[misspretty]

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 2 years. When we were first together, he wanted to marry me sooo badly. Now he says he's not even thinking about marriage. We just had a baby, we have been living together since a month after we met, and I broke down and told him how I felt (that I am truly in love with him, have always been, and my feelings just grow stronger, and that I wanted to marry him) It broke my heart to hear how he changed his mind about marrying me. Should I wait until he is ready to marry me? Or should I stop wasting my time and dump him?

[Belle1979]

If you love him, I understand you want to get married, but really is that piece of paper that important?

[Sameera]

It has only been 2 years. That seems like a long time but really it isn't. It might take several more years before he decides he is ready to watch you come down the isle.

Sure you want to be married but think about what is important. You love him, you have him with you and you two have a baby. Sure it is nice to have that final stage of commitment but considering what you have, don't mess it up. I am sure he wants to be with you, he is there after all. Getting married is a big step, even though you guys are pretty much already living the married life I can tell you from experience, getting married even when you know you want to and wouldn't want to be with any other woman on the planet is still one heck of a nervous experience. It is pretty common for people (both men and women) to change their minds several times along the way.

My advice, cherish what you have already and then just keep in mind where you want things to go. Show him that you love him, remind him why he loves you and he will come around. It might not be tomorrow or next week but it will happen.

Hello, misspretty. Most every reason posed to show marriage is not that big a deal when you are already in a good relationship may be used to support getting married. If the relationship is so good, why not get married?

Happy Mother's Day. Is the father's name on the birth certificate? Who brought what property into the relationship? Who owns the property you have acquired through your joint efforts in the ralationship? Are both of your names on any joint debt? Can he clean out joint accounts and a high-tail it? Who owns the vehicles? Do you have insurance? Who are named as beneficiaries?

In my time practicing law I seen how devastating it is if one of the live-togethers gets happy feet, takes the car and money and leaves the other destitute with a baby to feed. Do you think it cannot happen to you?

Most states recognize what is called a common law marriage after a period of time. If you do not get married, what will qualify as a common law marriage and what rights to the individuals have?

Yes, many divorces get down and dirty, but you have more rights than you do when you simply are living together.

Love is grand and everyone expects to live happily ever after. Sure!

Whatever you decide make sure you get your name on some titles and accounts and the father's name on the child's birth certificate. Learn all you can about what your current rights are and if your state recognizes common law marriages.

Frankly, your friend changing his mind makes me think he thinks he has a good thing going and an escape hatch to boot.

Good luck.

[Rhapsody]

I say stay around and wait.... you entered the family life style with out the typical marriage papers, therefore, it may take your man a while before he comes around.... you can still be a family and share your love with out a mere piece of paper from the government.

BTW - it took my bf and I three before we married after the birth of our son and now we celebrated our 24th anniversary this year.

[spider__]

Gosh, this is so difficult, especially as you now have a baby. Having been in your situation where my ex didn't want to get married (we did after a while but it was my initiative), I would be tempted to say don't ignore this feeling. He once wanted to marry you so he's not against marriage in principle. He may have other concerns on his mind now, like earning enough money to keep you and the baby cared for, but only you know whether that's the case or not. Another factor might be that a sex life often deteriorates after the birth of a baby, due to physical factors (initially) and then often sheer exhaustion, so that may make him doubt. You know what the situation is with regard to the above.

Personally, for me, the lack of desire to get married did feel like a bad sign. It ate away at my self-esteem. We got married in the end because I didn't want the children to be in an unmarried situation, but at the back of my mind I knew he hadn't asked. I do feel that the disinclination to get married in the end was a symbol of my ex's lack of commitment towards me and his lack of effort. Because I wanted marriage, I felt he was withholding something important to me. In effect, he had all the power.

There are a couple of things I'd suggest:

Drop any talk of marriage and get involved in other aspects of life away from your husband. This is a way of making it clear you are not going to chase him on the subject and that your focus is moving away from him. This takes any power out of his hands. If you are showing less interest in him he'll know something has changed. I am not suggesting you be unfaithful or anything, just that you go and busy yourself with something else and be less interested in him. This could have consequences and he might leave if he feels you are no longer paying him attention. The idea is that you don't 'sit at his feet' waiting for him to be kind enough to marry you; you've got more important things to do than sit and worship him. If your focus turns elsewhere, then he'll realise the pressure is off him and also that you are finding happiness elsewhere. It may subtly shift the balance of power.

