[spartanchic]

Hi Everyone,

A little background on my current situation:

My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over six years. We met on an online dating site in April 2004. Later that same year, he was deployed to Iraq for 15 months. A couple of years after his return, I came across some pictures, letters, and gifts that revealed he had a girlfriend
(*Sally) the entire time he was away, while he was still involved with me. This of course came as a surprise, and I confronted him about it. Long story short, we decided to work through it and move on. He reassured me he was no longer on speaking terms with Sally and had no further interest in pursuing anything with her.

Not too long after this discussion, I was at my boyfriend's house and came across an oversized package from Sprint on his kitchen table. I was curious what was in it, so I took a peek, and in it was a stack of printed text messages that basically revealed that my boyfriend had been fooling around with Sally. I read through the messages, and to my disgust, I discovered that he had flown Sally out with him for a weekend getaway to visit his family in New Jersey. Just a side note, my boyfriend is not very close with his family and it took him nearly a year to bring me out there to meet them for the first time, and it was only after me pushing him to do so. I finally met them in August of 2006. The text messages I was reading were from February 2007. So just a few months after I had met everyone, he flew his ex girlfriend out with him to visit with his family. I was naive and never suspected he would do such a thing. When I knew he was planning a trip to NJ for that weekend, I expressed interest in going. I am a family-oriented person and enjoyed meeting his family during the summer and wanted to see them again. He told me it was just going to be a quick trip, and that there was no need for me to go. I was not happy with that response, but respected his decision and stayed back home.

He mentioned early on in our relationship that one of the reasons why he is not close with his family is because they're nosy, in particular, his Mother. Apparently his Mother grew very fond of Sally during the time they were together. During his deployment, they became very close, and have continued their friendship even after the relationship with my boyfriend ended. As for me, I get along with his family very well, although knowing how close Sally and his Mom are, makes me a little uncomfortable. My boyfriend hasn't approved of his Mother keeping in touch with his exes for sometime now, but apparently decided he was going to 'put down the hammer' on our relationship and set the pace. I basically have no communication with his Mom. He hasn't given me her phone number, email address, or anything. It was like pulling teeth to get her house address when I wanted to mail a Mother's Day card. I guess his reasoning is that he wants to prevent his Mother from getting attached to me like she has to the others. I usually only see his family once year, which is not often at all. It's upsetting for me because I feel like his Mother is much closer to his ex girlfriends, particularly Sally, than she is to me, his current girlfriend. He says he doesn't know how often Sally and his Mother even communicate, but regardless of the frequency, it's still more than the communication she and I have. He's made trips to visit his family without me, and while I don't expect him to bring me on every trip, due to the limited ones he makes, I like to go with. I've told him that it makes me look bad that I don't go with him to visit - it's not like we just started dating or anything. I've told him I don't want them to get a bad impression of me and think that I don't like them and that's why I stay home. I have no idea what he tells them about why I'm not there, but he always says his family loves me and asks about me all the time, and that they don't think that at all. So basically, I feel like his ex girlfriends have all had advantages over me to get to know his family better, in particular, his Mother. I fear that they think I just don't like them, and that's why they don't hear from me. The fact that Sally is talked to often is a concern.

This leads me to my current problem. My boyfriend is getting deployed this September to Kuwait for a year. He mentioned his Mother is thinking about coming to Michigan before he goes for a few days to visit. I told him I'd be glad to have her over for dinner, etc. I asked him what her plans would be when she comes to Michigan, and he hesitated and said that his Mother might want to visit Sally when she's here. When I heard this, it instantaneously upset me. I can understand and appreciate the fact that Sally and his Mother grew close when he was deployed five years ago. But thinking about his Mother and Sally getting together when she comes to Michigan gives me mixed feelings. I feel like my boyfriend and I can't seem to move forward in our relationship as long as the ex girlfriend is still in the picture getting updates from his Mother all the time, and him vice versa. I feel like shouldn't his Mother want to spend some time with me to get to know me better? I know that's what I'd like to do. I told my boyfriend that while I can't tell his Mother who she can and cannot be friends with, she needs to understand Sally is an ex for a reason. I asked my boyfriend if he's talked to his Mother and told him about how serious we are, meaning we've talked about marriage and has said he wants to be engaged before he gets deployed? He says his Mother knows, but I can't help but wonder if she really does? I feel like if his Mother knew how serious we were, why would she continue on this communication with Sally? I told my boyfriend I feel like his Mother likes Sally better in me, and that I am in a constant competition and am secretly being compared to her. I asked him if she thinks Sally is using his Mother to try and get back together with him, but of course, he denies it. It bothers me that Sally also knows about his deployment because I fear the same thing will happen again with his Mother and Sally becoming very close, and knowing Sally, she'll likely obtain his military address to keep in touch and mail him things like she used to when he went the first time.

