[Shangrala]

Life is hard enough, I know. But to try to start all over again, after a long, failing marriage and without recent employment history....although suspected, it was a rude awakening for me to actually face the reality of how rough it really will be to start over.

It's been over 25 years since I worked last. I've been out of circulation for so long that I find it extremely intimidating. Despite that, I made the attempt to see what's out there for me by going to the local college to the job resource center.

I approached the woman, explaining my purpose for being there. She handed me an application to fill out. Aside from the required personal information, the first question was, "Date of last employment". My lord. It's been so long since I worked that I couldn't answer that.
I explained to her my situation. How I'm attempting to reinstate myself in the work force, but have extreme doubts about my success due to my age, the duration of unemployment, and the fact that I'm competing against all these young minds fresh out of college with earned degrees.
I mean, let's face it, most employers seeking employees more than likely favor the young grads. My odds are slim to none at finding employment that will support me and my daughter once I leave here and divorce.

I tell the woman how skeptical I am at my chances, and she tells me that, although I don't have the degrees that most have, I have "experience in living".
I can't help but to find humor in that statement.
Yes. I have "life experience". Can you imagine, though, I'm at a job interview and they ask me my experience. My answer is painfully and realistically obvious, "No. I do not have experience in the field I am applying for, but I have lived".
I'm not about to put myself through that humiliation.

Sigh.
It's no wonder that many women remain in a bad marriage simply because their options are so bleak.
I live in a very expensive area of California...(what area isn't expensive here, anymore), and to relocate is next to impossible, (tried that, already...didn't work). So, I am inclined to remain in the basic area, (cheaper in the long run). But, in order to sustain a decent life for self and daughter, I have to have an income that exceeds what minimum wage provides, otherwise we face some serious poverty, or even possible homelessness.

This so sucks. I'm like an outdated model put on the "classic" display shelf.
Still, though, I am not allowing this one slap of reality take me so far down as to force me into submission of remaining in this marriage. I so want OUT. Not "just" separated from him..but completely divorced.

How do you women do it?...Start over, that is? Am I overlooking something?
(Not even sure if this is in the correct forum...sorry if it isn't).

Thankies~

Shangrala

[seeker1950]

Hi, Shangrala..
I can somewhat identify with your situation. I actually stayed married much longer than I would have chosen (20 years) because I couldn't find employment, knew I was unemployable, and had no marketable skills. I actually went back to school while still married, knowing full well that my intention was to support myself. I don't know if this is an option for you, as going to school takes time, and it sounds like you want out now! I'm wondering if there are any programs there in your area for women such as yourself who've been out of the workforce for a long time....something to help you get on your feet financially till you are self-sufficient? I know that's a stretch, but it sounds like you are up against a wall. Is your current situation in the marriage such that you could receive alimony and child support, at least till you are more financially independent? My husband at the time told me repeatedly that he would "throw me out into the street with nothing, and keep our daughter with him." I was so browbeaten I believed him. He was mean about his money and his property. When I did finally leave, and only after our daughter had left for college, I actually let him write the divorce, sans lawyer, keeping most everything. In retrospect, I now realize I would have been due more rights, and should have gotten a lawyer for myself, but I was too timid. I did have a job by that time, and I was just glad to be able to support myself. So...in your situation, I guess a lot depends on your joint property, his income, and finding a sharp lawyer. It sounds ruthless, I know, but that may be a choice for you.

You mention living in CA, where the cost of living is so high. I envy you living there, but I know it would be hard for anyone to live comfortably there, just starting out.

I haven't been much help, but I can so identify with your dilemma.
Patty

[lynn P.]

Sorry for the briefness of my post, but I just had a cortisone injection and I'm supposed to take it easy. My 8 yr old is home today with a tummy virus(thrown up twice) and I'm starting to feel sick too. Anyhoo enough about me.

