[darkeyes]

Just was wondering if anyone who has been married 27 years plus, the many years of going steady to present spouse (total years together for us 34yrs) that bickering increases with years together?
We get to the point we can bicker about almost anything, I'm getting tempted to call it quits and be single again, and with no desire for another partner, no men, no women, just to be alone.
If no one can relate to this and have the "perfect marriage" then please no replies.
I'm more concerned with how many find bickering increase with the longer amount of time (years) being together.
I see this as a common thing, but is it normal, or is it time to go seperate ways?
Ah, just a crappy weekend I suppose, but had to question those in it for the long haul, ha!ha!
Anotheer weekend blown away

DE

[bebop]

(((((darkeyes))))) I am in my 4th marriage myself. feel like I have been married all my life. the one I am with now really doesn't communicate one way or the other. I have had them that yes as time increased so did our arguments. but 34 yrs is a very long time to give up on. is it something you both can work out?

[Fuzzybear]

no and I guess I am lucky as I can be very irritating But then M is at home at the moment so he isnt having so much stress. If I attempt to talk to him early in the mornings or when he is tired that is another story...... basically I don't

But after a very long time like 34 years I have no clue. Maybe he is going through a very rough time. Paws crossed for your mutual health and communication in the future.

Take care,
Fuzzy

PS I should not in theory have answered this as I have not been married anything like as long as 27 years..... sorry

Personally, I hate giving up on people so I would try my best to work things out. But if he is abusive then it would be time to leave..... unless you can see that he wants to change. Sorry, I haven't answered your question at all, have I

Have you thought of taking a short (or longer) break away from him to give yourself time to think about this from a distance?

Boundaries..... gotta love 'em

[cms39]

Yes, I think if it's one-sided, then something needs to be done. If you are getting picked on, try to speak up. Or try active listening. Example: I hear that you are upset about the laundry (or whatever).

[Kathyanita]

I think its all normal for bickering and for it to increase. It seems like it becomes an easy shorthand for real communication. Like having email, IM and and all that abreviated contact among people that is misinterpreted so easily. We need time sometimes to just communicate at a human speed , not breif and "electronic" and shorthand like marriages contain. One time I decided to think what would I put in a letter if it was back 2 hundred years ago and would not reach him for 3 months to travel across a continent and his reply would not come for 3 months. After 25 years of married communication I had to wonder if a lack of instant resonse options in the old days kept some couples closer. Waiting for the loving words and also having time to reconsider hurtful words.
So now I'm trying to slow down my mouth too. There have been times I thought to get out and even "threatened" , and times he's said go ahead if youre going. But its the both of us creating how it goes and what we say we'll invest and live up to.

[darkeyes]

Stepping forward from the first post, it is hard to explain, he talks about the days "we" retire and how he has managed our finances so retirement should not be a struggle, I guess that is a sign on a whole we are "together", and we just get uptight easier, and that I see is most likely due to the pressures of caring for our aged moms, always running errands and stuff for my mom and and very little for my mother-in-law, she is so independent, doing so much still by herself. I admire her for it, she is a very inspiring lady.
I guess the pressures of being caregivers, while our time is being robbed from us for others, is putting on stress. I hear this is common amongst us middle aged "children", being the "parents" now to our parents, and so close to just finishing raising our own kids. I'm sure many of you can relate to this new role in our lives. And not having co-operation with our siblings in this creates an underlying resentment, that we never come out and say anything, if so very little, but I know my husband resents the same as I do, him resenting my one brother more than I resent his sister's conveniant distance to be of help to her mom, see him and I live close to our moms so, we are "the ones" who do the most. Oh well, if I live that long I pray my one and only child will look after me when needed, but I doubt it, ha!ha! Oh well, I can dream, eh?
Whats good we do have good talks and get along, but when the bickering begins it is weird. Ever notice men hear us different than other woman do? Like if their listening skills are underdeveloped or the men just tune us out, that gets me more flustered, ha!ha!
Ever notice, they can complete your sentences before you even finished it, and usually they insert the wrong thing? Grrrrrr! That kind of interuptions, irk me, and I find that the begining of a controlling husband, I know there is more to a controlling husband, but that may be a sign, seeking for power.
This was funny, one day a former friend from Italy said, "being married over time gets more like a brother/sister relationship ", her and I laughed.
I'm sure this sort of stuff has been a topic or experience all or many couples have dealt with through history, even caveman/cavewoman days, and that often survived. I guess we will too, we have been through a lot together, losing loved ones, low money, even lost our jobs when a company we worked for went bust. Poor timeing, I finally waited to have a baby and the job loss occured during my first 6 months and right after we finally were able to buy our first home. Long story short, we survived it all and more.
I guess last nite I posted this during an hour of frustration and PMS, can change a ladie's moods besides being mildly bipolar, ha!ha! Medication can do so much, but things can hamper the full effect when added stress is around, ha!ha!
There is a positive side to this, my husband and I can laugh about most of our bickering a few hours later or the next day or 2, that's a good sign, right?
Well, y'all have a peaceful day, fill it with laughter

Love to all,
DE

[cms39]

Yes, the laughter is a very good sign, I think.

When my husband starts snapping at me, I might say "alright you grumpy old man." He usually gets the message and we laugh about it later.