[pimprenelle]

You can really do without some friends.
For those of you who have read my post "Yes, no, maybe" you know with what I am preoccupied right now (guy who doesn't seem to know what he wants, single for 6 years, divorced for 8, daughter).
Now you would think that friends are willing to help, give advice. Wrong. My childhood friend calls me whenever she feels bad and I always try to give honest advice for her relationship troubles even though I think her boyfriend is not exactly a friend of mine. But she makes it very clear that her problems are real, mine are not. At least she HAS a relationship, while I am treated like a poor thing who doesn't want to realise that she is dreaming. OR she is in love, while I am just desperate or after sex. At the same time she makes fun at my romantic side.
Instead of analizing the situation to help me, to give me an outside look or at least to say: talk to him, she just repeats: "it's hopeless, forget it. I am just concerned that you are wasting your time!" (I could say the same to her).
I don't think she is concerned. I do think she is bored listening to me. She told me once : "You are always talking about the same topic" Of course ! I am very preoccupied by this !!! She added "Yeah, but you are obsessed !". When I told her "this obsession is called love", she seemed very surprised "Oh, so you are in love?" (she obviously thought I had a chemical imbalance).
Yesterday, after I helped her with her problem, she told me reluctantly, like she was making a great effort to please me and tell me what I wanted to hear (!), that maybe, maybe I had a tiny chance to move towards a relationship with Mr don't-know-what-I-want (5% according to her), she added that he may have found a new girlfriend now that I opened his eyes to the need he feels for a relationship (when I met him, he seemed very frustrated, yelling and complaining about everything, which makes me think that he is fed up with being alone and he seemed very interested in me but the old fears are still very strong. Since we met, he has changed. He seems relaxed with everybody). This is very cruel. Don't you think ? If at least, it was her analysis of the situation ! And she went on and on about it, saying I should hurry up, otherwise I would have a nasty surprise. She never met him. I can't help thinking that if he finds a new girlfriend he can hardly be interested in me at all. I believe my friend just wanted to hurt me. I begin to believe that she doesn't want me to get together with him. She swears it is not true. She is only trying to help, blah, blah, blah. I don't want to see her again. She thinks it is because I don't like the truth. Her truth ?
The positive thing : I wrote him a postcard he will find when he goes back to work. It is very friendly, nothing more, explaining that I appreciated his help, but that from now on I wouldn't ask him to help me for everything. That it wasn't fair to expect it even though he is very resourceful and has a great way to look at things ,and that I was a grown up girl. I told him I had found a flat and a job (indirect way of saying : I am here for good and I won't need you to rescue me every 5 minutes: right now he is afraid of being responsible for somebody, of influencing my choices, because his ex-girlfriend played the after-all-I-did-for-you game with him; she moved to be with him but couldn't find a job here, so she finally left him), that I was thrilled. I wished him happy vacation and stated interest in hearing more about his vacation. It was a friendly, but non threatening card in my opinion. I think it was the best solution for somebody who is afraid to commit, to show him that there's no hurry, come or don't, it is UP TO YOU, you are not forced into something. And not looking desperate, which could give him the feeling I would take anybody, which is definitely not true.
She just said: "Oh, why did you talk about friendship ? It is not about friendship. You are deceiving yourself" (I never occurred to her that if he is interested in more, he will protest and finally realize/admit what he wants). She has obviously forgotten that she suggested that it would be best to start with a "friendship" to cool his fears and let him move for more. She doesn't' seem to care a bit about what she says to me. When I confront her, she just says : "Oh, I don't know. I can't help you". With friends like that...

[Myzen]

Hi Pimprenelle,

Sometimes it helps to get a fresh mind to share your problems, so here goes!

Reading your post very carefully, I think that you are not getting the support you need, either from your friend, or from the guy you are involved with. This must be very lonely for you.

However, your friend might have a point? I am a guy myself and I know that a classic trick from some guys is to keep women hanging on, and they say that they are 'not ready to commit'. It's a way of keeping a woman available without having to give anything of themselves.

I think you did the right thing by letting him know that you are OK on your own and don't need him to help you.

I'm really sorry you are in this situation, and I hope that you can move on to something better. I believe that when someone really likes you there will be no doubt in your mind, it will be obvious by everything they say and do, that they like you and want you.

There is a guy out there who will buy you flowers, and look after you, and if you hang about with someone who is wrong, you may miss the right guy.

My own daughter dumped a guy, a successful film actor, because she wasn't getting the love. Now she has met a completely different guy, who really shows his love, and she is so much happier (and I am happier for her).

I would say, be strong, believe in yourself, and move on. Also, don't waste too much time sympathising with your friend's problems, think of getting your own life moving again.

Good thoughts, M

PS - I have given quite strong advice because I was once married to a woman who didn't really love me, and it was hell. My present wife loves me, and I am so glad we found each other.

[pimprenelle]

Thank you very much for your advice. Actually I am very close to giving up. I will just wait his reaction to this card and it will be either commitment or else : adieu.
He actually never said that he didn't want to commit, but I agree that it is some kind of game. I do believe he likes me. It is pretty obvious to everybody. But sure, it may not be enough and I am not willing to be waiting in the rain.
The only reason I haven't given up already is that there was progress : from running away, to coming carefully closer, to sharing his life stories with me, but he stills seems very afraid. Actually, he is trying at the same time to keep me around as you say, and to get rid of me by being nasty, saying he is nasty, looking indifferent, walking away without explanation. It can't go on. I am tired. Really tired. Maybe my independance will open his eyes, if not I will know I have not lost much.

[Myzen]

Hi P,

Yes, I felt that you already had the answers in your own post, and just needed some support to strengthen you at a difficult time.

Cheers, M

PS - I hope you'll stick around for a while here at PC. We don't often have members posting from France, and your English is so good!

[pimprenelle]

Thanks ! I love France but I also miss the USA. Had a great time in 2002 (NY city, Virginia, California, Hawai'i).
I noticed that Americans go for it much more than Europeans. I like that. Got a problem ? Solve it, you know. Analyzing is important but what is the point if you are stuck after that ?