In addition to all of this, I asked my boyfriend the last time he heard from Sally. He was ambiguous and said he 'thinks' she texted him at some point this year to ask how his Mom was. I'm thinking if Sally and his Mother are so close, why wouldn't she just ask his Mother for herself? I don't like the fact that Sally and my boyfriend are still communicating even though he always says 'I never hear from the girl.' He keeps telling me that they are done and he's not interested, yet he's said that before, and his text messages revealed something otherwise. When I asked him when the last time was that he saw her in person, he was again ambiguous, and said about a year ago. What??? For someone who said she was out of the picture, how is it possible you saw her a year ago?? My boyfriend has been having some financial problems and Sally used to work for a mortgage company. He told me that he met up with her after work so she could look at his paperwork, and she was able to give him advice to fix things so his payment could be lowered. Once I heard he had met with her behind my back, I told him I had heard enough and didn't want to talk to him anymore. Honestly, I can't imagine that Sally is the only financial consultant that he could go to in the entire state of Michigan for advice. I feel like my boyfriend could have invited me along to meet Sally to discuss his mortgage. Afterall, if we're thinking about marriage, seems only appropriate. She and I have never met, and I honestly have no idea if she even knows I exist. I would hope his Mother would have told her that her son is seriously dating me, but again, I have no idea what he's told her, either.

It's one thing if his Mom is insistent on communicating with his ex-girlfriend, but I feel like my boyfriend going behind my back to meet with her was just crossing the line. I'm at a point where I have little to no trust for him anymore, and I just feel hurt and disappointed by this whole situation. To top things off, there's a family reunion we're supposed to go to in NJ this weekend, and I had initially planned on going with my boyfriend, but now I have mixed feelings. I haven't talked to my boyfriend since this conversation went down last night, and it's because I have no idea what to say. If I were to tell him that I'd like to call Sally myself to express to her that I'm thinking of commiting myself to him on a marriage level and just wanted to clarify that things between the two of them are over? I have a feeling if I told him that, his response would be that's ridiculous or a flat out now, which in my opinion, would be a pretty good indication he wouldn't want me calling her because he's not letting on to what their communication really is.

Please help and be kind. I'd appreciate it.

spartanchic

[AAAAA]

Hello and welcome to PC! Originally from MI myself.

Perhaps I'm cynical, but after reading your post my first thought wasn't that he's concerned about you developing a relationship with his mother... at least not for the reasons he's giving. My first thought is that if you are communicating with his mother she may let something slip about his double life. Something sounds fishy in Venice.

[Rhiannonsmoon]

Hello spartanchic,

If you have proof he was fooling around with her in 2007 why haven't you told him that you know he flew her out to NJ and all of the emails etc? Theres something wrong here that deoesn't add up.

You have this information and you know he was seeing her and that he flew her into be with him and his parents but you've said nothing. If I found this out I'd be gone there would be no second chances because a cheater is a cheater.

You can't think that this guy is serious? He's been dating you for 6 years but he's been seeing Sally since before then and continuing to see her after then.

Go with him to the reunion and find out from his mother about Sally, if she's nosy she'll be only too happy to tell you about her and if she is still on the scene.

I wish you luck with this, you're more fogiving than I would be

Rhiannon

[spartanchic]

Originally Posted by Rhiannonsmoon

Hello spartanchic,

If you have proof he was fooling around with her in 2007 why haven't you told him that you know he flew her out to NJ and all of the emails etc? Theres something wrong here that deoesn't add up.

You have this information and you know he was seeing her and that he flew her into be with him and his parents but you've said nothing. If I found this out I'd be gone there would be no second chances because a cheater is a cheater.

You can't think that this guy is serious? He's been dating you for 6 years but he's been seeing Sally since before then and continuing to see her after then.

Go with him to the reunion and find out from his mother about Sally, if she's nosy she'll be only too happy to tell you about her and if she is still on the scene.

