[AmDaws]

So, I've been having some nasty mood swings lately that I've discovered sound a lot like Borderline Personality Disorder. I know not to let the internet diagnose anything, so I can't say that's what I'm suffering from. But I know that whatever is wrong with me, my relationship is definitely making it worse.

So in December, on Christmas Eve to be exact, my mom's 8-month battle with lung cancer ended. We were going to spend Christmas morning with her opening presents in her hospital room, but, I guess she wanted us to spend it at home.

I've been dating this girl (I'm a lesbian, I'm saying it now so no one gets confused by the context, I'm not trying to start any beef about morals so if you're against it, I'm okay with that) for almost two years. We started dating about two months before my mom was diagnosed with cancer. She's been there for me, helping me get through my mom's illness and she's become an integral part of my life. While pretty much every friend I've ever had has completely abandoned me and wants nothing to do with me, she's been there.

But, since my mom died, she's become curious about guys and started dating her best guy friend. She's starting to drift away from me and in the past four months I've become increasingly unpredictable. In fact, the only predictable thing about me is that I'm going to overreact in some way to just about anything. I accuse her of all sorts of horrible things: that she's lying to me, that she hates me, that she's cheating on me, that she's trying to avoid me, and it's making her feel just as horrible as I feel.

I know staying in this situation is hurting me, and the fact that it's hurting me is hurting her. If I cry about my family situation, work, money, or my depression in general, she's there for me, helping me, giving me advice I really need to hear (while the advice anyone else gives me just ends up pissing me off). But when I start venting about her, which I often do because, well, she's one of my main problems, she becomes incredibly defensive and angry and we end up fighting until we start crying and almost breaking up. (Although she is dating someone else, we haven't been able to break up...)

I'm sorry for the incredibly long post... I didn't mean to make a ranty little journal entry.

I just don't know if I should leave her completely. She's the only person who makes me remotely happy. I sometimes think she's the only reason I haven't killed myself yet. But she's also part of the reason I want to die in the first place. And I know as soon as I start getting help one of the first recommendations will be to leave her.

I really do love her, and she really does love me. I've started realizing she may be seeing this guy as a crutch to deal with my problems. At first it was just because she missed being with men... but now, she cares about him and part of her can't stand being with me. (That could also be my paranoia talking)

I know I need to leave her. It's just a painfully hard thing to think about right now.

Thanks in advance for any advice or anything you share. In fact, thanks for just reading this in general, I know it's long and all that. I really don't know what to do or what I want.

[Rhiannonsmoon]

Hey there Amanda,

This is a difficult situation for you to be in. The loss of your mother on Christmas Eve couldn't have been easy to deal with and now all these other things to cope with too.

I don't have a problem with peoples choices, just thought I'd let you know that right now so it's out of the way. I do think though that the relationship is uneven and not balanced in particular to you.

I think the first thing you would find in therapy though is that in this case it is you who is important and you have to sort out who you are and what your feelings are and why they are. I doubt anyone would pressure you to do anything but that they would rather support you and hope to guide you through the maze of your own conflicting feelings...once that is done you will be in a better position to make decisions ...

Whatever choices you take will be yours not your therapists so lose the anxiety about that straight up if you can. The Most important thing is getting your moods under your control so that you are more in a position to react appropriately rather than inappropriately. You may have not dealt with your mothers passing and are going through some tough feelings with no idea how to let them out, so please try to be gentler on yourself,

Rhian

[El-ahrairah]

Sounds hard... I couldn't personally share a partner be it a bf or gf....
I don't know what to tell you... if she's dating someone else I would have left it at that, but she's there for you and that's hard too.... awe..

Hello, Amanda. What are you doing to deal with your concerns? Fixing you will help you decide what to do about the relationship.

[foreverhis97]

Awweh, im Not Very Experianced With Relationships,
But iThink You REALLY Need To Talk To Her.
Have A Nice Heart To Heeaarrt ?
& Im Sorry If iDidnt Heeelp.

[sugahorse1]

Hey there. I was in a similar situation. I met this girl (While I was dating a guy) and we fell in love. We kind of had a relationship, and eventually I needed to end my relationship with my boyfriend and made a complete commitment to her. It only lasted a few weeks, and then our relationship crumbled. She decided she was ready to date guys again, wanted to have another child (She has 2 from an ex-husband) and just wasn't comfortable facing society as a lesbian/bisexual.

It was the most painful time of my life when I had to let her go. We would kind of be together for 4 days, then she'd call it off. we would spend about 4 days living together, doing everything together, and then she'd withdraw.
We tried the "friends with benefits" approach, but every time we got together, there were too many emotions and we couldn't just walk away.
Even being friends was hard, as the emotions were too strong.
This continuous yo-yo relationship was poison to me, and it had to end.
I landed up in hospital after a S*, as I just couldn't deal with it, but it was a wake-up call for me.
I wish you all the strength in the world, but do know that you'll get through this.

You have realised that she's not good for you, so walk away and start your life afreash. Find someone who'll give you 100%, which is what every person deserves.

((HUGS)) - I'm here for you if you want to chat.

[AmDaws]

Hey, thanks everyone. I haven't been around for a few days, so sorry for my lack of response

@ TheByzantine: I used to deal with these concerns by talking to her about it, but I guess my way of talking isn't the most compassionate. I end up making her feel worthless and probably about as horrible as I feel, and now she's withdrawing even farther from me, and into the arms of her wonderful boyfriend. My aunt's offered to let me stay at her place in another city for the weekend so we can talk, so, maybe that will help for now.

I'm also trying to reconnect with a childhood friend, one I've pushed away in my teens like pretty much every other friend I've ever trusted. I doubt we'll be close enough for me to vent about all the s*** I'm going through, but I guess just having someone else to chill with on a regular basis will help.

@ sugahorse: I'm really sorry to hear about your situation, I'm glad to hear you're okay. Thanks for the support. Walking away from her isn't easy, but today I finally spoke up and told her I just want to be friends. She agreed, but I think she's got her own abandonment issues, and she suffers from pretty severe panic attacks and anxiety... Makes it hard to walk away from her completely. I know for my own good I should but she's the only one I can talk to about a lot of things right now and I can't stand making her cry.

@ everyone else: if I reply to everyone individually I'll end up writing a novel. So thank you all. You're all very helpful and supportive and I appreciate it greatly