understanding

Hello,
Anyone out there I am a 41 year old male and was wondering if having sex with your partner 3 times a month is healthy. It used to be alot more but changed over a course of time and when the topic is brought up she becomes angry.

Hello again,
I'm new in the forum and hoping that someone else has had the same situation and can advise me. I am 41 years old retired from the army in 2009 5'8 175 lbs in good health. After my 1 st divorce I met my wife in 1998 and married in 2001. Everything in the beginning of our relationship was great. There was never a problem with sex everyday and sometimes 2 and 3 times a day. I then started deploying back to back to Iraq and kept the long distance channels going. When I came back from my last deployment my wife had gained weight. It was never a problem for me and told her that I didn't have a problem with it as long as it didn't affect our relationship. The intitamacy decreased alot over the last 2 1/2 years. Down to once a week and only if I initiated it. When I ask her why she doesn't initiate it, she tells me that she doesn't think about it. I feel it's a two way street and if I'm the only one then it makes me feel that she really doesn't want to have sex. I have been doing this for 18 months at once a week. I am a very romantic type of person. I always get a suite when we go places, get her massages,give her massages, romantic dinners and try to be affectionate and understanding. But I feel whats the use of doing all of these things if it doesn't spark anything. It seems i'm taking all the initiative to receive the lowest above no sex at all. I hope someone can relate and tell me what I'm doing wrong

hello,
the title is mispelled because after trying several different passwords this one worked. Does any one have the situations that I have. Being romantic without the intimacy doesn't work for me. My wife says she doesn't know whats wrong she just doesn't think about sex. I can't see being in a little to know sex relatioship. Maybe i'm expecting too much. I do the laundry, pay the bills, giver her massages, go out to nice hotels and restaraunts, clean the house to ease most of the stress. I used to buy my wife flowers for no special reason than just because. My wife gets anything she wants. I took her to Florida for our anniversary. Is it wrong to ask for some iniative so you know your partner wants intimacy just as much as you do

Bryan

Hi understanding, and welcome to PC.

From the sound of it, this sounds more along the line that perhaps your wife is going through some personal issues. Maybe resulting because of her weight gain and she doesn't feel attractive to you, anymore?
You didn't mention her age, but it's very possible that she might be experiencing peri-menopause, which can very well explain alot of her behavior, resulting with depression.

All of these things can be a cause. It's hard to say. If you can, encourage her to get a full physical with full blood work, including thyroid. If all that checks out normal, depression can very well be the cause.
But know that you are not doing anything wrong.

I wish you and your wife well....

Shangrala

I thought that a womans sex drive increased with age and a mans decreased. Either way, three times a month isnt excessive IMO.

Will your wife consider counseling?

Hi, Understanding,

Having been married to the same woman for 40 years and been through EVERY SINGLE POSSIBLE KIND OF MESS with her, I've got a couple of comments for you.

First, the probability is that the situation with your wife will pass. Everything passes, sooner or later. Things just change, even when you're not trying to change them.

Second, we've found couples therapy very, very valuable from time to time. We have always both been dedicated to our relationship with very few thoughts of divorce (none of our parents were ever divorced and we learned a lot from them). This has meant living through difficult times when we weren't sure we could make it. But we always did. We've had times when she just didn't want sex. And she went to her family doctor about it and her own therapist about it and they finally figured out what the problem was and ultimately things went back to our good relationship as before. DO NOT GIVE UP ON YOUR WIFE until every single possible solution has been explored. And there are a LOT of possible solutions.

Most of us would really prefer lifetime relationships rather than a series of spouses. If, after a lot of work and effort, you just don't believe it's right for you, then it's time to bail. But especially if you have kids, that's going to make things worse for both you and your ex-spouse. People should only divorce as an absolutely final, ultimate, last ditch resort. No, I am not a Catholic priest, I'm not even a Catholic. I'm a professional divorce counselor and have been for twenty-two years.

Take care and keep trying!

I think your wife should have some blood work done to see if her hormones are at the right level. Have you nicely told her you would like to be together more? As Shangrala said - she might not be feeling good about her weight gain or she might be mildly depressed.

After ruling out physical reasons, I would try counseling. Explain to her - that you need to feel she desires you, just as you desire her. Of course you never want to argue or let resentment creep into the picture, since this is a sure turn off for both of you. Best of luck.

What say you understanding? how's it going?