You and I have similar situations except for a few details. I'm in exactly the same position. I don't have a solution, but it doesn't mean there isn't one. Is there one of those organizations, that help women get a fresh start in your area? That's all I can think of ATM and just want to send you some hugs (((Shangrala))

shangrala, because you are in CA you would get half of everything you and your husband have. two words: community property.

[AkAngel]

I know you asked 'How do you women do it' and I'm a guy but if I may...

Don't be so quick to discount life experience. You know the value of a job. You can probably even define hard work. We come from a different generation and we are not so quick to think of a job as beneath us.

When I went to college as a non-traditional student I was intimidated but I wasn't there to party, meet friends or escape from mom and dad - I went to get an education and I'm not sure anyone in that school wanted one as badly as I did. I quickly found that though my mind wasn't as sharp as it once was, my determination and desire MORE than made up for it. It's the same with a job.

When you're at a job interview and they ask me your experience, don't answer, "No. I do not have experience in the field I am applying for, but I have lived". you look them in the eye and you tell them, "I am lacking in experience but you've never had an applicant who wanted this job more or was willing to apply herself more." I've been self-employed for many years now but I remember going and applying at jobs I wanted once upon a time and telling them, "No, I don't have the experience but I'll make a deal with you. You bring me on; let me work one week. I'll work for nothing. If you can't do that, I'll write the company a check right now for my first weeks wages. If you don't think I'm the hardest working employee you've ever had after that - tell me and you won't have to fire me and pay unemployment, I'll quit....and I'll put that in writing." No one ever took me up on that by the way - but I meant it, they knew it, and I got a lot of jobs that way.

Look, I've read alot of your posts here on pc, you are smart, you have common sense and you're personable. You can do this. I don't tell people things just to make them feel good - and hollow cheerleading isn't my style, I truly believe you can do this.

[marjan]

my dear shangrala.....I think that lady told you a very true statement....I'm not sure what types of job you are looking for, but honesty I prefer to work with a mature, wise coworker and train her rather than working with an mature, young person who is not responsible and tries her/his best to get around with the responsibilities....yes...that's true....companies are looking for a responsible person....

Again, I'm not sure what type of jobs you are looking for, it all depends, but please try to push all these negative thoughts away from your head....
I know you enough to say how smart and mature you are....

Your last day of your unemployment is your last day of being a house wife!

And yes, California is very expensive....argggg

By the way....don't forget to look in the craigslist.com for job....I found my last two jobs on craigslist....Let me know if you need any help in terms of job searching....I'm good at it....I can help you with your resume writing too....or interview skills....

good luck my friend and don't give up
take care and stay positive
Marjan

I hear the fear.

I am in my mid 40s. I've done short-term temp work and have made a few unsuccessful attempts to work, but I haven't held down a long-term job since my daughters were in elementary school. My younger one is now expecting her second child....

And I'm afraid. Yes, about ten years ago when my kids were in high school, I was hired for a part-time, minimum wage grocery store job, and when I told the (female) interviewer that I was a mother, she joked, "That qualifies you for upper management, right there." I think that may be one advantage that we women have over the guys. We can always blame years of unemployment on stay-at-home motherhood, and get away with it. Unfortunately for the men, they can't fall back on that excuse.

Unfortunately I couldn't keep that job, since the physical labor was beyond my capabilities. What they called "part time" was 37 hours a week, just under full time so they wouldn't have to offer benefits. After about a month I had to take time off, they told me to come back when the doctor cleared me, and he never did. It is some comfort to me that they did, after all, hire me, despite the fact that I was a bit older than their average employee, and was on disability. Besides being plus-sized. But, that was ten years ago, I still remain both physically and psychologically disabled, not to mention plus-sized, and now I'm even older. I'm afraid to try job-hunting. When I hear, "I'm sorry, we don't have any openings," I always think to myself, "OK, which is it? My age, my weight, or my cane?" Hubby advises me to consider a fourth option--that they really don't have any openings. But, I have seen it before. They tell me there are no openings, and then turn around and hire some cute little teenager with a dress size in the negative numbers.

