[Changeling412]

I have been in a relationship off and on for about 5 years. We have a 3 year old daughter together. He asked me to marry him and I said no because I didn't think a marriage would survive my BPD. I have trouble communicating. The main issue we argued about was that I don't talk to him. When I finally told him that I was Bipolar, he immediately got online and began reading everything he could find about it. It was like he became an overnight expert on BPD and he always wanted to talk about it and ask me questions. I get agitated and angry when he (or anyone) asks me question about my life...my family, my past, my daily routine, work. I feel closed in and overwhelmed and I'm either so angry that i'm screaming and cursing or I shut down completely and don't say a word. Even with all this, he still wants us to at least live together. I keep saying no because I do not want to expose our daughter to the constant bickering. I have always been quiet, shy, reserved...but even for me, I feel like this is not normal. I don't know how to open up to him (or anyone) and i'm not sure if I even want to. I've suggested that we see each other now only if it's related to our daughter but he's not happy with that and refuses to agree to it. I don't know what else to do.

[perpetuallysad]

I don't want to just leave your thread unanswered, so I will give this a shot...

I can understand the sensitivity to questions, sometimes I am like that too. To a large degree, I am a very private person and I don't even tell my husband everything about what's going on with me.

I haven't read any of your other posts, so I am unsure whether you are seeing a doctor, are in therapy or on meds (or any combo of those mentioned). I would guess that therapy and meds would probably help this feeling of ultra sensitivity.

Do you love this man? Guess I should have asked that first off. If you don't love him, no amount of patience from him is going to help. If you do love him, then maybe he will give you the space you need to feel comfortable with all of this.

[lynn P.]

Very good advice from Perpetuallysad. I agree, if you do love him, then try to relax and open up a little. Many partners complain their partners don't care to understand their illness, so you're lucky he's making the effort. Perhaps you could both compromise - he can ask questions and he needs to respect your boundaries when you give the signal. Best of luck.

[Vibe]

Sometimes one open, honest discussion can set the tone for the rest of a couple's' communications and make them easier. It doesn't even need to be a discussion. If you can't find a time when you feel confident enough in your abilities to talk, then an e-mail or letter can serve much the same fashion. Face to face or even verbal conversing can be difficult. Sometimes a more distant and detached form of communication can actually aid in getting the message across.

Thus, I'd try to tell him these things in one of the above fashions - if you can. Maybe even link this thread if you can't. When my boyfriend starts getting too invasive, just letting him know and setting up some more personal boundaries is often quite helpful. It helps him understand better what I'm going through and what he needs to do and not do to help. I also have to tell him that sometimes I need space to just be myself and get my emotions out without him prying. Since your guy seems like he's really trying, maybe he'd be open and acquiescent to similar requests?

I also understand where you're coming from regarding your daughter. Until you guys work out an arrangement that yields mostly comfortable interaction (and this does take work), I get how him moving in might just be overwhelming for you, as well. If you love him, then I'd probably try to work on this though and find a good place with one another, so you can all take a step which may provide added happiness. If not, then I'd find it almost more important to communicate your need for solid boundaries. I, personally, would be very, very put off by someone I didn't feel for pushing their way into the personal parts of my life.

Either way, hope it goes well for you. G'luck!

[Changeling412]

Thank you perpetuallysad for answering. I am seeing a doc for meds and have started Lamictal, Welbutrin and Seroquel, but have not yet started therapy. Having a hard time finding a therapist that takes my insurance and trying to find out how many visits per year does my insurance pay for.

Do I love him? Maybe that's part of the problem...sometimes I know I do and then there are times when i'm not so sure. I know that he holds a special place in my heart because he is the father of my child...a child I was told I would never have.

This ultra sensitivity...have you also experienced irritability, agitation and spurts of anger?

[perpetuallysad]

Absolutely. I have experienced all three of those things. I try very, very hard to control myself because its not my family's fault that I am in inner turmoil, but I do have a lot of problems with these things. I also have self-loathing that goes on at the same time.

[Changeling412]

Araya...thank you for responding. Your suggestion of using email or letter is a good one that I will try to do. I've always been better at expressing myself by writing than any verbal communication. I've let him read a few of my poems so that he can understand what I go through when i'm in my various moods and that has helped so maybe an email or letter would be effective in helping me express my limitations as well as helping him understand them. Thanks again.

[perpetuallysad]

Changeling, I just read your profile (duh, I should have done that before I responded the first time) and I understand much better now why you are reluctant to be in a relationship. I have no good advice, except to say that I truly empathize with you and can completely understand why you are unable to become too close to someone.

Good luck, Changeling412, in finding the solution that is best for you.