Nervous, relationship thing...

Here's the thing. I have been sober for 15 months now. When I got sober I focused solely on myself and containing the crazy that is me. I have known this guy for almost two years now. I have always liked him. Long story short it turns out he likes me too. He seems sweet, everyone is telling me he is in fact, a good guy. I have seen the way he treated his ex girlfriend and he was pretty nice to her. I have flirted and talked to guys but I never opened up to them or put any kind of investment in them in the last year. It gets worse though. When I was drugging since 13 to 17. (I'm 18 now) I ended up in a 3 year relationship followed by a 4 month relationship. Both of which were very very abusive. I can describe my loves as quite tumultuous, emotionally draining and a wild f***ed up broken down roller coaster with a broken off switch. So nowadays, I have been making excuses but I think it is necessary to force myself back in the game or else it will never happen if I don't make an effort.
The thing is I am nervous as f***. I don't want to go back to my crazy default. I do feel like I am in fact a very rational person (except of course when he comes around and triggers every physiological response in my body to run away rampant with my hormones!! LoL) but I am really scared though. I know nervousness is normal but sometimes, I feel like I am sort of "damaged." I know I am in fact a very worthwhile and interesting person but I still feel different from others at times because of all I have been through. I feel like no one should have to deal with my past because at times it bleeds out into the present. I suppose I will be honest here. I am just fearful of getting screwed over, and hurt again. That's why I have stayed out of the game. I don't really have a healthy relationship to model after. Also, you know that saying, "I won't be in any club that will have me." Well, I am fearful of people I like because I wonder why I like them or they like me. I know guys and abusers in particular are good at picking up on that "vulnerable" she has been abused vibe. My turn. Then I wonder if I like someone because they subconsciously model behaviors of abuse after my father and exes. The cycle continues.
I feel better now having getting that off my chest. I'm not asking the world of this situation, just a way to throw me back in the game and learn about relationships I suppose. Maybe pull down my wall a bit. At the very least throw out some of those screaming hormones with a make-out session or two. Lol. He's cute ya know.
Anyway if anyone has any advise, or would like to throw in their opinion into the whole situation. I don't mind at all.
BYE!

Well, you know yourself very well and the fact that there are guys out there that have an instinct to pick up on vunerable females.

Your sobriety is the most important thing.....remember, first things first. Don't rush into anything.

Best wishes,

I couldn't read all of that is it wasn't broken up into short paragraphs. But I'll tell you what I did pick out and what it I say about it.

YES you do!

This is THE best model to use