[DragonSong]

my husband and i have been together since 1993 been married since 99..he knows all about my depression and other health problems very well..so he tells me to talk to him when I need to and he will listen..I do that..he says no you don't I tell him its the same ole thing everytime...I tell him whats wrong and he doent listen..he hears but doesnt listen...then wonders why i end up in trouble...how do you get someone to listen to your problems before you go over board and do something you may regret later?

[lynn P.]

Welcome to PC. It sounds like you have a nice husband. I think men get confused sometimes and aren't sure what to say or do. Sometimes it isn't clear to them, if they should just listen or actually try to solve the problem. You could be a help by, prefacing your statement by saying for example - "I just need to 'vent' and need a sympathetic ear - if that's all you need, is for him to hear you. But if you need him to help you solve a problem by offering suggestions or taking action - then you need to give him this clue.

You can let him know about this strategy, so that he'll be able to pick up on your cues and clues that you're sending out. I also think men are sometimes afraid to respond or don't know how to respond because they're not used to dealing with so many complex emotions. Some men get so used to hearing their partners chatter, that they filter out the conversation and don't really listen at all lol. You could also set aside a specific time where you can share your troubles. To make a long story short - you may have to spell out what you expect.

[eskielover]

Lynn is definitely correct. Husbands (men for that matter) don't listen to words the same way women do. Also, if they don't know anything about what you are talking about & what you are trying to get across, they just end up tuning it all out.

Example, a friend of mine had just gotten married & her husband was having some problems with a situation that effected his job. Both my husband & I were at the ranch & I heard exactly what her husband was talking about where my husband ended up making a comment about the weather. Later on, I confronted my husband about how insensitive he was & how rude it was to blow off what the husband was talking about. My husband's comment was that he didn't know anything about what he was talking about so he tuned it out & didn't hear a word he was saying after he decided he couldn't relate to what he was talking about.

My husband was like that continually through all my difficult times & that along with many other reasons are why I left him & moved across the country to be away from him.

I realized from the beginning of my marriage that if I wanted him to hear what I was saying & be a part of the conversation, I almost had to sit him down across from me & tell him to "read my lips' & then ask him to repeat what I had said & then tell me in his own words what it was that I was trying to really say. Definitely Not the way to run a marriage, but honestly, most men don't listen & definitely don't hear what we are trying to say unless we are more than clear as to what we are saying & what we expect out of them in response.

Honestly, I would suggest that you get a good therapist who you can pay to listen & hear what you are saying & give you the feedback you really need because husband's just don't cut it if they don't come by it naturally (in which case you wouldn't be having the problems you are having)

[lynn P.]

I want to point out I'm not trying to bash men.....rather I'm trying to rationalize/understand how they communicate and why we get our wires crossed.

[Rhiannonsmoon]

Hello Dragonsong,

Welcome to pc. I can't really add anything because I would be just using different words to say the same thing as Lynn and Eskie. Please persevere I'm sure it'll be better once you both learn to use communication skills, take care,

Rhiannon