Addictive relationship

So, I must confess on myself.

Yesterday, same cycle. I got off work, and got the urge to call my ex.
So, I called a friend and told on myself. Got some support. "Don't call him!"
Went jogging. Went swimming. Got dressed. And got in the car to run errands.
And, I got this surge of righteous female energy, as I was jogging I kept chanting,
"Nobody owns me," to push my run. And, I want my key back!

To me, in lieu of wedding rings, giving back the key is a huge symbolic act.
It means that you are literally letting go of that relationship.
And he would not give me back my key.

So, jumped up from my run, centered in my power, I felt this kind of ownership.
It is my life. I want it back. I own me. So, I called him and got him on the phone
and let him rant on again about all of my defects until I got to his door.

And he let me in. I was neutral, and agreeable, and friendly.
And we chatted for five minutes, and he ran out of steam.
So, then he said, "What do you want?"
And I said, "I want my key back."

And he lied and said again that he had thrown it away.
And his keys were sitting on the coffee table, so I picked them up
and checked the teeth on his keys to mine, and lo and behold,
found my key.

He went to grab it, but stopped and restrained himself.
And I took it back.
And left.

My legs were literally shaking. I knew this was partly from the run and
Partly from the fear. And I said, "Now you see, that is closure."
And he said "Bye." and turned his back and stared out the window.

And I went to my car and ran my errands and did not check my phone.
Ownership is a scary thing. It is a good thing.
I don't know why whenever I get into a relationship, I give it away.
I don't know why it is so hard to take it back.

But, I noticed all day as I walked through it, I had my chin held high.
And met people in the eye, which is very unusual for an
Avoidant personality type like me.

Last night, I came home after my meeting and coffee with friends
And guess who was pulling out of my apartment complex?
My ex. He said he had my Buddhism book and wanted to give it to me.
I wondered why he had not just left it at my door.

But I knew why. He was doing a "drive-by".
To see if I was home or out. To see if he saw my car.
And I knew then his mind would tell him, that is why she wants the key back.
She is dating someone else. Forget her. Et cetera.

And he was embarrassed, like he had been caught with his pants down.
But, I was okay. Friendly. Neutral. Agreeable. Rational. Not triggered.
Okay, a little excited. Happy to see him. I was actually overwhelmed by
How happy I was to see him, and how much I wanted to invite him in.

But, thankfully, he backtracked. Bigtime. And said he had a friend in the ER
whom we both know and we were able to chat about that instead.
He gave me my book and left.

And I thought, this is how divorced people must feel when they drop off the kids.
That old tugging at the heartstrings, that almost innate response to
Want to hug and hold that person as soon as you see them.

You have got to love that limbic system.
And then the cortex kicks in, and rational thought takes over again.
And I went home. Did not check my phone. (okay once.)
Did not text or call. (wanted to.)

I did call and leave a message this morning about our friend in the hospital.
(A little backslide.) Progress not perfection.

So, here I am telling on myself again.
I have been thinking about my borderline as if it were cancer.
And I am in remission. On a daily basis I have to work to keep it that way.
Whew. I will be glad when this thread is done.

Thanks for listening.

Serenity! You're doing SO awesome!! I just read the last three posts of yours, and they sound so much better, you sound so healthy and happy compared to when you began! I really hope that you can keep this up and make all of this just a past life. I really liked the way you went to get your key back, that was very good! You needed to take the initiative to get closure, so good job! Keep it up Serenity, I'm so happy for you!!

Hello, serenity4559. Good luck.

You are truly a strong person Serenity! I wish I had a friend like you

Serenity you truly are wel on your way to being serenity in nature and name. So very proud of you and happy for you. If there was an award for who made the best progress this month you would definitely win it. Keep at it hon you are winning

Thanks Rhiannon, Neri and Savvy!

I really appreciate all the support. I don't know why it is so hard to detach from this guy but it has definitely been a struggle.

