[AmDaws]

I'm weak. I cry all the time. I'm accusational in relationships, even though I'm almost positive I'm correct in the things I accuse. I'm ignored and shoved aside. I'm loved in the beginning, but then whoever I'm with just starts to see me as a dirty old rag that needs to be thrown out and replaced. It happens every ****ing time I let myself trust another person, but of course, telling them so makes me self-centered, accusing, and weak.

I can't trust anyone in this world. I've been told I mean everything to someone, I've been told I'd be loved forever and always, I've even been told I'm a soulmate. And here I am, alone, shoved aside, stepped on, ignored and hated.

I'm too much of a coward to even commit suicide. All I can hope is that I'll luck out and cross Death's meandering path.

[AmDaws]

Unfortunately I can't seem to delete this.
Sorry folks. I was under the influence of depression.
Bahaha.
It's all about a change of perception, right?

[QUEEN OF WANDS]

hi AmDaws..i have all those feelings as well...i have gone through alot of crap.....i dont know the answer ... but why i am commenting is because i just read both your posts and you do the exact same thing as i do...i will write (or say ) something and then a little while later regret it , like you should have never written it...i end up feeling very stupid...but i hope you do not feel bad because these are real feelings and if we dont ask questions(even if only to our selves sometimes) than we will never acknowledge it and drive ourselves mad or continue the same pattern...i dont know,,but i hope you are feeling better...i do wonder about how one can feel so distraught and verbalize(or write)something then a bit later want to take it all back tho...

[AmDaws]

Yeah, I hate that tendency to second-guess myself, but I suppose it is normal and healthy. You say something that feels so true and from the heart. Then an hour later, you re-examine it and feel like a complete juvenile for being so weak.

I guess once you get those first nasty feelings out, they're out, and you can alter the way you see what's going on. The conflict you faced may not be gone but you see it in a new light and it suddenly looks so easy, so simple.

I'm still facing the same conflict and it still hurts but this time I'm standing above it, instead of letting myself be smothered by it.

[Rhiannonsmoon]

((((((((Dearest Am)))))))),

I'm sorry you had to go through that again. Please understand that you are cared about and that you do matter a great deal. But as you said going through the dark has the benefit of walkling out into the light where things take on a different perspective and we can see more than we felt. Sending you lots of hugs and squishes,

Rhiannon

[AmDaws]

Thank you, both of you. Being a part of this community really does help. I can't vent anywhere else anymore, it hurts the people I love and they don't deserve that.

But I'm okay.
This is definitely the hardest break up I've had, and I've been through about 8 now, not to include the massive crushes I've had that ended in embarrassing rejection. But I'm not trying to mope right now.

I know this relationship is over for good. We're still friends though I know a bit of distance is an important step to maintaining our friendship at this point in time. I'm learning to accept that.

It hurts like hell but I've got my head above water and I'm in control for the first time in a long time. It's a great feeling.

Thank you again for the support and kind words. <3<3