[Elana05]

I was wondering if anyone could relate... to having close family members who drive you crazy, but mostly due to things they have said in the past.
I put off talking on the phone to my dad but then have to call him. I know he is trying to be helpful and he even seems to be watching what he is saying. Which I think is nice, but odd and misplaced. He has said so many hurtful things to me in the past while I was growing up... basically that I couldn't do anything right. He always cuts me off while I'm speaking (always has). All of it just makes me cringe every time I talk to him.
During this past conversation he said he hoped I would feel better soon so that I could get on with my life and get a job. But all I heard was "get a job." Like I do not think of this fact 23 out of 24 hours a day?
Then he asked me if my relationship was okay. (This is one area of my life that is actually totally working well). When I said, "Yes, it is great" he was like, "Are you sure? I'm not so sure." What the hell? I know he is probably mulling this over because I became depressed about the same time that I got into a relationship. I just hate how he makes sh** up about me in his own mind (instead of actually listening to me).
Ugh. I know that what he is saying now isn't really all that bad. I am just so triggered by stuff he has said (and done) in the past that I bristle at our conversations. I did the best I could. I was very courteous, I asked him about himself and his wife. I was brief, yet attentive. I just wish my conversations with him didn't psychologically take so much out of me.
When I have tried to tell him about how certain things he says bother me, he always just calls me "too sensitive" and I am so sick of that. Having viable feelings is not being "too sensitive." The last thing that I found so irksome was how he kept referring to my "shrink." I just hate that term. It seems so demeaning to what is a life-crushing illness to me. He has had to see many doctors recently and I wonder if I should call them "witch doctors" just to get him to see how it feels. Venting...

[Elana05]

I know my post was long, rambling and not very interesting... but anyone out there?
Lil bit lonely.

[Rhiannonsmoon]

Hello Elana,

I'm sorry you are having this problem. My mum is the same, I walked away eventually and left them all to it. I seem to be responsible for everything from whales beaching to tienamen square as far as my ex family were concerned. It just wasn't worth the stress. But give your dad a chance and don't take everything to heart, he is trying and I'm sure he wants to do better,

Rhiannon

[la doctora]

I don't know if I can help, but I want you to know that I can certainly relate. I have a father that is great, caring, loving, and all the good stuff. He is also a control freak and cannot stand for things not to be exactly as he thinks they should. I am a 29 year old woman that is afraid to get a tiny little cute tatoo on my toe bc I don't want to deal with the chaos that would ensue. He knows most of the troubles I face (not the mental ones) and offers suggestions to help, which is great. But then if I don't take or use his suggestions he will go on and on and on about why he thinks I should or shouldn't do whatever. He can find a million ways to reword and say the same sentence or idea 1 million times in a phone conversation.
I am a veterinarian but have not been in practice since graduating vet school 3 years ago. I am excited and determined to be practicing in the near future but I am also scared to death. I have forgotten most of what I learned in school and know that I have a lot of work to do before I can be a good doc. My dad hates the vet that I worked with for so many years growing up, and now my future mentor and boss. They just clash bc my dad thinks it should be done one way and clarke thinks differently. But since he won't do exactly what daddy wants, he is all the bad words in the book. Daddy had some friends calling me the other day to ask advice on a cow. I had not seen or talked to these people in years and years. I didn't return the call and told my dad that I couldn't have people calling me like that when I am still half way across the country bc there are laws and things called patient/client/doctor relationship. He said that he has had vets his whole life talk to him over the phone and why shouldn't I. I explained that I could when I am practicing, but that it was inappropriate now. He said I was gonna be just like clarke and hung up on me. It hurt really badly. He compared me to someone that I know he truly doesn't like or respect. All bc I didn't conform to the way he thinks it should be done.
My husband and I will be moving back home soon and will have to stay with my folks for awhile until we find a place to rent/buy. I know that I am an adult and have to let it slide off my shoulders, but it is hard to do that. I still feel like that little girl that cringes when daddy raises his voice a little. I know that it will be a challenge to live at home with them again, but I hope we can have as little confrontation as possible throughout. I hope too that we only have to stay with them for about a month or so.
I have done better with realizing that I just have to let him be. I have to mainly ignore him and do what I want to do bc he is just blowing smoke in the end.
I have also tried telling him my feelings and he also thinks I am too sensitive and should just get over it. He does not know about my mental health issues bc he doesn't believe in that kind of thing. He would tell me to get tough and do what it takes to live life. He does not believe in most medicine. Even pain meds to help him walk. He is pre-diabetic and is finally starting to realize that medical stuff is real and can affect him whether he wants it to or not. I am a doctor and he still doesn't like to listen to what I have to say on the subject.
In the end I know that he is just like an old person set in their ways. He is never going to change and I will only be miserable if I try to get him to. I have to be ok about it when he gets pissed at me. I have to tell myself that I don't have to get upset just bc he doesn't approve of something I have done or said. It is hard not to feel like a little girl and curl up like I am in trouble, but I am slowly starting to be able to do that.
See if you can just let it slide off you when he says things that aren't supportive. I'm sorry that I don't have anything more helpful to say. I just wanted you to know that I do relate to your situation.

[Elana05]

Hi la doctora,

I feel for your situation and can relate to so many of the things you have said. I just want you to know I commend you for sticking to your guns about the phone call. If I have learned anything in therapy it is the super importance of keeping those good boundaries. I feel heartened to know that its not just my dad that does/says these things. I don't know if you can relate but one thing that has been hard growing up for me, and even still today is that my dad has a very "large" personality. He's very social, many friends, loves to be around people. So of course everyone is like, "oh your dad is so great, your dad is so fun." It has only been in the past 3 years that I have been able to say, "yeah, in many ways he is a good person, in many ways he means to be a good father, but I cannot ignore the mistakes that he has made over the years. To be honest, he has not been the greatest dad - mainly do to the ways he has constantly put me down, or just hasn't listened to me." I think this is why those boundaries have been so crucial (especially lately)...
I hope you get back to practicing vetrinary medicine soon, it sounds like you really love it. Don't worry about forgetting too much. I bet after 1 week most of it will have returned to you!
It sounds difficult that you must stay with your parents. (I know this would be hard for me). Have you exhausted all other options?



