[bruinelle]

Hi Folks,

This is my first time joining a forum and trying to connect with people who may understand the situation, both from my and my husband's perspectives.

My husband was diagnosed with major depressive disorder with severe psychotic features over a year ago. His diagnosis recently changed to major depressive disorder with social anxiety.

Some facts:

1. We got married 3 years earlier, but started living together 1.5 years ago due to his being a foreign national. His primary language and culture are, obviously, not English/American. He was struck with a major depressive episode, complete with a suicide attempt, 6 months after we began living as a married couple. His job of 1.5 months seemed to have been the trigger.

2. He had a history of depression since over 10 years ago, but lied to me before and after the marriage re: his depression. He merely told me that he had had one small, "normal" episode of social withdrawal and depression in Australia, when he went there for school. He made it sound like he was merely homesick, but I found out much later that he'd suffered a depressive relapse, complete with diagnosis and medication.

3. We sought treatment immediately, and he's been semi-faithful to his treatment regimen. For 1 year, he took medication, went to counseling sessions, and saw his psychiatrist every month. However, it didn't really seem to make much improvement, so after we did everything we could possibly do here in America, we all (me, him, his family, my family) decided it would be best if he went back to Korea to get treatment in his own language and be in an environment that he's familiar and comfortable with...

We've been wrestling with his depression. I have to admit...it's the hardest thing I've ever experienced in my life, and I've gone through some crazy things. I suppose it's because this is completely out of my control and, no matter what I do, it is ultimately out of my hands.

Eventually, I began to feel hopeless and exhausted, stressed out, filled with anxiety about our future and lives together. I then began thinking of divorce, and eventually, death. Not that I was suicidal...but I would think thoughts like, "If I got into a car accident, I hope no one pulls me from the wreck. Just let me slip away." It scared me because I hadn't wanted to give up on life like that since I was a teenager, during which time I was the victim of sexual assault over a period of years.

I was also frightened for my husband, because while he's here in America, he seemed to have a block in terms of recovery. When he went back to Korea, he improved noticeably - he's not 100%, but he was more active in a 2-month time frame than he'd been in the year that he'd gotten depressed here.

Everyone, from my family to even pastors (yes, I'm Christian) told me that divorce could be a viable option for us, not because we don't love each other, but because we may just be toxic to each other. In other words, my husband coming to America and staying here may cause him to stay depressed and not be able to recover. I, on the other hand, cannot move to Korea.

I refused to think about divorce for the longest time - I thought that divorcing him would be abandoning him because of his illness. And I loved - still love - him. But one person put it this way: "By keeping him with you, you're forcing him to stay in this country. He's obviously better in the short time that he was in Korea. And when he's with you, you start to fade away and become a hopeless person who no longer wants to live. You are slowly killing each other. If you love him, and yourself, let him go."

It's agonizing to think of divorcing my husband. We love each other dearly. But if I'm hurting him by keeping him with me, and hurting myself as well...is divorce really THE option for us...?

I'm pretty confused and wrecked inside. Any input would be helpful.

Thank you.

What does your husband think?

[Rhiannonsmoon]

bruinelle,

That is a sad situation to be in, but I can understand the advice you have been given; living away from Korea has caused major emotional and mental trauma for your husband and since he returned there his improvment proves that to be the case. However you can't by your own statement live in Korea for whatever reason, and he can't live out of Korea.

Divorce really is the only option if this is true. Sometimes loving someone means letting them go; I really wish you well in this very difficult situation,

Rhiannon

[bruinelle]

Originally Posted by TheByzantine

What does your husband think?

He's...unfortunately not very forthcoming with me. I would ask him, "Do you really want to live in America?" He'd hesitate and give one of the following responses:

1. Yes, of course.
2. Do you?
3. Well, you can't live in Korea, right?
4. I don't care where I live, as long as I'm with you.

From the little things he said here and there, I'm getting the sense that he pinned hopes of recovery on me. He said he was depressed before he met me, but the day we met and started dating, he became ecstatic. But when the realities of marriage, and responsibilities, fell into play, he quickly became immersed in the most severe bout of depression he's ever had.

Prior to coming to America, he would withdraw socially and feel down. But when he came here, he heard voices, attempted suicide, and was so severely depressed that it affected his physical mobility. He and his family both said he never went through something like that before, which is why I'm frightened that staying in America would...damage him to the point of no return.

[bruinelle]

Originally Posted by Rhiannonsmoon

bruinelle,

That is a sad situation to be in, but I can understand the advice you have been given; living away from Korea has caused major emotional and mental trauma for your husband and since he returned there his improvment proves that to be the case. However you can't by your own statement live in Korea for whatever reason, and he can't live out of Korea.

Divorce really is the only option if this is true. Sometimes loving someone means letting them go; I really wish you well in this very difficult situation,

Rhiannon

Thank you for your kind words, Rhiannon.

