marriage and me

i have been married for 4 years. i am very confused about my husband's behaviour. my husband had affair someone else for 2 years. they both loved each other and wanted to marry but both parents were not ready. so they decided to seperated. and my husband decided to marry someone in his country.( i was in different country and my husband was in USA) his g/f tried to suicide here. so he came back USA. after few months, he came back to our country and decided to marry me. before our marriage, i asked him that did he had any g/f in his past? he said no. after my marriage, i found about his g/f from his cousin. he said that she might be joking. he lied to me second time. meanwhile, i doubted that he had something in past. but he always made excuses and i trusted him a lot. then after 4 years, i found proof, his old love letters written by her. i asked him in the beginning he did not tell me the truth then i said i will find out from someone else. then he told me that yes she was her g/f. then i asked him that did they had any physical relationship? he said that her g/f was not that kind of girl. i also asked him that did they hanged out, hugs and kisses? he said that i don't remember and indirectly said no. after few days, while i was cleaning, i found another letter . she said that " you give me joy and happiness with your hugs and kisses" i was so shocked. why did he lie to me all the time? when i compared relationship with her. i have nothing. they used to hugs and kisses. he had never give me lip kiss and hug from his side. he said that he does not like to do that. he never said that he loves me. my realtionship is weak from the beginning of my marriage. he used to talk to her 20 times ( may be more than that) a day and he does not like to talk to me. my sex life is not even interesting. sometimes once a month and sometimes 6 months a once. he said that he forgets her. but i don't think so. i want to talk to him about this that what is going in my head right now. but he always make excuses and tried to avoid to talk about it. i am so depressed right now. no one is here in USA for me except my husband, i want to live with him. i want to make my relationship works but i don't know how? how should i start to talk to him about my questions? our marriage is an arranged marriage, arranged by parents but he chose me too.

Hi Dreamgirl - your post made me sad. You sound very alone in this -- I'm sorry (but please know that you have us here at PC).

I don't know why your husband lied to you, but if you are determined to make the marriage work, then one thing you should probably do is stop pushing him about his ex-g/f. Let his past remain in his past, and instead, focus on what you both can do to make your relationship stronger for the future. He can't change his past, and it's not going to help your relationship if you know the details, so it's probably better to try to let it go.

Can you talk to your parents or his about how to make your marriage better? Do they have any advice?

no in my culture, i can not tell our parents. and my husband would not like if they know.

why he still has her love letters? why do not he discard? every time i see that box, i cry inside

Dreamgirl, it would hurt me too, but he can hold a piece of his past because it made him who he is today. The best thing you can do is earn his trust.

Is the box really the problem? If he gave you all of the love and attention you wanted, would you still care about the letters?

Oh Dreamgirl,

How upsetting it is to read your post. You sound so alone.
If you really want to make this work, I agree, you have to put the old g/f in the past and not bring it up.
Then you need to sit down with your husband and talk to him calmly. Tell him how you feel inside. Tell him how lonely you are. If you seek his affections, then you need to express that also.
I'm sorry that your marriage has been in such tormoil, espcially with only being married for four years.
I wish you and your husband all the best.
Always know that you can come here for support. We will be here for you.
Hugs,
Boopers

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LMo said:
Dreamgirl, it would hurt me too, but he can hold a piece of his past because it made him who he is today. The best thing you can do is earn his trust.

Is the box really the problem? If he gave you all of the love and attention you wanted, would you still care about the letters?

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that's the thing i am not getting love and emotions from him. we hardly talk 10 minutes a day, he does not like to go with me, either.

I'm sad for you

Ok, so if that's the case, then be careful to keep your focus on that part of it when you're talking with him. Not the ex-g/f, not the letters. Every time you bring those two things up, it's guaranteed that you're going to push him away.

Focus on the love and emotions you need when you talk to him. Ask him how to make it possible.