A tough situation

I have been with my partner for three years now. (I'm early 30's, she's late 30's). We get along really well. Admittedly, our relationship didn't start during the choicest time for either of us. I was heading into (what I later found out to be) an illness to be followed by a mental breakdown and serious depression. My partner was coming out of years of serious depression and hospitalization, feeling better than she had ever felt and was beginning a new chapter of her life with graduate school. But I have done everything I can to support her, including moving along with her to her school city and she has always been there for me during my breakdown period of illness and depression. We are truly friends as well as life partners. But an issue came up today that is very hard for me. When we first started dating the issue of having kids came up and I expressed my feelings that I don't ever really see having children (for many of my own reasons that I won't ramble on about here). At the time my partner mirrored my statement that she didn't see kids in her future either.
But over time... and with some additional therapy she has realized that she actually really does want kids and her want has grown steadily over the past year. We took this to couples therapy today and after the hour plus it really came down to our T saying to my partner "you are going to have to be the one to weigh this out and decide which is more important to you."

I have had a heavy heart since that appointment this morning. We actually still went out for lunch and ran some errands etc. and I was fine. But it really hit me tonight. I just hate feeling "in limbo." I said to her that I am going to have to put a time limit on her decision making period. Tonight I put it at a year -- and told her that she is going to have to decide within the next year what her move is going to be. But this is an awful feeling. I am just now (I mean within the last 2 weeks!) beginning to get my life back together. This whole issue now makes me feel like I just can't do enough. I just can't offer enough, I just can't do anything right. After a very intense three years, I now have begun to imagine us together for a lifetime. I really like her, love the way we interact and get along and I feel heart broken that I can't offer her any more... that she might decide to leave because of it. I am not good at hiding my feelings (if I'm hurt) so in the short term I am having a hard time just letting this go. Can I really even make it a year to discover her answer?
Sigh.

Big decision to make and my heart goes out to you Elana05.

After putting a 'time limit' on my ex recently for an answer I have to say that it turned out to be a wrong idea.. I felt I was doing it for my sanity (making an end date) but it turned out to just about kill me waiting for the time to be up and then realising that no time limit was rational.. feeling/thought/emotions/decisions can't be put onto a time line.

I do hope that you sort it out and get the best outcome for you.
Can you try seeing a therapist alone to work through the issues you are facing now and find a way to cope with how you are feeling?

Hi Belle1979,

You're right. I don't know if I'll be able to make it for a whole year... We are going to spend this weekend apart. I hope that will give us both some good thinking time. Thanks for your response...

What a conundrum. I expect the tipping point will occur before the year is up.

I wish you the best.

Hey Elana

I agree with Byzantine it will be impossible to discuss before one year. And to be honest I'd get it sorted quickly because little miracles have a way of happening out of left field...that is something you just don't need if you have decided you don't want kids.....

Cheers,

Rhia

my 2 cents wouldn't buy you a nickle so I'm just going to say I hope it all works out for you...

In relationships we are constantly evolving and changing (thank God). I think the time limit you gave her is more than fair. You did say one thing that stuck with me;

"This whole issue now makes me feel like I just can't do enough. I just can't offer enough, I just can't do anything right"

Have you felt this way about yourself your whole life or in other relationships? maybe an old partner or one of your parents? Your partner wanting kids has nothing to do with what you have to offer him/her.

Is there a chance you could reconsider your position on this? Keep posting.

Hi jenkins09,
Well... it's pretty much off the table now. I told her that I just don't foresee having kids in my life and she has decided that... she wants to stay in the relationship anyway. It is not easy. I told her that I just wanted her to be happy and that I really didn't want her to feel resentful. She said that if she was ever beginning to feel that way she would tell me.
I don't know what else to do. Of course I just want to see our relationship work out because its terrific in all other ways.
Anyway, as you asked - I definitely always begin to feel like things are my fault. I am currently trying to piece my life back together after serious depression. I am beginning to feel somewhat "whole" again. But part of it is that I want to be there for her. I always tend to feel like things depend on me. I was an only child and did a lot of taking care of my mom who was depressed and an alcoholic (although high-functioning). I often feel like more is on my shoulders than needs to be... if that makes sense.

E

Good luck to you, Elana05.