[byfnvy]

People are really super nice and all, and they seemed to be happy that I was able to join them, and I guess I even enjoyed myself. But I just felt awkward, like I shouldn't even be around, like it would have been better for everyone if I hadn't been there.

I don't like the way I present myself sometimes, especially with people I don't know too well. Yet it's just the natural way I react. Either I blabber on about myself too much, or I just keep silent and really might as well not be there at all. My heart is palpitating now, and I feel like crying.

I feel uncomfortable when put in these social situations. Sometimes I open up pretty easily, but other times I just feel awful and want to go home. I kind of want everyone to just ignore me, so they won't have to be bothered with entertaining me or accompanying me or whatever. Yet when it happens, I do feel bad, even if it was what I wanted.

I often get a strong feeling that I don't belong, and I want out.

[Rhiannonsmoon]

Hello by,

I understand your meaning and I know what it feels like. Feeling like the 5th wheel or the raincoat on a hot sunny day, or a bikini in a boardroom. But eventually it dissolves and goes away when we become comfortable with ourself and who we are. Give it time and give yourself the benefit of the doubt and allow yourself to just relax and be who you are,

Rhiannon

[serenity4559]

WOW! I loved your post. Because you are describing how I feel like over fifty percent of the time, and pretty much sums up my feelings towards my life and my anxiety disorder and everything. What I can say is that is does get better with time. That there is an upside to being a person who feels intensely, other than horrible awkward shyness. That there is a reason I think that we feel this way. And that I think people like us are special.
I have always been very good one on one with people, very empathic, a good listener, good insight...but put me in a crowd, new social situation, or watch me getting humiliated by my peers and it can be a painful thing to watch. I just have no defense. I know I need to toughen up, but...I choose to protect myself from situations that overwhelm me, and I am happy to find that I have grown more self-confident as I grow older. In my twenties, I was mortified. In my thirties, I was ashamed. Now, I am sometimes overwhelmed but have some excellent coping skills and navigate my way through the social anxiety by choosing whom I hang with and if I feel comfortable with them, etc. I made alot of poor decisions as a kid, and even more as an adult. Is my new balance just the result of time and experience? Yup, I think it is. I hope you know that no thought you have about yourself, the embarrassment, the self-doubting, etc. defines you as a person. You are free to define yourself, and boost yourself up, and be your own best friend (even when i have PMS and pizza face and an extra ten pounds!). Keep on posting, girl.

[byfnvy]

"...people like us are special." I liked that! :3 I have to admit, I kind of felt the same as what I had described in my original post shortly after posting it, that I shouldn't be here, that I had just needed to vent and didn't need to post it publicly. But your replies really made me feel a whole lot better, so thanks, thanks for the understanding, the advice, the encouragement, the support for who I am :D