I have her for a majority of the day because of his work schedule. Oh, and because I have attachment/abandonment issues, I'm an insufficent mother because I'm not properly attached to her.
I'm not sure on all the details, but I had a similar exp while I was married. I became emotionally attached to my painting teacher, and did kiss him. That was all. Actually the painting teacher detached from me, abruptly, because I could not go thru with the sexual thing. I was deeply hurt by this experience, and told my husband what had transpired. I wanted a divorce, and he told me, flat out, that if I tried to divorce him, I'd be "out on the street with nothing," and he'd keep our daughter. I wasn't working at the time, though I tried to find employment. My art background wasn't in demand, LOL. Anyway...I stayed in the marriage for 20 years, till my daughter left for college. He actually held the issue of custody over my head for the entire marriage, since she was a toddler when it began. I believed him.

It sounds as if your husband has major issues with trust. I'd have a hard time dealing with this. If you love your husband and want to work on it with him (short of taking a truth serum), I say give it more time. If, like me, you are being intimidated and bullied (as I was), start thinking about alternative choices. Keep us posted on how you are doing.
Patty

[Jenn1fer82]

Hello Rox,
It may be a simple kiss to you but you know well about what your husband have experienced in the past. you're going have to give him time and show him your sincereity that you're sorry. Now the extent of what he wants you to show him your sorry it all depends on the circumstances if its overboard or not. May I please ask you why you decided to cross the boundaries with another man. If you feel your husband isn't giving you what you need then thats another conversation that you guys must talk about. I wish you the best of luck. You're not a horrible person. In any relationship it must take two people to work it out.

RoxanneMurphy, perhaps joint counseling?

[RoxanneMurphy]

Originally Posted by Jenn1fer82

Hello Rox,
It may be a simple kiss to you but you know well about what your husband have experienced in the past. you're going have to give him time and show him your sincereity that you're sorry. Now the extent of what he wants you to show him your sorry it all depends on the circumstances if its overboard or not. May I please ask you why you decided to cross the boundaries with another man. If you feel your husband isn't giving you what you need then thats another conversation that you guys must talk about. I wish you the best of luck. You're not a horrible person. In any relationship it must take two people to work it out.

I guess a lot of it was being completely inexperienced in any sort of relationship, really. I've have a couple sexual based ones, but my husband was the first person that I actually 'dated', and the only one a well. Because of such inexperience, I've always had these romantic ideals of what I'm attracted to. He says those things are highly unrealistic. I got attached to that person because of those qualities that that other guy possessed, and his actions, that make me weak, really. It wasn't so much being attracted to the person, but those qualities that I used always thought were necessary for a 'forever' type of relationship. We have also had many conversations about what I felt was missing (i.e. those qualities and actions), but nothing ever came from it and I became more and more unhappy because of it, mainly because we have talked about it. Also, counseling never got us terribly far either.

[RoxanneMurphy]

Originally Posted by Rhapsody

When we are the one that has done the wrong then it is up to us to do what the other person needs from us so they may feel comfortable again (short of drinking a truth serum)... and you probably know as well as I do that breaking a loved ones trust is a biggie.

Funny thing is, to me, I never considered that. Honestly. I never thought, or to be more accurate understood, the impact of trust and if it's broken. The thing is with me is that I don't understand a lot of social and relationship dynamics. I mean, I'm learning as I go, but it still doesn't negate the fact that I did it to start with. I can't relate to the average person when it comes to relationships and how to handle them.

[robin620]

When I was first married my husband didn't trust me. I hadn't really done anything to deserve his distrust, but he had been cheated on in the past. Once I told him I got a call from an old bf and he didn't talk to me for a long time. He was sure I was going back with him even after I told him it was probably the last call I would ever get from the guy. I walked on eggshells for the first year of our marriage, explaining every phone call, e-mail, or innocent comment I recieved from a male. Once he acused me of flirting becuase a store clerk commented on the T-shirt I was wearing.

It took a lot of time and talking, but now he pretty much trusts me, I think. For you it will probably take longer. On the good side, you admitted to what you did and it sounds like it wasn't becuase he caught you. That may help shorten the time, but really it's up to him.

Trust is so much easier to loose than to find.