But, I have a resource. I am a member of a mental health clubhouse program. If you qualify, you might see if there is one in your area. For the one I attend, there are no dues and you don't have to be on Social Security or Medicaid. All you have to do is prove you have a mental health diagnosis. It is not a treatment facility. They don't do group therapy or anything like that. They set it up to simulate a work day, and then keep themselves deliberately understaffed so that the members *have* to pitch in and help do the work. Not with formal training, but just by doing the work, members develop skills in different areas. Helping to prepare and serve lunch for everyone develops restaurant skills. We also run a clothing closet for the community, receive mail and phone calls for homeless people, and we're working on setting up a subsidized housing program. Members who work in those areas develop clerical/office, customer service, and retail skills. Those who clean up the place can claim experience in maintenance. And then there is the job search service provided by the clubhouse. Job coaches help you develop your resume, and even connect you with potential employers. I've chosen to start out with temp work, and I've already received one paycheck. My first in almost 10 years. I was so proud. It was such a big accomplishment for me.

Hubby asked me, if I want a job, why not just go out there and start looking for one? I answered that I feel better starting off with supported employment search, working with a job coach so I'm not doing it alone. Plus, they can provide references that I don't have by myself.

My goal is to be employed by January 2011. I'm thinking you don't have the luxury of time, though, but I suggest if you have a therapist or a psychiatrist you might ask about this type of resource in your area.

Here's a link to the clubhouse where I live. It's patterned after the one in New York City, and there are similar ones all over the country. Worth investigating?

http://sites.google.com/a/capitalclubhouse.org/web/

Shangrala, go to this link: http://wwwedd.cahwnet.gov/Jobs_and_Training/

One the left hand side of the page is the phone number for the Workforce Services Branch. Tell them your circumstances. Ask about training or retraining programs. Find out if there is a coop program where you work part-time for a company and go to school.

Ask to be referred to anyone that may have information about programs you are eligible for. I do not recall if you started therapy. If so mention it.

Apparently, there are a number of service centers situated throughout the state. You likely would benefit from making an appointment to talk to people in person to flesh what you want and what is available.

Good luck.

[horsecab]

Good God woman...didn't you tell me not long ago you built your daughters computer from scratch??? Stop telling yourself all the things you can't do, and worrying about what the world will say, and give yourself credit for the things you know you CAN do...like work with computers. You could use that as a starting point and go talk to some of the people in your neighborhood computer stores and tell them your situation and what you can do and see what they say. Perhaps they'd let you work there while you got some extra training or certification. Maybe they'd see how good you are and wouldn't ask you to get any more training!!! Maybe you could even give them a few pointers!

Also...keep your eyes open for any online opportunities. There's even a thread at pc for postings. Just research any companies you see with the bbb or google to find out if it's a legit offer or not. So much of the online jobs are too good to be true, but there are real jobs also. Thru search engines I found legit part time income, and there is no way I would begin to know how to build a computer from scratch! So stop scaring yourself Be there for yourself! And be AWARE of all the talents you possess.
Here's a link with some ideas I saw posted here on pc.

http://forums.psychcentral.com/showthread.php?t=110685

[Shangrala]

Oh, my!
All this support and offered resources from you all...brought up tears, to say the least.
I cannot thank you all enough for your support.

My T is who has encouraged me in the direction to check out the college/job resource center, which, I obviously had followed through with. When I returned to her after researching that avenue and provided her the results, we both agreed that the "professional" aspect (job resources via college) may be putting the cart before the horse, so to speak.
We decided to take another approach by checking out women's support groups & human resources to see what programs they offer. I have a list of places that I need to check out and hopefully, will provide other options, as well.

I'm by no means defeated just by this first attempt. I'm determined to pull myself out of this gloom. And with a little effort it's just a matter of time.

You all have offered some VERY helpful ideas which I intend to check every one out. The broader my options, the better the odds, the sooner I'm outta here...lol.

Thank you all so very much......Huggles!

Shangrala

Be well, Shangrala.