Opinions please................

50guy · Jun 25, 2010, 01:57 PM

I need advice,

I have a female friend that I e-mail. My DW knows about it but, she is not comfortable with it. After much discussion and lots of loud words and accusations she wants me to end it and to be honest I would like to end it too. My DW has called this woman twice over the past 2 years and asked her what she wants with me. We are friends....she tells me her problems with her husband, I have never let her know anything about my relationship with my DW. In recent days she has made some very derogatory comments about my DW and I feel they are inappropriate. I wanted to answer her last e-mail and say I don't want to be in contact with her anymore. How would you end this situation? I don't want hurt feelings, yet I don't want to stay in this friendship. I am really upset over what this friend said about my DW. I have never made any nasty comments about her DH, what is this and why? Anyone have any insight?

I'm at a loss for how to handle it.

Perna · Jun 25, 2010, 02:21 PM

Eric, I don't think you can do anything at all about her reactions to your breaking off the relationship. I think I would just cleanly tell her you do not wish to continue the relationship and that you will not be writing her anymore or reading her emails.

I'm sure, if the woman has troubles with her husband and tells you about them, she enjoys talking with you (because it's someone to talk to, unlike you not needing to talk to her about your wife there's a problem there in her relationship that she's talking to you about instead of her DH) and wishes you'd talk about your relationship. That you don't probably feels "unfair"/one sided to her. Too, that your wife called her a couple times (what was THAT about?) changes the mix.

I don't think you can/should say much about your wife as she and the woman have their "own" relationship since your wife called and talked with the woman so there's no way that you can "judge" her opinions of your wife. If it would make you feel better and/or she demands a "reason" for ending the relationship you can say you did not appreciate the comments she made about your wife but your wife calling and talking to her was similar to her talking to you about her husband so you're kind of "in the middle" now without a leg to stand on.

I'm glad you are ending the relationship, it does not sound like it is going in a positive, healthy direction anymore. While I think a man and woman who are not married to one another can have a friendship such as yours and the woman's, one has to decide if it is worth it if one's spouse does not like it.

Soul Quake · Jun 25, 2010, 02:23 PM

End it by saying you no longer wish to continue the correspondence. You really don't owe this person any leniency with those derogatory comments that have been made. You do however owe it to yourself and your wife to cease contact.

50guy · 03:16 PM

I have had 3 emails from the friend since posting this. All she said ws that she forgives me......I'm wondering what for? My DW called her and asked her what does she want with me. I told my DW about an email she sent me about DW calling and after that DW was fine. DW knows I never discussed my marriage with her.
In the interest of not hurting feelings I was not going to answer the emails but I did and was very short.

My question is this.......should I just not answer her anymore and delete my account? I don't feel like I owe her an explaination. I am really upset with the things she said about my DW. They have seen each other twice and talked on the phone twice, my DW understands this woman is a bit overbearing. I don't want hurt feelings, but I don't want to continue the "friendship" anymore. Why do I feel bad about this?

SQ....the things said about my DW were said to me in an email from this "friend." I never insulted the looks of her DH, even though I could have, in fact I never said a word about him in a derogatory way, so I am at a loss as to why she would insult my lovely wife. I have a very pretty wife and for her to say those kinds of things hurt me very much. She dosen't know my wife well enough to make personal comments about her.

marjan · Jun 25, 2010, 03:20 PM

what is "DW" and "DH"?

50guy · Jun 25, 2010, 03:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by marjan

what is "DW" and "DH"?

A DW is dear wife, a DH is a dear husband, or whatever you want that D to stand for....it's really just a habit for me, I use it all the time.

Jun 25, 2010, 03:43 PM

I would send her an email telling her you do not want to talk to her any more. That it upsets your wife and that it the last thing you want to do. Also that she has spoken badly about your wife which hurt and upset you, so from now on you wish to have no more to do with her.

Then delete your account.

After two years of upsetting your wife by talking to her I feel that it would make your wife feel better if she knew you had defended her to this woman.

50guy · Jun 25, 2010, 04:03 PM

Tishie,

I am trying to let this situation just die of it's own accord.

I don't want hurt feelings.

lynn P. · 04:50 PM

As you know 50guy I respect you - but I hope you won't mind me being honest. Unfortunately the internet makes these kind of connections all too easy. I'm a little old fashioned - where I don't think it's right to talk about a spouse, unless it's in a good way. She should be talking to a counselor and I can't help but think she had other motives. Usually this kind of emotional bonding leads to physical cheating.

I don't blame your wife for not liking this and the fact she actually went to meet her face to face - makes me think she was very ticked. I also wonder, what were you getting out of this arrangement? Would you be okay if your DW communicated about your marriage problems with another man? I hope you don't mind my straight forward questions?