Is your husband seeing a therapist in Korea? If so, would you be able to attend a session with him to get some information from the therapist? Questions like:

1. Is your husband stable enough to try to live in America again?
2. Did your husband receive appropriate treatment in Australia and America?
3. Is your husband committed to getting better?
4. Is there anything you can do to help your husband?
5. Does the therapist agree your relationship with your husband is toxic?
6. Does he think divorce is the best option.

If the answers are not encouraging, I think you have done what you can to save the relationship. Perhaps because your husband was not forthright about his mental illness, you may be able to get an annulment?

Be well.

[bruinelle]

Originally Posted by TheByzantine

Is your husband seeing a therapist in Korea? If so, would you be able to attend a session with him to get some information from the therapist? Questions like:

If the answers are not encouraging, I think you have done what you can to save the relationship. Perhaps because your husband was not forthright about he mental illness, you may be able to get an annulment?

Be well.

Thank you so much for responding. It just...it's such a relief not to be alone in the void.

Yes, my husband is seeing a therapist in Korea. Unfortunately, the psychiatrist he saw in America didn’t speak Korean, and his weekly counseling sessions were conducted with a trainee. He is now seeing a Korean psychiatrist and going to psychotherapy. He is also less afraid to go outside because he’s more in control of the environment, since he’s familiar with his surroundings. Also, his family is there to force him to go outside, go on weekend trips, etc. I couldn’t do that in America because I was working all day. While I was at work, he was completely inactive. He wouldn’t even eat lunch unless I came home in the middle of the day to have lunch with him.

I unfortunately can’t go to Korea right now because I’m working 2 jobs in order to pay for the hospital bills as well as our living expenses. I did think about having a phone session with his psychiatrist, but I can’t speak Korean well enough to communicate effectively.

I *did* speak independently with his psychiatrist in America, and she said that he seemed to have had a pre-inclination towards passivity and allowing others to do things for him rather than problem solve or strive through problems on his own - which has been magnified hundrefold with his depression. Which is very true. He was dominated by his sister from a very young age, and she took care of many problems for him, effectively not allowing him to develop problem-solving skills in a comprehensive manner. She came to America when he got sick and stayed with us for months – and she was not only domineering but extremely abusive to me (not to him). She got drunk every week, said horrible things, cursed at everyone, and even once hit me on the head because she said I shouldn’t deny that I was pretty. Yeah, don’t ask – I have NO idea where that even came from!

In terms of him being committed to getting better…yes and no. I think he’s willing to go to treatment and take medication, but in America, he couldn’t push himself to do more. In Korea, he seems to be able to push himself a little bit more than here. The psychiatrist stated that his problem wasn't following the passive regimen of taking meds and attending counseling sessions. His problem was extreme fear and inability to find an inkling of motivation to fight his depression. She said he was perfectly capable of going back out into society little by little, but the only thing stopping him was his unwillingness to fight. She even asked him during one of our sessions whether the threat of divorce would be motivating enough for him to start fighting the depression, since he seemed to love me so much. He said it was enough of a motivation, but when we get home...nothing. For my birthday, he said he was going to cook a simple but special dinner. I didn't care about my birthday, but I saw it as a symbol of hope - he's motivating himself to do something, anything, on what he perceived to be a special occasion. But when I came back home from work that day...he had been sleeping all day. He'd done nothing, not even eat lunch. It was devastating because I'd built up hope that he was trying to fight his depression in an active way.

I tried everything I could to have him get better here in America that was within my power. When the psychiatrist recommended that he start working, my father and I found him a very easy job with my father’s friend, who knew about the situation and didn’t pressure my husband. Within 6 days, my husband quit. Sending him to Korea was a last resort for us – an “if all else fails” option.

If I divorce him, he’ll be devastated and perhaps backslide into depression. But if he stays with me…he might become like the dozens of Koreans I’ve seen who immigrated to the U.S., couldn’t cope, and fell into a depression that they couldn’t recover from. I’ve met several at church – they were never able to work again, and one of them is practically non-functional outside of his father’s guidance. I’m scared that, if he remains here, he’ll not only suffer through the horrible storm of depression…but that he won’t be able to have a full life.

I would miss him so dearly and painfully if we divorced. I love him – perhaps not as a husband, but as my companion and family. If I divorce him, his sister will most likely villainize me and forbid all contact. So…that would be it.

He’s such a good guy. He’s the kindest man I’ve ever met. My family is trying to be silent on their dislike for him, but I know that his lies have really scarred them. But despite the lies…I just can’t explain it…he’s one of the most kind-hearted and innately good people I’ve ever met. The idea of him not being able to smile again, to enjoy life the way he did (which was one of the reasons why I was so attracted to him in the first place), to lift his head up and be proud of who he is again… that devastates me more than anything else.

alea jacta est: the die is cast