The other thing I'd suggest (which I doubt you'll want to do with a young baby) is to leave. Tell him you are looking for a relationship with commitment and so you need to opt out of this one. I am not suggesting blackmail. You have to mean it and know that you are breaking up the marriage. This is the option I wish I'd chosen but I was too scared to take this step and didn't feel I could cope at the time. I wish I could have been stronger then though. Giving up on a relationship like this is serious business. You have to consider whether your partner's change of tone about marriage hurts you sufficiently that you will always be in a weaker position to want to take this definitive step. Sometimes self-respect matters more than papering over the cracks. Only you know how you feel.

You, and others, may wonder why I don't suggest talking to him or getting a counsellor involved and explaining your feelings to him. I tried this and I thought once he understood things would change, but they didn't. In the end, it was just humiliating and I was effectively still in the position of persuader. You should not have to persuade him. If he can't offer something so important to you voluntarily then it's only fair to question why you are staying with him.

Good luck. I do know how this feels.

[Soul Quake]

Don't dump him unless you know that your love and affection is stronger than his toward you. You can be in a committed relationship without marriage. He could have some very logical reasons for changing his mind that may have nothing to do with feeling less seriously about you. Remember your child as well. It's never good to stay in a relationship solely for a child, but you shouldn't be so rash in making such a decision when a child's best interest is at stake.

Sounds as though you two need to speak about the feelings that exist between both of you rather than marriage.

[Gabi925]

All above are great advice.
I married after two years of being together with someone with the same background, when a child appeared. He insisted to get married. I wanted the child but I was not very sure he was my best choice. His parents insisted too (what to talk about mine!) and ... he totally changed after marriage. It was a nightmare for me and children too and had to go over an ocean to stop an abusive relationship!

[misspretty]

Originally Posted by spider__

Gosh, this is so difficult, especially as you now have a baby. Having been in your situation where my ex didn't want to get married (we did after a while but it was my initiative), I would be tempted to say don't ignore this feeling. He once wanted to marry you so he's not against marriage in principle. He may have other concerns on his mind now, like earning enough money to keep you and the baby cared for, but only you know whether that's the case or not. Another factor might be that a sex life often deteriorates after the birth of a baby, due to physical factors (initially) and then often sheer exhaustion, so that may make him doubt. You know what the situation is with regard to the above.

Personally, for me, the lack of desire to get married did feel like a bad sign. It ate away at my self-esteem. We got married in the end because I didn't want the children to be in an unmarried situation, but at the back of my mind I knew he hadn't asked. I do feel that the disinclination to get married in the end was a symbol of my ex's lack of commitment towards me and his lack of effort. Because I wanted marriage, I felt he was withholding something important to me. In effect, he had all the power.

There are a couple of things I'd suggest:

Drop any talk of marriage and get involved in other aspects of life away from your husband. This is a way of making it clear you are not going to chase him on the subject and that your focus is moving away from him. This takes any power out of his hands. If you are showing less interest in him he'll know something has changed. I am not suggesting you be unfaithful or anything, just that you go and busy yourself with something else and be less interested in him. This could have consequences and he might leave if he feels you are no longer paying him attention. The idea is that you don't 'sit at his feet' waiting for him to be kind enough to marry you; you've got more important things to do than sit and worship him. If your focus turns elsewhere, then he'll realise the pressure is off him and also that you are finding happiness elsewhere. It may subtly shift the balance of power.

The other thing I'd suggest (which I doubt you'll want to do with a young baby) is to leave. Tell him you are looking for a relationship with commitment and so you need to opt out of this one. I am not suggesting blackmail. You have to mean it and know that you are breaking up the marriage. This is the option I wish I'd chosen but I was too scared to take this step and didn't feel I could cope at the time. I wish I could have been stronger then though. Giving up on a relationship like this is serious business. You have to consider whether your partner's change of tone about marriage hurts you sufficiently that you will always be in a weaker position to want to take this definitive step. Sometimes self-respect matters more than papering over the cracks. Only you know how you feel.

