[lepter2003]

I have been married for 4 years. Before marriage my family were Ok with my husband but he wasn't that friendly to them and I wasn't smart enough to pick on that.
After 3 years of marriage my mother have lent us all the money she owns and she came to live with us. She doesn't speak good english and we speak our own language when she needs to speak. Which my husband doesn't know and refuses to learn. After a while she asked for her money to move out but somewhere in the miscommunication fiasco, she and my husband had different expectations and had a big fight. She claims he started being physical (pushed her) & he claims she started it when she spat at him so he spat back (there were nobody to witness). The fights got worse and worse until we paid her off and she left.
Now she and my husband don't speak.
She came to our house and when he opened the door she pushed him and came talking to me since I had a surgery at the time and then left.
She lives with my sister few miles away and I get to see them few times a week.
My husband hates that and tells me every hour I spend with them is time taken from spending with him. He says she should apologize for being so vile. She says she doesn't want to deal with him ever again. I am stuck in the middle.
Financial problems and my losing my job and not being able to get a job for a whole year then moving to a different state because of his work made things worse for me. (my mom and sister moved here too)
Now he wants us to move few cities away so I don't run to them every now and then.
My family are immigrants (political asylees) and we have no family but the three of us here in the US. They ask my help when they are in a rut and my husband gets angry and says it is not my job to help them. In fact they shouldn't ask me in the first place.
I enjoy having them close since I don't have work and I don't have any friends.
My husband doesn't have any friends either and he believes having friends is a fantasy, since they never come through when we need them.
He accuses me all the time of being angry and nasty. I tell him that I am not angry but he simply pushes the issue over and over.
He is always complaining from being in pain, being tired and all he wants to do is watch TV and rest.
I am at a point where I even lost sexual desire and lost all kinds of interest in the world. I feel hollow and insignificant.
Taking care of my old mom makes me feel good about myself. But it angers me how she doesn't want to talk to my husband. I told her how I feel and she said it is my choice to stay with him and it is her choice to not talk to or deal with him. My husband says my mom is a manipulative woman and she is lazy since she doesn't have a job and he wants me to show her that he is my priority.

We owe my sister $15,000 and my husband delays paying it (we are in a tight financial situation) but instead of saying that she is kind to be patient on us he says my sister and her husband are losers and my sister is a stupid and unmotivated person. While my sister and her husband try to bring us food, gifts, invite us outside, invite us to their house to make him feel like family. My husband wants nothing to do with them and keeps saying negative things about them.
My sister had a baby and my husband didn't go to see her at the hospital and didn't even call her or send her a card. He said he couldn't with my mother being there.
Now we argue all the time. Over anything and he gets all sensitive and annoyed even if they call me. He wants to know what they wanted and why are they calling.
I am at loss!

[lynn P.]

Hi leptor2003,
welcome to PC. You're in a very tough position and I'm sorry you're in the middle. It's not fair for you to choose sides and they have to understand this, particularly your husband. He sounds too controlling IMO.

Even if your mom asked inappropriately he should have been the better person - he shouldn't have become physical with her. Your husband should be more respectful considering your family has lent you both money. A person shouldn't treat people who have lent him money like crap.

He shouldn't expect you to alienate yourself from your family. I think the only way to solve this is with counseling unless he and your mother could agree to let the matter go. Don't let him convince you not to see your family

[Perna]

Hi, Leptor, welcome to PsychCentral (PC). I am sorry your husband and mother and rest of the family don't get along.

If I were in your position, I would set my own boundaries so your husband didn't speak ill of your family in your hearing, but neither did your mother speak ill of your husband. I would figure out a payment plan to repay my sister all that money and get it "automated" so the bank did it. My stepsons owe my husband and me money and checks arrive from a third party to pay on it regularly, like any other bill. That way there doesn't have to be argument or decisions on whether or not to pay this month, etc. Even if it is only $10 or $25 a month for now, I'd set it up like any other bill and then you wouldn't have to argue about it.

I would try to tease your husband into a better mood about your family; when he says that you are taking away from him by visiting them, I would invite him again to come with you but have the boundary that you are going, they're your family and as much as you'd like him to come along, he can do as he likes and so will you. Both he and your mother are behaving poorly and I might point out to your mother than your husband won't join in the family's celebrations because she won't apologize for her part in the argument. No one else can solve it though except the two of them but the rest of you should not hold yourselves hostage to their bad behavior and should continue to see one another.

[marjan]

Honesty, I feel your husband is so selfish....first of all your mother is your mother and she will stay your mother for rest of your life no matter what....however, your husband is your husband now and he can be just an ex later on....by that I mean, he got to understand the unconditional love between a mother and a daughter....and the love that you have for him is just conditional....
and of course he has to come to your mother and ask for merci....he's the one who got to apologize I believe....
I understand exactly what you are coming from, because I'm an immigrant too and my parents are coming and visiting us....now my dad passed away, but mom was here just couple of months ago....there are lots of mis-communication between her and my brother-in-law....however, my brother-in-law who is American has never done or said anything rude to her....
I think it's very important to have the love of your family....I know how hard it is for you now....but stay strong and keep your relationship with your family....they are the ones that will love you very much....
take care
Marjan

[Rhiannonsmoon]

Hello leptor,

If it were me I would be out of there in a shot! He has, as any abuser would has isolated you from your family. He ASSAULTED your mother! He is disgusting to your sister and will remain so because he owes her money. Your husband is the loser, I'd be off like a a bucket of prawns in the sun!