E

[la doctora]

Yes I do relate to that part too. My dad is very honest and hard working. He has developed a very strong reputation for those qualities. And we live in a tiny little town, so reputations are very important. If I were to criticize his parenting it would make me look like a piece of crap in a lot of people's eyes. He loved us and tried his best to raise us right, but he did a lot of things wrong in my eyes too. Some of those things affected me into my adult life. I have wanted to tell him before, some of the things I felt he did wrong. It's like when your a kid and you get mad at your parents for something, all you want is to be grown up so that you can "show them". They always said I would understand when I was older. Honestly, some of the things I understand now, but a lot of them I think are totally wrong and I will raise my kids differently. It's like sometimes I want to rub it in his face that I think he is still wrong after all these years, but I realized that it would only make everyone unhappy. I know that he tried his best and thought he was always doing the right thing, so to tell him that I though he was a bad parent in some ways (and still do) it would absolutely crush him. His intentions have always been great, but a little misguided. Sometimes I still want to shake him and say "this is what happens when you do what you did", but I know it would only create ill feelings.

Yeah we really have to stay with them for a little while at least. We are moving half way across the country. We have had the house up for sale since Feb and still trying to sell. We can't secure a place to rent bc we don't know when we will be coming, and it will be a last minute move when it happens. I have a job waiting on me so I have to get there when I resign from this job. Once we get there we will look for a place to rent and it will just be how soon we can find a place til we can leave my folks. So maybe not long. I think a month at the most. It will be hard at times I expect, but I am determined not to let him get to me while I am there. I still want that tatoo!!!

Our dads sound a lot alike in many ways. The hardest part for me was realizing that it is ok for me to be my own person and not who he wants me to be. Once I am ok with that (still working on it) I think I will be able to deal with him. I'm sorry that your dad has hurt you with his words. Has he ever acknowledged that he did some things wrong and tried to change? You said you feel like he is making an effort when he talked to you on the phone. I just wonder if it is his way of making the first step towards repairing your relationship.

[Elana05]

Originally Posted by la doctora

The hardest part for me was realizing that it is ok for me to be my own person and not who he wants me to be. Once I am ok with that (still working on it) I think I will be able to deal with him.

So true and well put.
I just don't know if its worth it bringing up this stuff with him. My last T seemed to think I should just let it go. I actually have wanted to meet with him with T present, but mainly to be able to tell him what I am up to, and to have a third party to see how he reacts - someone who is actually "on my side." It's just that so often he asks me, "how are you doing?" and I can't really tell him. I completely edit everything I say to him. I know his reaction will feel hurtful to me. For example, right now I have gone back to studying chemistry. It's a class I had to drop 2 years ago when I had a breakdown. (I've taken a lot of biology, oddly, but no chemistry). I loved the class but also found it complex and intricate (I know its the nature of the beast), so I'm reading over my textbooks. Eventually I think I might like to get back to school for something like archiving or art conservation.
But he doesn't know any of this. I can't tell him because he'll say something like, "I don't know what you find interesting about that. Don't you want to do this instead?" At one point he even said, "you're not cut out for that." Thing is, he does not know me. I never got below an A in any of my bio classes. I graduated with honors when I got my BA. He just assumes that because he doesn't like science, I shouldn't either. And I find it crushing to know he can't support me for who I am.
Oops. I ended up rambling on.
Anyway... I know you'll get that tattoo! What is it a picture of?

E

[la doctora]

I want one on my toe that looks like a toe ring. I'm still debating though. I've read that they don't do well unless you can wear sandals all the time until it heals. I could do that right now, but couldn't in a month or so bc of the change of jobs. So I guess I need to decide soon!

You know, if I were you, I would tell your dad about your studies and what you find interesting. If he responds by saying he doesn't understand why you like that, then stand your ground. Tell him, "you don't have to understand it, you just have to accept that I like this." If he says you aren't cut out for it (that would really hurt me too) tell him, "yes I am, and you wouldn't know because you don't acknowledge that I like different things that you think I should." Basically just say, "Dad I am my own person. You can either accept me for who I am, or our relationship has already and will continue to suffer." Hopefully he will realize that he can't change you, and will ultimately accept you. I think it is a matter of letting him know he can't get away with treating you like a child anymore. When he realizes there will be consequences to that, he might think twice before shooting off at the mouth.

I remember one time I was mad at my dad for something (I don't remember what now, but it really made me angry). I was to the point of washing my hands of him and keeping him out of my life. I remember I wrote him this long letter saying that I knew he wanted to always think of me as his little girl, and that he could, but he had to treat me like an adult or I wouldn't treat him the same anymore. I told him he had to respect me and not try to tell me what to do. I don't remember it all, it was long. But I laid it out there for him that he couldn't treat me the way he had been used to treating me. I think it really helped. I know it did when I first wrote it. He may have slipped a little since then, but I only need to remind him I think, that I will do what I want.

I truly hope you find some peace with this.

[Elana05]

Originally Posted by la doctora

"Dad I am my own person. You can either accept me for who I am, or our relationship has already and will continue to suffer."

la doctora,

This was very helpful, thank you.

Good luck on your tattoo. It sounds neat.