[JNL1979]

I'm a 30 year old female. I remained a virgin until the age of 20, at which time I was involved with my 31 year old boss (who was married, but going through a separation). He was a manager of a nightclub and into drugs and the whole "going out" scene. I was naive and fell head over heels for him... even though I knew in my heart that he was bad news. I couldn't share our relationship with most of my friends or family, because I was ashamed. We were together for a little over a year, until I found out (through his email account) that he had cheated on me with a mutual friend. I was completely devastated and heart broken. I had been so involved with him, that I lost contact with all my girlfriends... so I spent many lonely nights in my room bawling my eyes out and wondering why I wasn't good enough or what I could have done different to make him stay around.

Fast forward... a couple of years later, I moved to another state and an interest for women began. I've had 4 serious girlfriends since him and dated a few men here and there. I have a fear of dating men, expecially when it comes to intimacy.

EVERY serious relationship I've ever been in has been a secret to at least a few people, if not more, in my life. Also, might I add... EVERY relationship has started out with me becoming involved with someone who is already in a relationship. I never go for single people... and the only sense I can make of that in my head is that I have such an intense fear of cheating. I figure that if I date someone who already has a boyfriend or girlfriend, they can't cheat on me. Does that make sense?

I also don't consider myself gay... I am attracted to both males and females, but I think my attraction to relationships with women is that they can't lead to marriage (legally, at least). Does this mean I have a fear of commitment?

I want nothing more than to marry a man, settle down, and have lots of children... but I feel like until I work through all these issues, it will never happen. I'm not getting any younger and my biological clock is starting to tick. Can anyone help me make sense of my crazy past and how it affects me today? I'd be most grateful.

Thanks in advance.

[JNL1979]

I also want to add:

My parents do not know about him or any of the four girls I have dated. They are against homosexuality and would be DEVASTATED if they knew.

The reason I am writing today is because I have been in a relationship for 3 months now, and I just shared this part of my past with the girl I'm dating last night. Instead of being accepting, she was completely shocked and felt like I was a stranger to her. She couldn't believe I hadn't shared this with her sooner and told me that it raised a lot of red flags for her. One, being the thought of me having STDs (since I dated a married man) and two, being the fact that I always am attracted to people in relationships (her, being one of them). She asked me if it was a game... as in, let's see who I can homewreck and end up keeping them. I told her that was not the case, and that my life was not a game. When we initially started dating, she was in a relationship of 1.5 years... they broke up after about 8 weeks of us being together (behind her girlfriend's back). Agh, I'm having anxiety just writing all of this!!!

Originally Posted by JNL1979

I'm a 30 year old female. I remained a virgin until the age of 20, at which time I was involved with my 31 year old boss (who was married, but going through a separation). He was a manager of a nightclub and into drugs and the whole "going out" scene. I was naive and fell head over heels for him... even though I knew in my heart that he was bad news. I couldn't share our relationship with most of my friends or family, because I was ashamed. We were together for a little over a year, until I found out (through his email account) that he had cheated on me with a mutual friend. I was completely devastated and heart broken. I had been so involved with him, that I lost contact with all my girlfriends... so I spent many lonely nights in my room bawling my eyes out and wondering why I wasn't good enough or what I could have done different to make him stay around.

Fast forward... a couple of years later, I moved to another state and an interest for women began. I've had 4 serious girlfriends since him and dated a few men here and there. I have a fear of dating men, expecially when it comes to intimacy.

EVERY serious relationship I've ever been in has been a secret to at least a few people, if not more, in my life. Also, might I add... EVERY relationship has started out with me becoming involved with someone who is already in a relationship. I never go for single people... and the only sense I can make of that in my head is that I have such an intense fear of cheating. I figure that if I date someone who already has a boyfriend or girlfriend, they can't cheat on me. Does that make sense?

I also don't consider myself gay... I am attracted to both males and females, but I think my attraction to relationships with women is that they can't lead to marriage (legally, at least). Does this mean I have a fear of commitment?

I want nothing more than to marry a man, settle down, and have lots of children... but I feel like until I work through all these issues, it will never happen. I'm not getting any younger and my biological clock is starting to tick. Can anyone help me make sense of my crazy past and how it affects me today? I'd be most grateful.

Thanks in advance.

[Rhiannonsmoon]

Hello JNL,

This is way complicated. I think you need to deal with one thing at a time. Only you can choose which one, but I would go back to the first relationship and start there.

I don't think a person being in a relationship means that they can't cheat on you, lets face it you are already inciting them to cheat so I think it is more of a power and control issue. If you can get them to leave their partner for you then you prove to yourself that you are worthy, whether they are male or female. And if you are bisexual that will never change, whether you are married or not.

I'll have a think on this and I'll repost later,

Cheers,

Rhiannon

[jenkins09]

Sounds like fear of commitment and real intimacy. You dont have to truly commit to someone who is already taken so you pursue people in relationships. Is this an ego boost to you? Do you for lack of a better word, "get off" on knowing that you were able to seduce someone who is married?

Do you have abandonment issues? mom or dad bail on you emotionally, physically as a kid? some things to think about. Please stop pursuing people in relationships, you cant feel good about yourself when doing this. Good luck.