I knew that after I got my key back it was time to let go, but my brain did not want to agree. I wish I could say that since that day I have maintained my boundaries and not called him, but it seems the closer I get to letting go, the more messages and urges I got to call him every day. So, the past ten days has been difficult, to say the least. Every day I would tell myself, Don't call him. And every day I would fail. So frustrating.

Thankfully, my friends have been super supportive. So, everytime I called him, I told on myself to a friend. This helped alot! Confession is such a powerful tool. Secrecy, guilt, shame, craving...these are all strong emotions, and confessing it to a friend seems to deflate the balloon. Once I share how I feel with a friend, I wouldn't say it cures me, but it does help, and makes me accountable?

Anyway, I was getting pretty bad. Last week I was talking to him on a daily basis. Luckily, he was his old self, manipulative. Only this year, I was able to see it for what it was, plain old emotional blackmail. So, I just kept telling on myself every day for a week!
Embarassing but effective! Also, my friends started encouraging me to actively start dating again, or at least, start talking to guys, healthy guys, that is.

So, for two weeks, I made an effort to go to new meetings, meet friends for coffee, etc.
And guess what? I met a guy, a nice guy. Who seems healthy. I don't think anything will come of it, but it was just so nice to know that healthy is possible. And my brain seems to believe it, because the urge to call my ex has just disappeared. Poof, like that. Okay, it took about three days.

This new guy I met took me out for lunch, and it was nice. No boundary violations, no sense of urgency, I didn't feel pushed, or rushed. Just talk. Some flirting. I got the sense of being measured, and found to be acceptable, authentic, appealing.

It was weird. Does healthy feel weird at first? I think so. I was a little nervous. But, it made me think and compare it to my courtship last year with my ex. There was a feeling of dangerous excitement, urgency, to it. Maybe that was the hook?

I also feel a little embarrassed to admit that it took my brain getting the message that there was hope of someone new and healthy on the horizon for it to finally stop tugging me back towards the old dysfunction, triggers, and urges to call my ex. But, what is that saying, I am a sick person trying to get well, not a bad person trying to be good?

And last year when I did not date after we broke up, but was just celibate and depressed, I thought about dating other guys but none of them had that thing that makes you perk up when you meet someone who could be special to you.

It's funny. Mating, attraction, courtship. These are things I will never understand.
All I know is that I knew I was slipping backwards instead of going forwards, and I did not know how to stop the slide. And now just because I felt that spark, and got some hope for a positive future, that whole repeating loop in my brain, well, it just stopped.

So, I am hoping and praying for now that I am successfully through the withdrawal phase! I don't think of him first thing in the morning when I wake up and last thing at night before sleeping like I did every day for a month. I don't get urges every night at work to text or call him anymore. There is no sadness, or feelings of longing that were haunting me non-stop.

It is bizarre because when I was in the middle of my mourning period over him, it just felt like I will always feel this way. I felt like a grieving widow. I felt like I would always be alone, sad and depressed. And then as I started taking action, to exercise, go tanning, go to new meetings, meet friends for coffee, and finally start flirting again with nice guys, I would get moments, periods of happy feelings, and thoughts of hope. Followed by old triggers, cravings and urges when I was tired, lonely, weak.

Being sober and in recovery, I should know all this stuff, the process of withdrawal, etc. But knowing it in my head, and struggling through it again emotionally are two different things. I even stopped posting because I could feel myself "romancing the drink" as we call it, and I thought, here we go again.

And now I am posting ten days later, and I am healed! Amazing. So, I hope and pray and think that in a week, I will post and there will be nothing new to report. I look forward to archiving this thread and pronouncing myself fully recovered! Then I can just help the newcomer, wow, that would be nice!

Serenity, I am SO happy for you!!! I was beginning to get a bit worried, we hadn't heard from you in awhile! But I see I was mistaken, no need to worry about you at all! You've come such a long way in ten days, I hope the next ten days are just as great!! I really hope that you can find a wonderful, healthy man who understands all about you and is willing to stand by your side no matter what, and be on your side, not fighting against you the whole way like your ex seems to have.

You definitely deserve this Serenity! Keep it going hon!!