[electro]

I hope this is the right place to post this, I'm new.
My problem is with my relationship with my boyfriend. I'm 20, he is 22. We have been together about 9 months and have lived together for just over 7 - things started fast like that, but mostly due to circumstance.

I discovered after a few months that he had lied about certain things in his past. As time goes on, i discover more and more things that he has lied about. He told me that he lived in Canada with his fiancee for a year, and that when he proposed, it was very special for him. He was never engaged, and he has never left the country. He told me that he travelled the US and had different adventures - writing songs beside the mississippi, doing cocaine with a girl in new york.. etc. None of this was true, some made up to impress me, and others to make me jealous. He told me he had slept with many girls that he had brought home for the bar that he works in - and that I now work in too (again, circumstance, im not so clingy that i need to work beside him, things just happened that way). This man-whoring part i hoped was untrue but in fact was only exaggerated. He made up all sorts of stories - he even told me that he had bipolar disease and that after self medicating with codeine, he was miraculously rid of it. I had no knowledge of bipolar, and believed his story of codeine being able to alter brain chemistry, so it was about six months before i became aware that this is quite impossible. When confronted, it took a long time of constant arguing for him to admit that he just made it up.

His lying, when he first started to admit things, was mostly a relief. i didn't mind so much at the time. But over time, its worked on me and as I find out more and more things that are untrue, I've began to trust him less and less. Not only this, but he still lies in everyday life. Like, who he has been texting, who he met in the street, things hes done etc. And the things that he lies about, arent anything to do with cheating or anything bad - just everyday things. Like saying he met Paul and Ross in the street when he only met Paul.

Other things have shaken my trust in him, like how every song that he writes (he is a musician, as i once was) is about his ex girlfriends. The fact that he made out his past relationships were more serious than they really were, or how he avoids things and changes the subject. Instead of talking openly about ex girlfriends, he will lie and be avoidant. It seems that he is still in that stage of hating them because they arent together anymore - that way of being bitter and immature after a breakup. So it is hard for me to hear any stories about them or times when he was with them, because the whole thing is shrouded in mystery and i feel like there is something i dont know.

Its hard to explain in words all the things that he has lied about and the effect that it has on me. I feel bitter and angry all the time, I work at the same place that he used to bring women home from and it makes me sick to think of it. I don't know how to get over the bitterness and the jealousy, that I know I shouldn't feel in the first place. When it is brought up, I don't know what is lies and what isn't, and I feel the need to lash out with words to hurt him. I can't trust anything he says.

But.. we have been together a fairly long time. I feel safe with him, and the though of leaving him is distressing. He looks after me, he is sweet and caring most of the time, and we have talked about marriage. Until his lies started wearing me down, things went fabulously. And now, it feels like we have lost everything in common, I can't trust him, and to be around him just makes me angry and bitter. I don't want to leave him though, and I'm very confused. Forgive me please for not being very clear in this post, I dont know really how to portray what exactly is going on. I just need some advice, any advice. On what my next move should be, how to stay together, how to not be angry and bitter, and .. I just want to be happy.

[momindistress]

Well you said a few things that seem like in your mind you already know what you have to do. You say you can't trust him, that he lies about small things, I agree that you moved in quickly and understand it was because more than likely like me you needed a place, an you were COMFORTABLE with him. Here are my thoughts, your 20 yrs old baby girl you have no kids I assume.. And you seem to stay with this guy not out of love but because you feel safe. You have a home, food, and someone to come home too. The bad thing is I think you are selling yourself short. You want him to be something I'm pretty sure you know he isn't going to be. Not because he doesn't want to but because he can't. His lying is a way to make himself feel better, more than likely he believes them himself because he is insecure an has self esteem issues. And not to be rude but I think you are insecure in yourself as well. I am too. The last thing you need to do is stay with this guy just because you have a past.. Wouldn't you like to have a better brighter future?? One with someone you trust, love, and most of all Respect as a man? You need to ask yourself this. Do I want my future to be with him and be married wondering if I had done things differently would I be happy with someone I trust, or would I still sit and have to sort thru the stories to get the truth. I may not have helped you too much here, but I hope I gave you some things to think about. Your young just starting life and trust me from my own exp. There are people in this world who will be good to you, they will be honest an be there when you need them. Take time to think about the type of person you are and the type of person you want to be. When you are serious about another person they should bring out the good things you like about yourself. Like a nice pair of Heels with a matching handbag, they just fit and work well together. Good luck to you!

[slowinmi]

First, I'd like to say welcome to PC electro and momindistress!

electro I don't think you have ever really known the person your boyfriend is. I think most of your relationship is based on lies that he has made up. His personality may also be a character that he is playing and he could change when he decides that he is ready for something new. Then you may not feel so safe.

I agree with momindistress. Feeling safe and being taken care of are not reasons to base a relationship on. They are what you do for each other when you have a solid relationship together. Good luck to you. I hope you find the answers that you are seeking.

[Gleak]

One thing that i've learned over the years is this: In a relationship - regardless of the type of relationship (friendship, sibling or romantic, etc) - if you don't have trust, you don't have anything solid to hang on to.

If he's constantly lying to you, then he's got a reason for that. Perhaps he's not liking who he is and doesn't believe that if he shows his true colors, you won't want him anymore, so he feels the need to lie?

Regardless of how you look at it, the two of you need to have a serious conversation on the topic of trust. He obviously doesn't trust you. If he did, the truth would come from him, not lies.

You don't trust him - because you've uncovered multiple lies over an extended period of time.

It WILL be a tough conversation for the both of you. Getting through lies in a relationship is very hard to do... not impossible though.

I wish you the best of luck with your situation!

So..he's a pathological liar? Someone who lies about every stupid little thing like as you said.. he'll tell you he met Paul and Ross when he only met Paul. He might not have bi-polar but he's got that mental disorder. If that's the case then the lies won't stop unless he realizes he has a problem and wants to stop or get help for it.

- 9 months isn't a long time. It might seem it because you're only 20 and even if it's the longest relationship youve been in.. 9 months isn't much..especially when you didn't know the real him until recently because it was based on lies and bs.

- You haven't listed anything you like about him that's too unique..So he treats you nice and makes you feel safe.. Those are pretty generic traits a guy can have.

- I don't see the big deal about working where he works and knowing he's brought girls home. It's a bar. That's what happens there. He's with you now and as long as you're sure he's not bringing girls home anymore..so what. Let it go.

You're not really the one that has to "change" to make this relationship work. He's the one that needs to stop lying and making up stories and games. He sounds immature..tells you about his manwhoring to make you jealous..even though you're living with him and together.. why does he want you jealous? What's he testing?

I agree. What's the problem? Why must he lie to you?

All here have given you great input--mainly, the Trust issue (Gleak)--

Once the trust is gone in a relationship------what's to love?--constantly wondering if what he says is true?--what a waste.

You sound like you are worth more than that in a relationship--

Yes, Welcome to pc electro, and momindistress!!!!!---theo

[Perna]

I would see if he will go to counseling with you to discuss this. If he will not, it would indicate to me that he did not see his behavior as a problem (and thus, would continue it). Since you can't change another person, you'd have to decide if you wanted to continue the relationship, knowing he probably will continue to lie.

The issues have been defined. I wish you the best in whatever decision you make, electro.