[mysecretname]

I am new here and I apologize if I am posting something that has already been posted...

My girlfriend and soon to be fiance has BP. I have never been in a relationship with someone who has a mental illness, so I am trying to learn as much as I can on how to be the best partner I can be. I have a two sided question to ask...

1. From the point of view of the person with BP, what is the most important (or even top 3) characteristic in your partner that lets you know that you are loved, that they will always be there, and helps you to overall deal with BP?

2. From the point of view of the partner who DOES NOT have BP, what do you find is the most important (or top 3) characteristic in yourself, that helps you be a supportive and loving partner, and helps you deal with your partners BP?

I hope that I worded that correctly and that it is easily understandable and I look forward to any and all responses. As I said, I am here to learn and to be the best partner I can be... Thank you.

[RomanSunburn]

Welcome to PC, mysecretname! Everyone is really kind, caring, and supportive, so feel free to come here to ask any question, vent, rant, or share successes!

First of all, I want to say how impressed and how courageous it is of you to deal with your girlfriend's bipolar head on. I really appreciate that you want to learn as much as you can and be the best partner you can. It's really touching.

Now, on to your questions. I have never been diagnosed as full blown bipolar, though I've had a few doctors tell me I"m on the "spectrum" for Bipolar II rapid cycling. But I do have anxiety and depression (and I"m sure there's something else going on too, just haven't figured out what...) and it definitely puts my boyfriend through the wringer at times.

I think the absolute most important thing for me is communication. I like to be told that I am loved and that he's not going to leave me. In addition to just plain talking about what is going on in her head, being there to comfort her if she needs it, I also appreciate little things that show he was thinking about me when I wasn't around. I think this is something most people like in a relationship, but I feel for me it kind of solidifies the whole "I love you, I'm not leaving" business. Like, when we're apart, he's still thinking about me and not thinking "omg, she's so crazy, how can I get away from her?!" I lump this in with communication because to me you're communicating your love to your girlfriend. But definitely talking. I like to try to be completely open and honest with my boyfriend (though, not brutally so), and he is with me.

Now, I'm not my boyfriend, and I haven't asked him this question, (and honestly, if I did, his first response would be "I don't know"), but I"m going to try to answer how I think he would answer. I think what he would think his most important quality for dealing with my issues would be patience. He is extremely patient with me. If I'm freaking out in the middle of the night, he doesn't get angry, he simply holds me and tries to let me ride out my fit. He doesn't always understand whats happening, but he always tries to sit with me, keep me company, calm me down, basically take care of me when I need it. I am forever grateful for this (although I'm not always the best at showing it)

The other thing that I believe he really values is not letting himself get completely absorbed by my illness. He still has a life of his own and his own time that he can do things just for him. I personally try to help this by doing things for him that I know he'll appreciate (even something little like filling his water bottle for him when I know he wants to play soccer in the afternoon). If he is not healthy and happy with himself without me around, there's no way he'd be able to handle dealing with me all the time without being completely drained (and eventually burned out and unable to deal with me at all ever).

I hope this helped some. I probably got really confusing, and I apologize. I also apologize for talking so much (it's a bad habit of mine; short and sweet really isn't in my capabilities!).

Again, welcome to PC!

[mysecretname]

Roman, Please don't apologize for talking so much, I enjoy the lengthy answers and the general just holding a conversation atmosphere... If I wanted the textbook short and sweet answers there are plenty of those to find on the internet. Actually, I have read quite a few of your posts (although at the time of writing this they have not yet been approved... as I am still on probation...hehe), and I think your replies are insightful, well written and a joy to read. I think that what you have said here underlines where I was already headed in my mind. Communication I am sure is so important to her and I try my best to make sure that she knows I love her and I will never give up, even when she wants me to... When we first started dating, I had to tell her most of the time that she can't get rid of me that easy and I am just too stubborn for her to be able to run me off with her acting cold and I'm a bad b*&@h attitude... She had her walls up, they were thick and strong, but unlike most people I could see what was there inside her walls and I fell in love. It took some time convincing her of that, but I do tell her often that I love her and I am not going anywhere... I know that I have to be patient with her, especially with recent events (which I may get into later, although I don't want to over hijack my own thread...). I just haven't HAD to be that patient yet, so I am a little worried. It is like knowing that medicine tastes bad, but you haven't had to take it yet so you don't know what kind of bad or if how hard it will be for you to handle it.... but again... before I ramble too much... thank you for the input and I look forward to more in the future...

[Perna]

I don't have BP and my partner doesn't but I've had a boss who did and friends. . .

I try to remember my friends with BP are individuals like me. By that, I mean I can understand their problems! They're not "freaks" or "different" or need "special" handling, they are individuals with individual responses, ups/downs, and experiences. I cannot understand another, unless, as has been pointed out by both you, secretname (and Welcome to PsychCentral!) and RomanSunburn, communication happens. I try to keep my "half" of the conversation about me, using "I" statements and ask about my friend/partner's experience, in their own words, and make sure I understand what they say by repeating what I hear and adjusting as they help.

The big thing for me, when around someone with a problem that affects me, is to keep myself as centered as possible. That means learning to make and keep good boundaries; letting the other person know where I "am" and what I'm doing so they don't have occasion for feeling surprised or as if I have been "hiding" and I don't have to wonder if maybe I wasn't clear in my communication or otherwise complicate matters. If I know myself and where my center is, then I can be comfortable and, hopefully, help another who isn't feeling so centered.

[Rhiannonsmoon]

Constancy is important

[sanityseeker]

When I am depressed.... give me my space. be okay with me not wanting to socialize. notice what i do accomplish and not point out what i didn't. don't take it personally if I am withdrawn.

When I am raging..... stay calm, don't take the bait, let it run its course, never say 'calm down'.

When I am racing manically.... play the slow motion game... this is my personal favourite between me and my son. It is something I agreed to play because sometimes I don't even notice that I am racing around. When he says 'slow motion' together we slow every thing we are doing way down. It has a calming effect on me. It gives me time to breath. It makes me laugh. Enjoy the high energy and join in the fun. Be the voice of reason but don't be bossy about it.

Live your life. Don't become my caretaker. Enjoy doing the things you like to do with or without me. Be my friend. Affirm my feelings. Don't take anything I say or do to undermine you, your feelings, our relationship personally. Recognize when it is the illness talking without saying it. Keep yourself as level as possible when I am clearly unstable. Don't ask me how am I doing just tell me you love me, appreciate me and you are happy that I am in your life. Make dinner and pitch in with the chores.

Just some things off the top of my head. I am high maintenance and complex. I get that but I am also devoted, faithful and generous. I can be impulsive and secretive but if I know I can trust you not to judge me or treat me like a child I will share my innermost thoughts and temptations and let you be my voice of reason.

Wishing you and your fiancee well.