[MidnightStar2010]

I am dating someone that has been very patient with me. I have been conditioned to act a certain way by my ex. That is so far in the past .. so what I don't understand is why I am starting to treat my BF the same way my ex husband treated me? I swore to myself that I would never treat anyone the way he treated me. I would never want them to feel the way I did. And yet here I am finding myself trying to control every situation. I know it is wrong, but sometimes I can't stop it. I am desperate to unlearn what has been burned into my mind. I love my BF and he absolutely deserves to be treated like a human being. Not some animal that I can tame. I need help.

[Perna]

Are you in therapy or have you ever been? I think it is more about you and your self esteem than about your ex or current BF. I think we get over controlling because we are anxious and feel threatened. It's not so much that you "learned" this behavior from your ex, if it were just learned, you could learn something else instead in a bit of time. But that you persist and don't feel you can act differently implies to me that something deeper is going on with you.

I don't think it helps to think of it as right/wrong. What helps me is to remember I am anxious and when I catch myself treating my husband like a child or being in charge of every situation, I apologize to him and then look at myself to see what is scary about the situation and see if I can see other ways to respond. The controlling ways I was taught by my stepmother are "minor" (organizational sorts of things where chores have to be done a certain way or at a certain time, etc.) and don't cause much angst between the two of us but the things that do, that I think are major, I know probably come from me rather than just surface teaching or even surface teaching on top of my own issues, reinforcing some.

I'm very fortunate because my husband is very good and clear about why he does what he does the way he does it and I've learned a great deal just from discussions with him (so I don't care if he does/does not replace the toilet paper; the chances of the "next" person using the bathroom and not having toilet paper (me) or his using the bathroom and "starting" by putting on a new roll are relatively equal so my stepmother's angst about replacing the roll when you use the last sheet as a politeness for the "next" person doesn't wash; it's no harder to replace it when you use the last one or when you need the first one!).

When you catch yourself behaving or speaking in a manner you don't like, start a discussion with your BF, ("Did you see what I just did? How did you experience what I just said?") and you might learn some neat stuff both about him and have a good interaction for your brain to remember the next time so it doesn't fall into that same pattern again?

[MidnightStar2010]

I have been in therapy for so long. I have major self esteem issues . And no matter how much my therapist ( who I refer to as my BFF that I have to pay) Tells me that I am worth it and I am beautiful and my outfit looks nice. I don't believe her. I tell her she has to say those things because she is a therapist. Of course she gets upset about that. I have been trying to catch myself in the act. But sometimes the damage is already done. I wrote something in the journal I started a day or so ago. I am really serious about getting better.

(Self confidence? What is that and where do i find it?
Insecurity? How the heck do I tame that beast?)

I am really tired of being this way. I am tired of reliving all the traumas day after day . and I am to afarid to go to a face to face support group. That only increases my anxiety.