I think you should end this as quickly as possible by telling her the truth or changing your email. If she's over bearing I would be concerned she might make a pest of herself. I wouldn't be worried about hurting her feelings - or else your wife's feelings will get hurt. I hope my straight forward opinion doesn't hurt your feelings.

purple_fins · Jun 25, 2010, 04:57 PM

I think the question is-- who's feelings are MORE important to YOU? which person is the one you would want to hurt the least?
seems there is going to be hurt no matter what.... but.... which one is your heart dearer to?

then go with that answer

best to you

fins

Rhiannonsmoon · Jun 26, 2010, 01:12 AM

Hey there Eric,

It's so wonderful that you love your dear wife so much and have such concern for her heelings.

But, and this is a big but...A woman KNOWS when another woman is interested in her husband. No matter what anyone says a womans intuition does not lie to her and does not steer her incorrectly.

Your wife has been upset because she knows that this woman is already in a relationship with you be it over the net or on the phone. You see this woman as someone who used to be a friend; the friend is reliant upon you for certain things and because your DW sees this, she is rightly unhappy about it.

To you it is an innocent friendship that has turned a little sour beause of her comments, but it is the motive behind the comments that is the real problem. She has up to now had no reason to make comment, so what has changed? I think you are seeing the side of the scorned woman here and if it were me I would delete my account, and put a filter on any emails she sends you, so that you don't get them. I would tell her why so that she knows that there is a consequence to what she has done. I know if anyone said anything nasty about my partner I would tell them what I thought and I would not have conact with that person again; loyalty is important in relationships,

Loving thoughts,

Rhia

50guy · Jun 26, 2010, 08:39 AM

lynn;
I value your opinion, just let me reiterate that I have never spoken to this friend about my relationship........I have a strong one with my wife. She is old fashioned in values too and I am committed to her (38 years now) and have no one else in mind. You are right she does have other motives and I am tired of all this drama.

My DW leaves it in my hands and I told her what I was going to do, that is this......I am sending her one last email telling her how I feel about her saying those things about my wife. Then I am deleting my account, further since this friend can contact me through our work system I am blocking her from sending me anything there, we have changed our phone numbers and that should do it.

Again....thanks for your opinion......no offense taken, you're a gem.

Quote:

Originally Posted by lynn P.

As you know 50guy I respect you - but I hope you won't mind me being honest. Unfortunately the internet makes these kind of connections all too easy. I'm a little old fashioned - where I don't think it's right to talk about a spouse, unless it's in a good way. She should be talking to a counselor and I can't help but think she had other motives. Usually this kind of emotional bonding leads to physical cheating.

I don't blame your wife for not liking this and the fact she actually went to meet her face to face - makes me think she was very ticked. I also wonder, what were you getting out of this arrangement? Would you be okay if your DW communicated about your marriage problems with another man? I hope you don't mind my straight forward questions?

I think you should end this as quickly as possible by telling her the truth or changing your email. If she's over bearing I would be concerned she might make a pest of herself. I wouldn't be worried about hurting her feelings - or else your wife's feelings will get hurt. I hope my straight forward opinion doesn't hurt your feelings.

50guy · Jun 26, 2010, 08:44 AM

Hands down.........without any reservation, my wife wins this one. If this "friend" gets hurt feelings then I have to say....that's her problem.

Quote:

Originally Posted by purple_fins

I think the question is-- who's feelings are MORE important to YOU? which person is the one you would want to hurt the least?
seems there is going to be hurt no matter what.... but.... which one is your heart dearer to?

then go with that answer

best to you

fins

purple_fins · Jun 26, 2010, 10:01 AM

Hope things go as well as can be for you and your wife.

Perna · Jun 26, 2010, 10:13 AM

I hope there is no reason you have to hear from her in the work arena. I wouldn't necessarily have blocked that account unless she abused it and then I would have told her to stop once, documented that and then gone to her supervisor if she did not cease and desist. You shouldn't have to go out of your way (change phone numbers) to get her to cease contacting you.

lynn P. · Jun 26, 2010, 10:23 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 50guy

lynn;
I value your opinion, just let me reiterate that I have never spoken to this friend about my relationship........I have a strong one with my wife. She is old fashioned in values too and I am committed to her (38 years now) and have no one else in mind. You are right she does have other motives and I am tired of all this drama.

My DW leaves it in my hands and I told her what I was going to do, that is this......I am sending her one last email telling her how I feel about her saying those things about my wife. Then I am deleting my account, further since this friend can contact me through our work system I am blocking her from sending me anything there, we have changed our phone numbers and that should do it.

Again....thanks for your opinion......no offense taken, you're a gem.

Thanks ((50Guy)) - I'm relieved you didn't take offense at my post. I consider you my friend here on the boards, so I wanted to be straight but knew I had to risk touching a possible nerve. Several times during the 4 hr edit period, I almost deleted my post a few times lol.

I realize you never confided in details about your marriage. The fact this woman did confide in you about her husband, was a betrayal to him. When a couple confides like this, an emotional bond happens and that's what I object to. I think married couples should have friends together and of course you having guy friends separate is fine - but having an emotional bond like you described isn't healthy. Relationships like this boost the self esteem of those involved but weakens those not involved( your wife/her husband)

I happy you're going to take care of this the right way. I know you're a gentleman and will do the right thing regarding you marriage.