You, and others, may wonder why I don't suggest talking to him or getting a counsellor involved and explaining your feelings to him. I tried this and I thought once he understood things would change, but they didn't. In the end, it was just humiliating and I was effectively still in the position of persuader. You should not have to persuade him. If he can't offer something so important to you voluntarily then it's only fair to question why you are staying with him.

Good luck. I do know how this feels.

I do treat him differently since he told me he wasn't thinking about marraige, but it has only been a couple of weeks. I also feel like I don't want to marry him anymore because I feel like I begged him to marry me. It really hurts my feelings. He had asked his ex-girlfriend to marry her and he still owns the ring after 6years of them being separated. And its a ROCK! That makes me feel worse. And he asked her after they were together for 3 years...I will no longer ask him or bring up marraige for sure!

He has his own agenda and it may or may not include you and the child.

[jenkins09]

Originally Posted by TheByzantine

He has his own agenda and it may or may not include you and the child.

I agree with this. I would say his not wanting to marry you has nothing to do with you, although you cant help but take it personally. Have you two considered being engaged for a year or two?

I would offer you my two cents. Dont settle. You want to be married, and if thats what you want, you shouldnt settle for less. Have a very honest conversation with him about this, dont badger him, but let him know how you feel and ask him why he feels the way he does.

If this doesnt work, maybe seek the counsel of someone who can help you both mediate the situation.

Good luck.

[Yoda]

How is the relationship otherwise? I lived with my BF for six or seven years before he was ready to marry. I was ready before he was, I think that is typical. If the relationship is good stay with him. If not, consider counseling or leaving him. Try to focus more on the relationship than the piece of paper you get when you marry. (IMO)

[mormat]

Originally Posted by misspretty

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 2 years. When we were first together, he wanted to marry me sooo badly. Now he says he's not even thinking about marriage. We just had a baby, we have been living together since a month after we met, and I broke down and told him how I felt (that I am truly in love with him, have always been, and my feelings just grow stronger, and that I wanted to marry him) It broke my heart to hear how he changed his mind about marrying me. Should I wait until he is ready to marry me? Or should I stop wasting my time and dump him?

You had a baby with this man. If that didn't wake him up, nothing will. Getting him to marry you, is not going to change anything. If he ever wanted to leave, he would just leave you anyway. Does he love you, like you love him? If not, you need to move on before it's to late for you. Even though there are a lot of devorces, your child should not have to grow up knowing that you were not married. Besides, there is a lot of fish in the sea. Question is? Which one is the real one? I was lucky, my wife is more than I could ever hope for, even after all these years together.

Best,

Jerry

[Envision]

He originally wanted to get married soo badly as you put it, you said no. But you then decided to have a kid with him when you weren't married. Now you're angry because he doesn't want to marry you. And the question is whether you should dump him?

[misspretty]

Originally Posted by Envision

He originally wanted to get married soo badly as you put it, you said no. But you then decided to have a kid with him when you weren't married. Now you're angry because he doesn't want to marry you. And the question is whether you should dump him?

Actually, I agreed to marry him when he wanted to. It just never happened. I never said no. We decided to have a child together during the time he wanted to marry me.

[AkAngel]

Originally Posted by misspretty

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 2 years. When we were first together, he wanted to marry me sooo badly. Now he says he's not even thinking about marriage. We just had a baby, we have been living together since a month after we met, and I broke down and told him how I felt (that I am truly in love with him, have always been, and my feelings just grow stronger, and that I wanted to marry him) It broke my heart to hear how he changed his mind about marrying me. Should I wait until he is ready to marry me? Or should I stop wasting my time and dump him?

What advice would you have given him as a friend a year ago when, "he wanted to marry me sooo badly"? Should he have dumped you or wait till you were ready?

Take that advice.

[Naturefreak]

Dump him sounds kinda cruel.
How about thinking about it long and hard.