Should i apologize to my mum?

Hi there. I am a married 20-something woman. I am moving house in a few weeks and my family are coming up to gauteng for a couple of days to help me move (mum, day and younger sister). I have to add that I have moved house twice before in the past 3 years and so i know what is involved. Anyway, growing up, i always felt somewhat incapable in the eyes of my mum, i was shy, scatterbrained and did nothing but study... So my mum used to say things like " I dont know how you will manage on your own" and similar things. Socially, she would whisper in my ear to prompt me to speak/greet relatives - which was pretty demeaning as it implies that i was some kind of socially stunted person. I grew out of this quite well. But she continues with such promptings. Things like " Do you clean your oven" and " How can you speak to your mother in law like that" , " I hope you will be cleaning the new house before you move in" and " You must label the boxes you pack so you know which room they must go into" - i mean hello - that is SO obvious!!! I felt so stupid and incompetent - and when i tried to explain to her that i would appreciate if she had some faith in my ability to manage things - she accuses me of being angry and shouting at her. I wasnt, but in her head, any disagreement with her is " anger, irritation and annoyance" on my part. So effectively, and this is a recurring thing, she is telling me that i have no space to tell her if she has hurt or offended me. I am very frustrated as i know that what she has taken from the conversation is this " My daughter is impossible to speak to, i did not intend to hurt her, she gets upset about everything, i am not going to speak to her because she will shout at me" Now - do i apologize for this? Wouldnt i be reinforcing the rescuer role i have so often played (she was and still is abused by my alcoholic father) I got a bit irritated with her when she told me some really obvious things and i told her to stop stressing because i have it under control. Must I apologize for my irritation??? Its amazing how your parents can make you feel like useless and nothing

Personally, I would NOT apologize for asking her to respect your boundaries. You are allowed to have thoughts and feelings without her direction. It is a good, positive step for you to be able to state your boundaries to your mother. SHE may be reacting badly because she prefers the old way, but YOU are allowed to change your boundaries and tell others what the changes are and expect them to respect them.

Good for you for standing up for yourself.

I would not apologize, I would try to develop a sense of humor about your worry-wart of a mother and just not take her so "seriously".

When she says something obvious, just flash her a smile and occasionally thank her. If you "agree" with her, she has no way of continuing/being unhappy with you or your attitude.

When she says something, treat it like a checklist and mentally congratulate yourself that you have already done/thought that (and that she taught/trained you so well!). Believe me, when she is gone, you will wish she were still there bugging you and being "Mom".

I don't see any need for apology, based on what you wrote us....I am familiar with the feeling of regret why I said so so to my mum, but honesty, they need to understand that we are adult and we are responsible for our own actions and our life.....
My mum used to give me speech and advice to get married....and of course Love is not a priority in marriage....(what the heck? why I need a guy in my life then?)....she was not understanding me at all....and at top of that, she was always telling me why I don't get married with my best guy friend of 10 years.....(he's my best friend, but I think even he's gay, not sure really, I've never seen him with a girl!)....finally, I had to be blurb with her.....I told her...Mum, I'm not interested in him sexually at all....wow...Mum told me "oh...okay okay...I don't want to know anything more!"....and she never said anything about me getting married with my friend....my sisters told me I have to apologies, and they told me that was so rude....but I think Mum's opinion is rude to try to hook me up with a guy that I see as a friend and call him my brother!
so....you got to stand up on your feet and show her that you are not a little girl anymore, and you do not need her pettiness! but don't be aggressive, just tell her that these are bothering you.....and you appreciate if she stops it.....
take care
marjan

I would do exactly the same as you however.....

I would not say sorry I would phone her up and talk as if nothing has happened and if she does it again then have a go at her again ! Let her storm off and sulk or whatever she wants to do to get over it lol....

Then phone her again and act as if nothing happened.

If she gets angry with you down the phone say in a loud voice ' I am not going to say sorry as I stand by what I said now I am going I will call you later ' then put the phone down.

I would continue like this until she gets the message.

Mandatory to the Mother/daughter relationship as your daughter grows and becomes a woman is to set boundaries. Once you have established boundaries, you can become friends. "Best Friends" even.

It is difficult to get to this point, because moms' always want to "mommy" you and see you as their little baby (I speak from experience as a daughter, and now the friend of my grown 33 year old daughter), they don't want you to get hurt in life.

There is no way around it---it is part of letting go of an old relationship and beginning a new one-one that will last.

Change is inevitable; from the time you started to walk, till the time you began your life on your own, it is natural for your relationship to change. Stand your ground.
Perhaps talk to her about the fact that you are a grown woman now and do not want her to treat you as if you are not. You have your own life now, you'd like to have her in it; but as your friend, not as "mommy".

I wish you both all good things in your new relationship---------theo

KV_SA, good luck is resolving this. It takes time for a parent to realize his/her child has grown up.