[Martina]

My mind is not in a clear state, but hear me out.

My husband and I just had a huge fight and during it I started to think some thoughts that I have thought in the past. The thoughts that I need to set him free. This relationship is not healthy for either of us anymore, he's not happy, I'm not happy, all I do is bring him down with me.

We have been married for 5 years but dating for nearly 10 years - August 1st will be our 10th anniversary of our 1st date. But for those 5 years we dated before we got married, when we were "living in sin" and all that - I kept wishing and hoping that he would pop the question, but any time the marriage subject came up, he freaked out and changed the subject.

I proposed to him. Yes, that's right. Me. And he didn't say yes right away. It wasn't until I told him I was pregnant, and even then he didn't really agree to marry me, but about a week later he finally got me a ring and made things official.

I need to face it. He never wanted to marry me. And the only reason he married me was because I was pregnant, and the only reason he's still married to me is for that child's sake so she has two parents.

I've gained over 100 pounds since we met. Sent us into financial distress. Two years ago he had $80,000 cash in the bank - we now have $72,000 in debt (plus some land that we paid cash for...long story how it all happened) I went crazy, and every time I do something crazy it just brings him down with me. He can't handle this anymore.

And the absolute worst part of all - during my manic epsisodes - which does NOT excuse this in any way - I cheated on him, multiple times. One string was a definite manic episode but then there was one that turned into a 6 month affair that I'm not sure you can call "impulsive" but whatever it was, the results of it are what triggered the horrible summer with three suicide attempts and multiple hospitalizations. I was not well.

He deserves so much more. I love him enough that I want him to be happy, even if that means without me. If we live apart, I can only mess up my life, not his. I can only mess up my finances, not his. I can only mess up my house, not his. The only thing we would work together on is our child and we both have her best interest at heart.

The relationship has been officially "sexless" by the technical definition for the last 8 years. Meaning that we only really had sex for the first 2 years we were together, then it died - we still had sex occasionally but less than 10 times a year (often less than 2 or 3 times a year). Right now, he hasn't touched me since Christmas.

There is no romantic spark left whatsoever, even outside the bedroom. No teasing, flirting, anything. We are not in love anymore.

Yet at the same time, how did we make it 10 years if there wasn't something there? And there is a child involved, so I don't want to just let things fall apart if there is no hope.

We have done marriage counseling. It didn't help, and it's too expensive. We went to three different counselors, actually.

He won't read marriage books. He has ADHD and he just doesn't like to read.

At what point do you just say "enough" and move on?

[El-ahrairah]

Umm I don't think it's worth saving and It sounds like he never wanted to marry you. Cheating on him multiple times says to me you certainly don't love him. I think you should let him go, he deserves better and you need to learn to love yourself before you love another person.... Hope things work out

What a sad situation. But it seems you do care for him, or you wouldn't be thinking about 'setting him free'. Maybe the thing to do is ask him if he wants to be set free. One thing I know is that staying together for the sake of a child is not the way to go. I was raised by two miserable people who did that and the effects are still with me many years later. Whatever you do I hope it brings peace to all of you.

[Rhiannonsmoon]

((((Martina))))

This is really hurting you Martina I can tell by the way you are writing that you are in pain over the way things are.

You know it isn't your fault that you have mental illness and you should really stop punishing yourself so harshly. You need support not harsh treatment.

If he didn't love you Martina he would not have stayed through all that has happened. And he may well be leaving you alone sexually because he has picked up on the fact that you do not enjoy intimate contact; the signs of that dislike are always very clear and any decent man would take a step back to save you from having to go through it.

Only you can decide if you should leave or not, but you should first talk it over with your husband and look at all the things that are important you; your child, how much you love him and he you, finances, coping etc...By all means if you are unhappy then leave but don't do it without open dialogue between you.

Please let me know how you go with this,

Rhiannon

[marjan]

Sadly, I think it's time to move on....Both of you deserve better relationship....It's not just him!

take care
Marjan

[bruinelle]

You should have a serious talk about separating with him. See what he has to say. If he says in no uncertain terms that he's basically in the marriage for your child's sake...then yes, let him go. Not only for him, but for your child.

I'm a Christian, so I am generally not a proponent of divorce. But I can't imagine that being toxic to one another is something anyone, whether God or the state, would want for married couples...

I know it's an extremely difficult decision to make. I'm grappling with the same problem in terms of whether to let my husband go, but the circumstances are different. The idea that we would not be together is extremely difficult...but at the same time, the old saying "if you love something, let it go" exists for a reason...

[jenkins09]

"We have done marriage counseling. It didn't help, and it's too expensive. We went to three different counselors, actually."

"He won't read marriage books. He has ADHD and he just doesn't like to read."

You said that you both went to three different marriage counselors, were you even doing what they suggested? and if so, it obviously wasnt for very long.

And you stated he wont read books, what about you? put that energy into changing you. That is the only thing you can control. If you work on you and show him consistent behavior, maybe he will come around.

He may just be tired of your lip service and wants to see some real, concrete change. You guys have a lot of years together. I wish you the best.