I wish you luck with this, you're more fogiving than I would be

Rhiannon

Hi there,

Thanks for the reply. To answer your question, I've confronted my boyfriend on everything I've discovered during the time we've been together that has pointed to the fact he had been cheating on me with Sally. A big part of the problem is that he is and has been my only boyfriend. I had a strict childhood so I had no prior dating experience before him. Everything I've experienced with him I've gone through blindly, and really hadn't been able to find that self respect for myself when he's done things as mentioned above in case you're wondering why I've stuck around. I've tried to forgive him and move on, but now that this situation has come up, I can't help but think the same thing you are: once a cheater, always a cheater? My friends think going to the reunion would be a good idea so I can talk to his Mom privately and ask questions about Sally... find out if they are still seeing each other, if she still has feelings for him or vice versa, plans to get back together, etc. His Mother and I have never sat down to have a conversation like this as everytime I see her which is once a year, it's just surface talk. I would imagine her conversations with Sally are much more involved than that. So I don't know. I still haven't decided what's best to do. The thought crossed my mind to call Sally myself and ask her what's going on. I don't know.

The relationship is not in good shape if you have to talk to others to determine whether he is telling you the truth.

[AAAAA]

Relationships can be repaired after an affair, but several things have to happen first. 1) You must get to the source of the problem and actively work on it. 2) The cheater must be sincerely sorry for the behavior and last, but probably the most important 3) The cheater must understand that the other person in the relationship will have trust issues and be willing to be open and above board on everything from there on out.

I am very sorry that you are having self esteem issues. In my opinion the only way this relationship will ever really work is if you are able to get answers that make sense from him. Not BS answers. Mom and Sally have no vested interest in telling you the truth. As Moon stated, there are many things that aren't adding up.

Not a single one of us is perfect, we all have our faults. Sometimes loved ones hurt our feelings unintentionally, but if you are looking at this relationship as a long term one, trust is one thing that is non-negotiable.

[lynn P.]

To be honest - I don't think his ex girlfriend is an ex. He fooled around on her with you and he's continuing a relationship with her. He wants to keep distance between you and his mother because she likes Sally and they consider you the 'other woman'. Sally had him 1st. Your boyfriend, Sally and his mother know all about this -enabling him. Clearly he has 2 women - no doubt. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news.

[NuckingFutz]

I know this is your first relationship. All relationships are different. This guy is not trust worthy. Successful relationships are based on trust. He blew it. I would start dating other men. This guy, I would not trust enough to jump in a foxhole with. He is deceitful enough to get both our assets blown up. I am sorry that you are having to go through this.

i tend to agree with lynn p. on this one. i think it's quite possible he's still seeing sally. i would not stay with him and if you marry him i think he will likely cheat on you. i'm really sorry for your situation.

[Rhiannonsmoon]

Yes I agree with everyones summations. He isn't honest and I think that just you having to sneek looks at his private mail says volumes about the relationship. If you've been seeing each other for 6yrs then there is something really wrong here.

You should take hold of the batton and run with it (no judgement for hitting him with it either)...There are lots of other men in this world and I would want one who is not going to have another girlfriend in another town or at his mothers place...

This would make my blood boil and it should evoke something like that in you...don't let fear trap you into a relationship that could turn into a marriage that could turn into a marriage with kids that only ends up in divorce because you can't take it any more

[spartanchic]

Thanks everyone for the feedback. I've read all the comments and appreciate you all taking the time to give me advice on my situation. I hate the fact that I've even been put in this situation. I guess it is true and everything happens for a reason.

[Perna]

I don't see your boyfriend as mature (or settled) enough to settle down and marry. If you really like him, not just the idea of him and having someone who you could marry, I would go back to being "a girlfriend" instead of prospective finance and see what develops during this next tour. I would also date others while he's away (but write, send him packages, etc.). That you all have been messing around this long seems a little iffy to me; it's my experience that exclusive love, both people want to be with the other all the time (and don't have time for flying alternate girlfriends to visit parents so they can "vote").

I agree with you that the mother and other girlfriend are too complicated to mess with, that that situation is not as you would want or deserve before marriage to this guy. I have a 33 year old stepson who has serious girlfriends for many years and we all get attached and hope they marry (the last one) but when they break up, it wouldn't occur to me or his mother to contact the old one after he brings around the new. We might talk amongst each other (other brothers, sister-in-law, father, etc.) as to which we prefer but we go with the flow, it's his life.