[NuckingFutz]

I think this relationship issue is so important that it really needs to be addressed in therapy. Both in the way you approch your relationships and how to reach your goal of marrying a man and having lots of children without hurting anyone else. As far as your sexual orientation, if the woman's family does not know that she is dating someone of the same sex, that is usually a deal breaker for me. How far could a relationship go? How would you spend family time? These are things to definately explore with a therapist. I just watched a video of my neice's wedding tonight...both her and her legally wedded wife were just beautiful! Best of luck to you!

[El-ahrairah]

Um I'd avoid taken people.
If they are willing to cheat on their spouse/person they're going steady with what makes you think they wont cheat on you, ya know??

[Perna]

I don't know about the cheating; It sounds to me like more a fear of intimacy? You don't get in a relationship where anyone can know you completely and where you're vulnerable (to cheating or marriage/life partner). Do you have a therapist who you can discuss your fears with? I don't know if you want to change your behavior and, if you do, in what way?

[JNL1979]

It is absolutely not an ego boost... I think dating someone who is already involved just seems "safer" to me, for lack of better words. I'm so terrified of someone cheating on me, I'd just rather avoid dating a single person all together.

My mom and dad have been married for 32 years and have always been there for me... so I can't say I have any abandonment issues there.

I would very much so like to stop pursuing people in relationships, it's not something I'm proud of.

Originally Posted by jenkins09

Sounds like fear of commitment and real intimacy. You dont have to truly commit to someone who is already taken so you pursue people in relationships. Is this an ego boost to you? Do you for lack of a better word, "get off" on knowing that you were able to seduce someone who is married?

Do you have abandonment issues? mom or dad bail on you emotionally, physically as a kid? some things to think about. Please stop pursuing people in relationships, you cant feel good about yourself when doing this. Good luck.

A married man you had a relationship with "cheated" on you. The trauma was so difficult to deal with you avoid dating singles, even though it was a married man that cheated. Now, you are an enabler to those who do what terrifies you because you feel safer. Yet, you want nothing more than to marry a man, settle down, and have lots of children.

Appears to me to be a trust issue. You cannot trust a single person. So, you do what you are not proud of with people you have less reason to trust than many singles.

I wish you well in therapy.

[marjan]

very interesting.....my philosophy is totally different than yours....I believe that the cheater would remain a cheater for rest of his/her life....and if somebody dates with me while cheating on his partner, then he's a cheater and not trust worthy at all....

The guy or woman who easily broke his/her relationship and go with you would do the same to you then....Actually, those who are in a relationship already and they cheat are the ones to not trust and be afraid of.....

If I were you, I would have taken myself away from any relationship till I sort things out in my head....

take care of yourself
Marjan

[Belle1979]

Okay trigger post for me.. need to write something tho...

When I was trying to understand my ex and his new girlfriends behaviour (she pursued him even though he was in a relationship with me) I spoke a lot with my T about how i would never want to be the 'other woman' in a relationship.. that I didn't understand what motivates someone to break up a relationship by offering themselves to some one who is in a relationship.
My T put is in simple words (going on past experience he has had with many many patients)... they were along the lines o,f the person in the relationship (especially a steady happy relationship) seems like a good catch as they have already proven they can sustain a relationship and therefore make a good partner..
Hope this makes some sense as I can't get the words in my head to flow easily into print..
So maybe just by approaching people in relationbships it is because of the 'safer'.. 'steady' nature of them.

Personally my mind would always go back to.. well they cheated to be with me.. so when the next person who pursues them comes along.. the same thing is going to happen.

Cheating is wrong no matter what motivates it... You really should see a professional and talk about what are underlying issues I think.

[JNL1979]

Thanks for all the advice everyone... I have stopped dating the girl I talked about in my first post, we were together for almost 5 months. My trust issues just got WAY out of hand and I found myself being mean to her for even the smallest things. I'm now beginning to think that maybe I have abandonment AND trust issues... now the hunt for a therapist begins.

Originally Posted by Belle1979

Okay trigger post for me.. need to write something tho...

When I was trying to understand my ex and his new girlfriends behaviour (she pursued him even though he was in a relationship with me) I spoke a lot with my T about how i would never want to be the 'other woman' in a relationship.. that I didn't understand what motivates someone to break up a relationship by offering themselves to some one who is in a relationship.
My T put is in simple words (going on past experience he has had with many many patients)... they were along the lines o,f the person in the relationship (especially a steady happy relationship) seems like a good catch as they have already proven they can sustain a relationship and therefore make a good partner..
Hope this makes some sense as I can't get the words in my head to flow easily into print..
So maybe just by approaching people in relationbships it is because of the 'safer'.. 'steady' nature of them.

Personally my mind would always go back to.. well they cheated to be with me.. so when the next person who pursues them comes along.. the same thing is going to happen.

Cheating is wrong no matter what motivates it... You really should see a professional and talk about what are underlying issues I think.

[rohshall]

By the way, you may also want to explore whether you are bisexual. If you are, it is perfectly OK. Just stay away from overly religious/judgemental people